Vegan mum with stubborn teens... help please?

[ms.vegan]

Ok, here we go! I'm Jennie, 39, single mum, 3 teens, one 17, doesn't live at home, totally anti-vegan! One 16, tried to go veg with me earlier this year, but cheated on me and started eating meat at school! hmm! another almost 14, pprofoundly autistic, limited language, but hey, he can say "mummy is a vegan!" lol! good teaching eh?
Ok, so this is the problem. all boys. Eldest, well, not such a problem, coz he visits, but lives indipendantly. the others will eat vegan with me, if I cook something they're both happy with, but I can't get the youngest one to go straight veggie, coz he won't eat cheese, na way man! thing is, the more passionately I'm becoming vegan, and you can call me fanatical, cal me obsessive, call me what you like, but the more deepy I'm getting into this, the more it's hurting me to bring any animal/dairy products into my family home. I resent, big style, spending my limited income supporting people and industries whose activities I strongly disapprove of, but what can I do? How can I convince my teenagers that their mum's living a healthier life...I am much less lethargic since going vegan, have lost a little weight, and am generally brighter, and more with it! I like where my life is going, and desperately want my children's lives to go the same way. at 14-16 they're the right age to do it, so, someone, help me, to help them? Thankyou. Jennie, aka Ms-Vegan. xx

[flying plum]

well...teenagers being teenagers (and it's not so long since I was one myself) are the kind of creatures for whom the more you say black the louder they will insist white. even if this means getting killed on the next zebra crossing, to borrow a joke from the late Douglas Adams.

My point being, you have to be careful going about it, because you don't want them to think you are forcing them to do something. even if really they wanted to do it. it was nice of your 16 y.o. to try with you before, but obviously he gave into peer pressure or whatever. i think you should explain that you are not going to shop for non-vegan products anymore. the 16 year old is old enough to get a part time job...if he wants to buy meat, perhaps he could buy it himself.

your 14 year old presents more of a problem, but you say he will eat vegan food if you cook it? well then...just cook the stuff he likes. if he eats non-vegan at school...well, there's not a lot you can do about that, except for presenting a good vegan influence. i don't know a lot about autism, so i can't really comment on how best to sway his mind. i would suggest just cooking tasty things at home, and letting them make up their own minds outside your house.

they are human beings and have free will...you can't force them to be vegan, and ti will only raise tensions in a house of teenagers...

amanda

[ms.vegan]

Thanks Amanda, thanks very much for that input. The thing is they'll both eat vegan or veggie, if I cook for them what they enjoy, just the youngest has an obsession with not eating cheese, and people with autism are very stuck in their ways, although saying that, I'm pretty lucky with ross, he takes to change quite easily, so long as things are explained to him carefully. My 16-year-old, let's use his name, Freddie, understands that I am disappointed in his lapse off vegetarianism, and it was agreed a cople of monthsago that e wouldn't eat meat in my company, either at home, or outside. If we eat out he eats veggie, if we have takeaways he eats veggie, he's kept his word, and I respect him for that. It's just that I can't cope with bringing these things into the house any more, not for anyone . . . even the cow's milk turns my stomach! Freddie says the soya tastes dodgy, even on cereal, but Amanda, he's never tried it! that's what makes me so mad! why are these kids so small-minded? I wonder, was I that way at his age? Probably not, because I was veggie at boarding school, but wasn't supported by my mother at home, so hadta stop. Anyway, thanks again, great to hear from you. Jennie. xx

[Ruby Rose]

Jennie - don't envy you in your battle of wills with the boys... but stick with it.

Boys being what they are, if you don't buy it, they won't buy it - and although they'll bitch like hell for a while, you'll get there in the end. You can't force or persuade them to try dairy alternatives, and you can't police what they do or what they eat when they're not with you - but you can make your home cruelty-free and put up with the ear-ache until they just bloomin' well accept the change of regime and get on with it. As I said to a friend on here not long ago - it's in the nature of teenagers to torment... they have an unerring knack of finding your Achilles heel as the focus for rebellion - but we've all been teenagers, and we all came out as lovely, well-adjusted, socially-conscious people the other end of it!
RR xx

[ms.vegan]

