My Anorexic Friend - Support Needed

[Windfall]

hi all

i just need to vent, i am so worried.
My best frined in the world has been anorexic for a lot of years but hit rock-bottom a few years ago. When i came back to sweden for christmas 2005, she was so skinny that i hardly dared to give her a hug, and extremely weak. Horrified i phoned her folks the day aftre and they said the doctors did not even know what to do anymore. Then she got to see a psychaitrist to get cbt, which really seemed to work.

Last summer i was back for three months, and we met every day. she had then just started with veganism after being vegetarian most of her life.
She seemed so well and happy, gained a fair bit of weight, ate properly, and spent most of the summer running around in a bikini :p

i had not seen her in a while, but when i came back a few weeks ago, i could tell something was up, she was again super-skinny, hyper, worried, every single thing that she had been when ill. I HAD to ask her, and she started crying and said she felt lousy, but would not go back to her therapist...dont know if she feels like a failure..

Im not sure what i can do here, im so worried but she just keeps saying that shes in a bad place right now it will work itself out eventually...

I want to help her, and in a way i know what she is going through, self-harm is just another form of it, i i know how in denial i get when im bad, and how i loathe ppl trying to make me see sense.

any hints or tips would be appreciated

x

[Melanie]

I'd make it known that you're there for her and that you think she's a wonderfully brave person and that you love her. (She'll no doubt know this already, but really, it does help to be told :))

Ana can be, scrap that, it is a horrible disease/condition/illness to live with and support can sometimes be the best 'medicine' in the world.

Really, everyone is different but comfort is universal if that makes any sense at all.

Perhaps she'd benefit from seeing a different psychaitrist? Sometimes visiting the same people/place as you did before recovery can do more harm than good, in terms of triggering, as i'm sure can be related to many other forms of 'self harm' also.

I hope that was of some help, and don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk or anything. :)

-Many hugs-
Take care sweetheart


Melanie
~xx

[Mystic]

You are an awesome friend - just keep doing that and being there for her.

I am a former anorexic (yeah baby - fully recovered and loving it), and my advice is just to support her every decision with love and compassion. Listen to her and don't push her. When she is ready, she will do what she needs to do

[Windfall]

aw thanks guys

i do call or email her most days and im always making a point that she can phone ANYTIME

If shes ever over for dinner id make something reasonable low-cal, or a few different things that she can pick from so that she wont have to panic - wish i could get her over to belfast to visit now!

[Gorilla]

(((hugs))) windfall. you're a great friend to her. i don't have any advice but i wanted to wish you and your friend all the best. xxx

[J Jingle]

You did the kindest, more caring act possible. You recognized her disorder and talked to her about it. It's so much easier to ignore it, and most people do just that. Not only are you a good friend, but you are a great human!

[Mystic]

You did the kindest, more caring act possible. You recognized her disorder and talked to her about it. It's so much easier to ignore it, and most people do just that. Not only are you a good friend, but you are a great human!

I totally agree. I was blessed with a very compassionate and understanding boyfriend (now husband) and it made the world of difference. My friends made it "all about them" and avoided me because they apparantly thought I thought that they were fat and disgusting :rolleyes:

[Windfall]

i really appreciate all the comments
i know its not a weight thing really, because she even says that she doesnt think she looks good being that thin, and that its not her ideal at all.
Shes just feeling bad and this time it comes out through eating disorders..

[Mystic]

I think that is the same for most people. I got my eating disorder after a huge trauma in my life. I was too young to have developed appropriate coping mechanisms - so instead, I chose to focus on starving myself - it was an expression of fear and self-doubt - not that I thought I looked good. I knew I looked horrible! But the obsession makes you develop a phobia of putting on weight.

[emmy]

I have had anorexia (and bouts of bulimia) for 13 years. I am suffering a relapse at the moment. It is hard, but it is even harder when people give up on you. She may on the one hand resent you for trying to be so involved, but that is the anorexia, that is not her. If that makes sense.
Stay there for her, keep reminding her of the good times, keep reminding her of how loved she is. It may not seem like it's getting through but it will slowly start to break down some walls.
Sounds like she needs some help - can totally understand her wish not to go back to same therapist (I'm having the same dilemma at the moment - I feel like a failure because I had a year or so of relative recovery). I am also scared of being re-admitted because I'm scared they will tell me my veganism is just a form of anorexia.
I dunno, wish I could help. If I can in anyway, let me know.

[BlackCats]

Emmy - you are not a failure for wanting some support at the moment. I hope you feel better soon.

xxx

[emmy]

Thank you Aphrodite...
I end up tying myself in knots because I am so perfectionistic - I either want to be doing really well with recovery, or I want to be the best at being ill....which is the nature of the disease I suppose. So wanting some help before I fall too low is difficult, because I am challenging all the thoughts.
Which I know is what I need to do....
I so desperately want to be well and strong again, but the anorexia has a totally different agenda!

[BlackCats]

Emmy - at least you are self aware enough that you can recognise the disease and the control it is having over you at moment.
I hope that you have friends/ family that can help you and try to combat the negative way you are feeling.

x

[dreamqueen]

Back when I was a teenager, a friend of mine became severely anorexic and ended up spending most of 4 years in hospital. Her other friends were quite supportive and visited often (including her boyfriend) while her parents tried to be supportive but were terrified and so sometimes yelled and freaked out. She was so paranoid she thought that when the doctor put her on a water drip (because she wouldn't even drink water anymore) she tore it out, accusing him of sneaking sugar into the water to try to make her fat. :(

The unspoken thing we were all aware of was that if she didn't start trying to eat, she was going to die. No one would bring it up because they didn't want to upset her. But I thought and thought and felt that she needed to be asked if that's what she wanted - to die. So, I just asked her - no yelling or guilting but also no sugar-coating. I said, "If you don't want to die then you need to start eating because if you don't you will die soon - you'll have a heart attack, or your kidneys and liver will fail. Do you really want to die?" She said no, and then, much to my surprise, thanked me and said no one would ever tell her that before and it made her feel like they didn't care.

I don't know how much of an effect that conversation had in reality, but soon after, she started eating and now she's a remarkably healthy and happy 31-year old.

If I were in some kind of life-threatening trouble, I would hope that my friends would be willing to risk the friendship to try to save my life by telling me the truth about my condition. Support is good and necessary but don't underestimate a hard conversation about what it really means to starve oneself.