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Yoggy
Mar 16th, 2007, 05:43 AM
I've been thinking a lot lately about why so many people (including me) seem to have a generally bad relationship with their father. Is this as common as it seems, or am I only seeing one side of the question because I, like most people I know, don't have a good relationship with my father?

My parents were divorced when I was a baby, but I grew up in the same town as my father. But even as I young child I realised that he really didn't know how to treat my sister and me. He always favoured his new common-law girlfriend's daughter over us, because she was 4 years younger than me. So everytime my sister and I wanted something but our step-sister wanted something else, he always gave into her, because my sister and I were "older". I don't know what age has to do with anything :confused:. Over time he started spending less and less time with us. Whenever we went over to his house for dinner he would make us play with our step-sister in her room until supper was ready, then drive us straight home after. These days, the only thing we talk about is where he's flying to next for his job. We never talk about anything important. When I called him on Christmas day from a payphone in Thailand, he talked to me for about 15 seconds before putting me on the phone with my step-sister :( .

Anyway, I guess the reason I'm bringing this up is that my boyfriend and I are definitely planning on having kids someday. He can't wait to be a father, and I don't want to see the same unfortunate outcome as I've seen with many children and their fathers. So I'd appreciate others' stories about their relationships with their fathers, if you'd like to share :)

Tigerlily
Mar 16th, 2007, 06:51 AM
I have a pretty good relationship with my dad. Growing up, I was quite the daddy's girl and I went everywhere with him. I would also wake him up at 5am to make me breakfast and he would and stay up with me. :p

I think it's sad that so many people don't have good relationships with their fathers. My parents are not divorced or seperated, so maybe that could be a reason?

herbwormwood
Mar 16th, 2007, 09:36 AM
I think that if you and your partner plan on having children, it is more important how he got on with his father than how you did with yours.
Because if any "fathering patterns" are going to show up, they will come through him as he would be the father, not you.
Also it would be equally important how you and your partner get on!
If that' s what you want, just trust yourselves both and things will work out for the best.

emmy
Mar 16th, 2007, 10:28 AM
i have a brilliant relationship with my father, but no relationship with my mother. she was very pushy (in a really damaging way) until i was 10, and then she walked out. i have next to nothing to do with her now. my father was a hero during all that time, and has always been there for me since, through extreme illness, upset, everything. i think my relationship is good with him because he acted as both parents for me (although i didn't get the motherly influence, obviously) and i have a lot more respect for him sticking by us kids.
maybe it's due to a parent leaving - that you can't have as much trust for them again. i'm still really stung that my mother left in the way she did and demanded so much from my father, and still won't accept she did nothing wrong.

auntierozzi
Mar 16th, 2007, 11:36 AM
Yoggy, I think it's great that you and your partner are reflecting on this now. I feel that even the worst relationships we have had can teach us a lot about the way we decide to do things in our own life. It's not always easy..but it is possible.

I feel closer to my dad these days than in the past. He is a professor in electrical engineering and while he was working, doing research and teaching he had his head in the clouds..!! We would be talking to him but his eyes would be looking out in to the distance, thinking about higher things :-(
He escaped in to this world because he himself had a very abusive father..Luckily for us my mum comes from a very strong cheery bunch who managed to help my dad break the cycle..It is possible. My dad always had trouble with showing us his emotions but these would break through in scary bursts when he listened to beautiful music etc..It was a bit frightening for us.

Now, that he has retired he is still powering forward with various interests of his but he has mellowed soo much with age. He is much more affectionate with his grandchildren than he was with us and there is no pressure on them to suceed in the way we used to feel there was for us.

I wish you all the best as you set out!! :-)

RedWellies
Mar 16th, 2007, 11:48 AM
No, I didn't. He was always working, we had nothing in common and I really think he didn't know how to behave towards me. He was 40 when I was born, maybe that had something to do with it, although he seemed to be OK with my older sister.

I felt my life started when he died. Sad but true.

harpy
Mar 16th, 2007, 11:50 AM
It's probably a good sign in itself if your partner can't wait to be a father!

I know several people who had poor or non-existent relationships with their own parents and who seem to be doing a great job of bringing up their own children. History doesn't have to repeat itself.

Edited to add that I didn't get on that well with my own father, who was rather authoritarian, but he died when I was in my early 20s so I feel if he'd lived a bit longer we might have found more things in common.

scarlett
Mar 16th, 2007, 12:12 PM
I didn't really have a realtionship with my father, he walked out when I was 2 and I never saw him again. He left me with my deranged mother (that's a whole other story, she pretty much ruined my life) and I never forgave him for that.
He was a pretty troubled man, and made the same mistake several times over. He married, or sometimes lived with someone, had kids and then walked out on them. He did this 6 times that I know of, so I have lots of half-brothers and sisters.

I did contact him when I was in my early 20's and we had a rather strained relationship via the internet/phone. Sadly he died just a couple of years after I made contact.