Aha, thankyou so much, ruby Rose, beautiful name, is it your real one? At last, someone can see things my way lol! the sort of answer I have been waiting for! Bless ya! You obviously have teens of your own, right? Are there a lot of discussions about the battle of wills between parents and their kids? Interesting one, I'd like to know the answer to that, the forum's new to me, so I don't know. It's actually surprising how many kids/teens turn to vegetarianism and then go vegan, I think, you know, it's because so many celebrities are? I use a social networking site, not what you'd expect me to use, at my age, but my blindness means some of the more complex ones are difficult for me, and so the one I use is used a lot by young people, and I have two veggie/vegan groups on there, a group for veggies and vegans, and a "strictly vegan" group, that's just getting started. the support's amazing! so many youngsters my kids' ages, all veggie, and 50-70 percent really desperately wanna go vegan, but either not sure what to do, or parents don't support. This family's the other way round! But ya right, cruelty free zone from now on! Thanks again, so much! Much lov, Jennie. xxx

[flying plum]

well, your youngest refusing to eat cheese (albeit not for ethical reasons) can hardly be a bad thing, can it?!

as for not being able to stand milk etc coming into your house...i know people who do take that view on here. for me, personally, as long as i don't have to eat it and it doesnt' get mixed in with my food, and i don't have to prepare it, i don't mind non-vegan things being in my house. my boyfriend is omni and we have an understanding that i will not cook him anything non-vegan. it works pretty well...every so often he'll get some fish or sausages or something, but usually just eats what i cook.

and i'm ok with that...he's eating less and less meat since he's been with me and i think that's a better way to go. banning things from the house wouldn't have helped matters, and would certainly have strained our relationship.

that said, a parent-child relationship is different. BUT, banning something outright might just make them rebel more, and it also might make them think of veganism as something 'weird'. i know it isn't, but 16 year old boys aren't always blessed with rational reasoning. then again, they're your kids and you know them best. if an outright ban is what you want, then as a parent you have every right to enforce that. just be prepared for a backlash...

as for them being 'smallminded'...i wouldn't go so far as to say that. soya milk DOES taste different, and it's a taste not everyone likes, particularly if they aren't doing it for ethical reasons that they passionately believe in. have you tried alternatives to soya milk? i'm rather fond of a mix of rice and almond milk on cereal.

fyi, with the soya milk - try making porridge for them in the morning with it. they won't be able to tell the difference, i promise. you can try to sneak it in gradually :)

amanda

[ms.vegan]

Hi again Amanda. Thankyou for your input, everyone's answers have been so helpful. If you have read the message I last left on this thread, you'll see that my 16-year-old, let's call him by his name, Freddie, has reached an agreement with me whereby he won't eat any meat products when he's with me, either at home, or outside. we reached that agreement a couple of months ago, and he's kept his word. My youngest not eating cheese is a good thing, don't get me wrong, it's just that it'd be easier to change him, and his brother, from omni to veggie, and then gradually to vegan, if he'd eat things like macaroni cheese, or cauliflower cheese, coz he loves pasta, vegetables, everything else, just won't eat cheese! Bugger! I have tried rice milk, and do have it in the cupboard. I'd sneak it into Freddie's porridge in the morning, or his hot weetabix, but he does a paper round, and is up before the lark lol! No chance there! They're eating vegan tonight, they've got jacket spuds an baked beans, great big spuds in the oven, they smell lovely! I don't eat them myself, I have a concoction of meat-free mince and vegetable simmering away in the slow cooker! We'll get there, it'sjust gonna take time. I have just taken to this veganism so passionately, I wish I'd done it years ago, I really feel it's my life's path now, it's made such a difference to me, in such a short time! Thanks again! Jennie. xx

[Hemlock]

When I had a child at home it was: eat what I put on the table or starve basically! As a full time working single parent I didn't have time for any picky diets or food demands. The alternative is get a Saturday job and buy whatever food you want with your own money outside the house.
Believe me my son grew up very healthy and well nourished!

[ms.vegan]

Thankyou Hemlock, thankyou very, very much! I am so pleased and touched by how supportive people are being. When I was a child, granted, my famiy was far from vegan, on the contrary, I wanted to be veggie as a teenager, I was, at boarding school, but my wicked mother wouldn't support me at home, but nevertheless, I was always made to eat what was put infront of me, and I hafta say, for the most part, the boys do. I live on benefits, and am not embarrassed to say so, because I am multi-disabled, and caring for an autistic son, but I can't afford to buy this for one, and that for another! it'd be so much easier if we/they all ate the same thing, ya know? I just can't seem to get certain family members to understand that. My god, I wish I'd done this when they were so much younger, but now, they're old enough to understand the ethics of it all, why meat is wrong, why being vegan is better for us, for the animals, for the planet, for the environment, etc, they learn enough at school about it don't they? You'd think they'd be mad keen to do their bit . . . urgh, I dunno! We'll get there, just not so straightforward, I guess? Thanks for writing back, means a lot. Jennie. xx

[flying plum]

ms. vegan - have you tried making vegan macaroni cheesy type things, or does your youngest not like anything that resembles cheese, either, as well as the real thing?

as for Freddie...i think that's pretty good progress for a 16 year old :) be proud of him for that, and just go with it. if he's eating less meat, and then vegan at home, you might find his ethics grow as he does and he becomes vegan of his own volition, rather than out of necessity :)

amanda

[ms.vegan]

Hi again Amanda! It's complicated with Ross, the younger one, because of his autism. He won't eat anything that looks, tastes, smells like cheese . . . he just says "yuck", and won't even go there! I can't even do him a 4-cheese pizza! I couldn't even get away with a vegan cheese and say, meat-free ham style toasted sandwich, he'd turn his nose up! Yeah, Freddie's done well, I guess if I can persuade him that in-house means no airy as well as no meat, and as long as he doesn't indicate to me what he's had outside, to rub my nose in it, which so far, he hasn't, I hafta say, I'll hafta settle for that, won't I? At the end of the day, they're growing lads, and they know mum's not gonna let them starve, or feed them things that are bad for them, but they come home from school or whatever with an appetite, so, unless it's something really yucky, the chances are they're gonna eat what's put infront of them, because they've never been spoiled enough not to! GO VEGANS! Thanks again. Jen. xx

[cobweb]

my (autistic) vegan son will eat the Tofutti slices broken into pieces on a homemade pizza (with tomatoes from a tin) but won't eat any other cheezy type thing, including cheezly which i like.
He also won't drink soya milk or soya milkshakes but will eat cereal (mostly weetabix) with sweetened soya milk on it (alpro or the tesco own brand he likes).

Other than that he's very, very picky, but has actually become less picky since going vegan. He smells every single thing before eating/drinking it, does your autistic son do that? :confused:.

Will Ross eat vegetables?. I can't see that the cheese aversion thing is a problem really. I feed my son veggie sausages, burgers (made from the dry mix stuff, in a bun with ketchup), lots of different types of potatoes (i mean cooked different ways), fresh apples and bananas, weetabix, swedish glace ice-cream, homemade cakes and cookies, ready salted crisps, bread, crumpets, etc - he won't touch 'fake meat' slices or have any filling in sandwiches other than margarine!. He's a bit phobic about vegetables but is trying to eat them in small amounts :undecided:.

My point is that there are lots of things you can still feed them that don't even seem 'vegan' if you know what i mean, just 'normal' stuff - my son is a very picky eater but he recently had bloodwork done and all was well. Maybe just buy in the vegan things in a low key sort of way and just act natural! :wink_ani:.

[Marrers]

Good luck Jennie.

I have struggled to find a soya milk I like but find the Alpro Light (http://www.alprosoya.co.uk/alpro/UK_en/product/bycategory/milk/3.html) from the chiller section, not longlife, is the most like milk I have tried. Might be worth getting that in if you are stopping buying dairy milk.

[ms.vegan]

Hiya honey! Rossie eats vegetables, soya mince, or quorn, (I know vegans can't eat that, I don't, but the boys do), he'd drink soya milk in hot chocolate, on cereal, he loves the alpro soya shakes and yoghurts, or mousses, he will only eat cheese on a pizza, and then only if it's just as a bsic part of the topping, I'd hafta improvise to get him to eat a home-made pizza, there's really no reason why he shouldn't go almost fully vegan. He eats the sausages etc with me . . . Ive never come across the burger mix, who makes that? And what's tofutti? I've heard of it, but not sure what it is? w/b Helen. Thanks, someone understands about autism! xxx
my (autistic) vegan son will eat the Tofutti slices broken into pieces on a homemade pizza (with tomatoes from a tin) but won't eat any other cheezy type thing, including cheezly which i like.
He also won't drink soya milk or soya milkshakes but will eat cereal (mostly weetabix) with sweetened soya milk on it (alpro or the tesco own brand he likes).

Other than that he's very, very picky, but has actually become less picky since going vegan. He smells every single thing before eating/drinking it, does your autistic son do that? :confused:.