Although my relationship with my father and my mother was pretty terrible it hasn't affected the way that my daughter's relationship is with either myself or my husband. She adores her father (even more than me :) ) so don't worry too much.
I think that because of my relationship with my parents I'm even more concious of making sure that none of their mistakes with me happen with her.

Lorrs
Mar 16th, 2007, 12:29 PM
I have a fairly good relationship with my dad, the only downside is because he had a terrible upbringing, he made it his goal that his kids would have the perfect upbringing. So this makes him very critical of me and my brother but moreso me because I'm the oldest. He thinks me doing things like dyeing hair, piercings, veganism and a lot of my views in general are my way of pissing him off, it's not intended that way. Other than that we get on fairly well, better than we did during the mid to late teenage years anyways. What I do know is that he's someone who has been and is always there for me and it's something I appreciate a great deal.

coconut
Mar 16th, 2007, 12:42 PM
I live with my dad and we get on well. We're not particularly close. I only got the chance to see him on weekends while I was a teenager, so maybe that's how we came to grow apart.

hollybee
Mar 16th, 2007, 02:31 PM
I didn't really have a realtionship with my father, he walked out when I was 2 and I never saw him again. He left me with my deranged mother (that's a whole other story, she pretty much ruined my life) and I never forgave him for that.
He was a pretty troubled man, and made the same mistake several times over. He married, or sometimes lived with someone, had kids and then walked out on them. He did this 6 times that I know of, so I have lots of half-brothers and sisters.

I did contact him when I was in my early 20's and we had a rather strained relationship via the internet/phone. Sadly he died just a couple of years after I made contact.

Although my relationship with my father and my mother was pretty terrible it hasn't affected the way that my daughter's relationship is with either myself or my husband. She adores her father (even more than me :) ) so don't worry too much.
I think that because of my relationship with my parents I'm even more concious of making sure that none of their mistakes with me happen with her.

Sounds a lot like my experience, scarlet! My father had serious drug and emotional problems. He left when I was a baby. I was raised by my screwball mother (I had a stepfather during a brief period of stability. I adored him, but their relationship only lasted 4 years).
I saw my dad occasionally from age 7 to age 20. The last time I saw him, I was walking down the street and walked right past him. He didn't recognize me.
It certainly has affected my ability to have a good marriage. I am a very cold and remote person (except with my children), so I have to pretend a lot that I enjoy being with my husband. I am really trying not to pass that on to my children. They love their father, and he adores them.
If my daughter chooses to marry when she grows up, I want very much for her to have a happy marriage. I don't want her to grow up with any "daddy issues" and end up marrying someone who treats her like a child. I want her to be able to support herself. I am encouraging her to pursue her education (she's only 7, but it's never too soon) as far as she wants to take it, so that she has the option of having a career. She wants to be an architect.

Hemlock
Mar 16th, 2007, 06:43 PM
My father left before I was even born and never got in touch (didn't leave a forwarding address either).

nervine
Mar 16th, 2007, 08:45 PM
On a smalltalk level yes, otherwise no.

Yoggy
Mar 16th, 2007, 09:01 PM
On a smalltalk level yes, otherwise no.

Yep, that about sums it up for me too.

emmapresley
Mar 16th, 2007, 09:07 PM
my dad is dead..but when alive when i was younger, highly erratic with contact, as he resented my mum for all sorts of stuff that were not her fault. (complicated and long winded). he was a chronic alcoholic and incredibly unhappy living in the U.K...he died when i was 18.

my stepdad (who married my mum a year or so after her and my dad parted company..when i was about 4 years old) has been amazing. they're some kind of soul partners or something :)

even though now i realise this, and how fabulous he's been over the last 30 years or so, it's taken time to come to this point..and for the longest time i resented him and her for being with him and not my dad and believed that he hated me also.

girls relationships with their dads are paramount to developing healthy relationships with adult partners..it's shite that so many kids don't have this.

(boys too, i know..i'm just going from my own all female perspective :) )

Yoggy
Mar 16th, 2007, 09:28 PM
I should mention that I have a generally good relationship with my step-dad. At least I don't find his company awkward like I do with my small-talking dad. We still don't talk about "personal" stuff, but then I don't talk about personal stuff with my mom either and I feel that we have a very good relationship. I supposed I'm more comfortable around my step-dad because I grew up living in the same house as him, so we're used to seeing each other with ugly messy hair in the morning, or folding our underwear in plain view, whereas with my dad I wouldn't want him to see any of that!