Will Ross eat vegetables?. I can't see that the cheese aversion thing is a problem really. I feed my son veggie sausages, burgers (made from the dry mix stuff, in a bun with ketchup), lots of different types of potatoes (i mean cooked different ways), fresh apples and bananas, weetabix, swedish glace ice-cream, homemade cakes and cookies, ready salted crisps, bread, crumpets, etc - he won't touch 'fake meat' slices or have any filling in sandwiches other than margarine!. He's a bit phobic about vegetables but is trying to eat them in small amounts :undecided:.

My point is that there are lots of things you can still feed them that don't even seem 'vegan' if you know what i mean, just 'normal' stuff - my son is a very picky eater but he recently had bloodwork done and all was well. Maybe just buy in the vegan things in a low key sort of way and just act natural! :wink_ani:.

[ms.vegan]

Thankyou Marrers, will give that one a go, will let the kids try anything . . . long as it hasn't come from an animal! Thanks again! Jennie. xx
Good luck Jennie.

I have struggled to find a soya milk I like but find the Alpro Light (http://www.alprosoya.co.uk/alpro/UK_en/product/bycategory/milk/3.html) from the chiller section, not longlife, is the most like milk I have tried. Might be worth getting that in if you are stopping buying dairy milk.

[cobweb]

it's probably easier for me in a way as my son was brought up in a meat-free home and then he made the decision to go vegan about 3 years ago after i lfet a VIVA! article about dairy 'lying around' :cool:. However, if your boys eat vegetables that's great, i wish i could get my boy eating them! (he loved them in his first 3 years and then all of a sudden took a phobia about them!).

i was actually concerned about it as he had such a very limited diet already, but as i say he's actually expanded his repetoire since becoming vegan. In fact he's just started eating strawberry Alpro yoghurts which is good.

The Toffuti slices are a cheese sub in the form of slices (mozzarella style we use for pizzas). I use a ready mix pizza base if in a hurry, from Tesco, with finely mashed up tinned tomatoes, a little garlic and the cheese slices torn up and put on the top.

The burger mix we use i think is made by Haldane - i haven't got a box to check at the moment! :rolleyes:.

Sounds like Ross eats a good range of vegan or potentially vegan things so should be ok :).

[emmapresley]

hello! :D

i was gonna say something last night but i had a nasty headache and couldn't get my rambly head in gear.
when i saw your thread i thought oh yay..someone else who struggles with a non vegan teen in a vegan household.

or..i would've thought that a few months ago..cos like.i've gone through my insanely intense 'you must live by my rules' thingy..and it created mahooosiv tension..in my household i have to do what i need to get by without cracking up (i am slightly unstable emotionally haw haw)

i've an 11 yr old, passionately vegan and a 14 yr old, passionately unvegan..ha ha..she is ace.

so..i pretty much cheer on what flying plum says.

they are human beings and have free will...you can't force them to be vegan, and ti will only raise tensions in a house of teenagers...

i gotta say..people know their own kids best.and though it might work best for some to lay down the law and say 'you are gonna eat what i say'..i really don't think it works in my household. there is a blanket ban on meat..but i buy dairy stuff these days. i don't want to..but i'd rather that than have a shit relationship with my daughter.

like i've said before..i made choices regarding what i was gonna or not gonna eat at age 14 and met with tension from my parents.my articulate daughter lets me know aye, veganism is my choice but it isn't hers. yep, she blanketly refuses to know some info..but i don't stop trying to let her know what's what. just, you know..i'm sure we've all learned that in your face obsessiveness and enforcement drives folk away. it does..it really does. if people aren't interested or don't give a shit about animal rights/welfare/where their minced beef crispy pancakes come from they switch off

just keep on making nice scoff..sneak veg into everything and stick in natex..i swear that stuff is amazing. patiently repeating stuff is meant to work.. dunno..madam flat out refuses but recently she is chomping down on brocolli..last week she hated the stuff.. teenagers..i don't fathom them :confused:

[ms.vegan]

Hi! Helen, you're fab! Ii loveyou babe! So much info, so much support, from someone who was a stranger just a couple of days ago! Will write a private message for you, to talk a bit more about rossie, and the support he's gonna get from peple around him who help to care for him...we're WINNING already! Loveyou, FRIEND Jennie. xxx
it's probably easier for me in a way as my son was brought up in a meat-free home and then he made the decision to go vegan about 3 years ago after i lfet a VIVA! article about dairy 'lying around' :cool:. However, if your boys eat vegetables that's great, i wish i could get my boy eating them! (he loved them in his first 3 years and then all of a sudden took a phobia about them!).

i was actually concerned about it as he had such a very limited diet already, but as i say he's actually expanded his repetoire since becoming vegan. In fact he's just started eating strawberry Alpro yoghurts which is good.