Oh, and also my boyfriend has a very good relationship with his father, so I shouldn't doubt that he'll have a good relationship with his children.

kmbgaudeo
Mar 16th, 2007, 09:47 PM
I have a very good relationship with my father. But out of the four kids in my family, I am the only one. My brothers and sister are always uncomfortable around my Dad, but get along really well with my Mom. My parents split up when I was five and the reason I got along with my Dad was because we had a lot in common. I think what's important is to have a good relationship at the very beginning, when kids are young. My Dad worked at home after my parents split up so he was always there for us and when we grew up he understood that we needed our space and was never bossy or overbearing.

cookey
Mar 16th, 2007, 11:29 PM
I am pretty close to my dad although we argue, he's still the one that I would go to when I need a parent.My mum left when I was 5 and although I saw her regularly, our relationship has been very up and down because her leaving in effect severed our relationship as it had been up to that time. My mum had been main childcarer and my dad was a bricklayer and I probably saw a lot less of him up until that time. Of course he wasn't perfect either but I always know he'd there for me.
I have two children who have different fathers. The older one's is a (functioning) alchoholic who doesn't come to see her and when he does contact us it's really about him wanting to see me. I find this very hard as I'm so close to my dad. Luckily my elder daughter has a strong relationship with my dad so at least has some positive male input.
My younger daughter's dad and me split up while I was pregnant with her. But we'd been friends for years before and shared childcare between us from when she was born. She is very close to him, probably closer than to me as she gets him to herself!
We still assume that women will be main childcarers and there is not much in the way of paternity leave in this country. If men are more often absent parents, I think it has more to do with the way that society is set up than their ability to love and nuture a child.

RachelJune
Mar 16th, 2007, 11:35 PM
Not when I was a child, no, for various reasons.

But as an adult we have a much better relationship. He's such a different person now, much more mellow and understanding. I wish it had been like this when I was growing up.

As for letting the past affect us throughout our adult lives, I refuse to let this happen to me. My past remains firmly in the past. Bad memories are of no use to me now, so I discard them. Maybe it's denial or repression or whatever, but it works for me :) You can't control the past but you can make your own future.

absentmindedfan
Mar 17th, 2007, 09:54 AM
How I view my Dad, and to an extent how I treat him, has changed over the past year or so since realising that my Mum was the first bully in my life and has continued to be. Now I've realised just how toxic she is my Dad doesn't seem so bad.

When I was growing up my Dad worked 6 or even 7 days a week to pay the bills. When he was home he was never interested in me and at the age of about 5 I realised I was smarter than him. He was never an authority figure in my life and I viewed him with a fair amount of comtempt when he tried to be. He has never told me that he loves me or that he is proud of me, and the fact that other people used to say 'your Dad's so proud of you' used to really irritate me; if he felt that way why couldn't he express it? I never had a relationship with him and I cut myself off from him emotionally because of that.

However; since discovering my brother is a cheating lying bastard and my mother a selfish, spiteful, hurtful cow I view my Dad a lot better. He's crushed by my Mum's personality and his job (bus driver - dull and mundane) has sapped most of his brainpower day-to-day. So now I think he's not too bad, a little irritating at times but I think my view of him now is closer to the truth.

And as for my Mother...don't get me started :rolleyes:

aubergine
Mar 17th, 2007, 11:26 AM
...and the fact that other people used to say 'your Dad's so proud of you' used to really irritate me; if he felt that way why couldn't he express it?

This describes my relationship with my Dad very well.

He's been dedicated to keeping the house running throughout the finantial pains we went through as a family in the late 80s and early 90s and I'm grateful for that.

He does however have no emotional connection with anyone, and refuses to be criticized because he thinks that because his heart is in the right place he can't ever have done anything wrong. Which isn't true. He should be more critical of the way he relates to people instead of judging his personal success on less important factors.

vegcurry
Mar 17th, 2007, 11:27 AM
I never got on with my father as a child as he used to scare the hell out of me with all his drinking and shouting. I hated his macho attitude; the 'you will sit at the table and eat' game at xmas (even though we never did that at any other time of the year), with the (drunken) father carves the meat. Aaargh!! .

I used to think my mum was the hard done by one in the relationship and blameless. It's a few years since she has died and I now realise she took out her depression, her crap abusive childhood, and the frustration of having two young kids when she was only so young herself on me and my sis.

I still hate my father and rarely communicate with him but then again he rarely communicates with me; when he does call (he now lives in the US and has remarried) he will ask Mrs vegcurry "Is he in?" As she pointed out he has never asked for me by name. I think that reflects on how he thinks of me. I was never good enough for him, never did sports, never the tough guy. The only time I ever received any praise from him was the day I got married and he actually said how proud he was of me (for the first and only time). I never even got any praise from him when I completed my degree.

He still drinks, although less so these days. The only time I've managed to keep him in my house for longer than 30 mins, when he has come to visit...even when over from the US, is when I opened a bottle of wine or two for him.

Do I love him or care for him? No
Will I miss him when he's dead? No.
Will I grieve? No.

aubergine
Mar 17th, 2007, 11:32 AM
It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?

Orange-powered
Mar 17th, 2007, 11:37 AM
I'm not particularly close to either my mum or dad, for various reasons.My dad just wasn't around very much at all when I was a child, I dont think I had an actual conversation with him until I was 16. I still completely disagree with most of his view of the world, and the fact that I'm nearly 22 and he stil feels the need to belittle my views, makes it harder for me to get on with him a lot of the time as he can be really irritating and overly opinionated and predictable. But most of the time we get by, I'm really glad I don't live at home though.

Orange-powered
Mar 17th, 2007, 11:39 AM
It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?

yea I dont want kids at all and part of that is definitely because I don't want to be like my parents!