The Toffuti slices are a cheese sub in the form of slices (mozzarella style we use for pizzas). I use a ready mix pizza base if in a hurry, from Tesco, with finely mashed up tinned tomatoes, a little garlic and the cheese slices torn up and put on the top.

The burger mix we use i think is made by Haldane - i haven't got a box to check at the moment! :rolleyes:.

Sounds like Ross eats a good range of vegan or potentially vegan things so should be ok :).

[ms.vegan]

Crikey Emma, so much to say lmao! Well, I don't understand teenagers either, I'm not sure I want to, these days, the shit that goes on in their heads, thankou! My 16-year-old, Freddie, is determined that although he'll be veggie when he's with me, either inside or out, he's not veggie, and that's that,he says it's "his life", not mine. But I think he accepts that animal products are gonna get banned, especially since I now have a lotta support to help turn autistic 14-year-old ross vegetarian, soon to be vegan. (Ross is supported by one-to-one at school, and also uses respite facilities. His carers, everywher, hafta respect my parental wishes, and it's now common knowledge that meat is OUT of his diet, and dairy will follow shortly), we're winning! The biggest problem I have now is getting Freddie to accept a milk alternative, but this thread has given me lots of new ideas, I have personally only ever gone for soya, although I've tried various brands, and rice milk, which was ok, ish! Have left you an email after reading your private message, look forward to hearing from ya babe! Jen. xx
hello! :D

i was gonna say something last night but i had a nasty headache and couldn't get my rambly head in gear.
when i saw your thread i thought oh yay..someone else who struggles with a non vegan teen in a vegan household.

or..i would've thought that a few months ago..cos like.i've gone through my insanely intense 'you must live by my rules' thingy..and it created mahooosiv tension..in my household i have to do what i need to get by without cracking up (i am slightly unstable emotionally haw haw)

i've an 11 yr old, passionately vegan and a 14 yr old, passionately unvegan..ha ha..she is ace.

so..i pretty much cheer on what flying plum says.

they are human beings and have free will...you can't force them to be vegan, and ti will only raise tensions in a house of teenagers...

i gotta say..people know their own kids best.and though it might work best for some to lay down the law and say 'you are gonna eat what i say'..i really don't think it works in my household. there is a blanket ban on meat..but i buy dairy stuff these days. i don't want to..but i'd rather that than have a shit relationship with my daughter.

like i've said before..i made choices regarding what i was gonna or not gonna eat at age 14 and met with tension from my parents.my articulate daughter lets me know aye, veganism is my choice but it isn't hers. yep, she blanketly refuses to know some info..but i don't stop trying to let her know what's what. just, you know..i'm sure we've all learned that in your face obsessiveness and enforcement drives folk away. it does..it really does. if people aren't interested or don't give a shit about animal rights/welfare/where their minced beef crispy pancakes come from they switch off

just keep on making nice scoff..sneak veg into everything and stick in natex..i swear that stuff is amazing. patiently repeating stuff is meant to work.. dunno..madam flat out refuses but recently she is chomping down on brocolli..last week she hated the stuff.. teenagers..i don't fathom them :confused:

[cobweb]

i do get what emmap says and agree you can't force anyone (especially a teenager!) to be vegan - BUT i do think it's your money, your home, you should basically buy what food you want (as long as it's suitable for your family to eat/nutritious, etc).

if a teen wants to eat other food elsewhere, or get a part-time job and buy their own food on weekends or whatever, i think that's up to them.

i do see it would cause problems to suddenly change things in the home but i don't see why parents shouldn't stick to their guns on the food they are prepared to buy if it's due to strong ethical reasons.

[ms.vegan]

Well, that's just the thing. my 16-year-old, who's out now, so I can talk about him lol, eats meat at schoo, I know he does. it sickens me, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not exactly jumping in and suddenly saying "right, burgers out, soya mince in"...this has been going on gradually for months! the boys have been eating more and more veggie/vegan food with their mum, so really, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to them. I agree though, that it's my money, my home, my kitchen, etc etc, and if I don't wanna fund people's unethical behaviour, I shouldn't have to. OMG how I wish I'd done this years ago? Jennie. xxx