You said it Tabitha. So true. :(Quote:
tabitha
Diana
akaredarcher
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You said it Tabitha. So true. :(Quote:
tabitha
Diana
akaredarcher
My boyfriend's nephews get smacked a bit by their dad (boyfriend's brother inlaw). I don't think it does anything except make them scared of their dad (and resentful).Quote:
absentmindedfan
Occasionally while caring for them I will just keep telling them 'no' (this often causes a meltdown in the 3 year old). Sometimes I do have to tap them on the arm/hand or give them a tap on the shoulder to let them know that I saw what they did/are doing & that's 'it's not acceptable behaviour' (thank the SuperNanny for that one). 6 year old is rude & attention-seeking (because he gets so little attention at home). Behaviour transfers over to our house too though. He shoves other kids just for the heck of it.
Personally I would never spank a child though. I was never spanked - then again I didn't do much that was classified as 'naughty' in my house.
Diana
akaredarcher
I deserved it every time I got hit. I always got ample warnings and I was never hit severely. Usually I'd be pulled by the hair and have my feet whacked with a brush. Sometimes I would be flipping out and that would be the only thing that would calm me down.
Jesus! that sounds pretty extreme to me.
It wasn't that bad. I never even got a bruise.
Well as long as you werent mentally scarred John then there wasnt a problem. Its not the same thing, but I have been particularly mentally scarred by my grandfather telling me my mum and dad loved my brother more than me. He would tell me that he was the only person in the world who loved me. Classic abuser really. It has stayed with me for my entire life.
sounds like a run of the mill childhood to me, when john said "i deserved it everytime i got hit" he did have a point lol because if it wasnt for my dad keeping a tab on me, i think i would of been a crazy kid! it was only the thought of what my dad would do if i got caught! that stopped me from doing things.Quote:
tabitha
Im wondering what age group John is. Different age groups have different views about smacking. Im just trying to imagine myself grabbing one of my beautiful sons by the hair and wallopping their feet with a brush and im struggling with the image, and believe me my children are no angels and I am often tearing my hair out with them.
I'm 27. If anything, I was treated quite leniently in general. I got in trouble all the time but I was never hit as a punishment. Only when I would really be flipping out and I didn't care about anything.
Other that that I was a generally good kid.
I was a good kid too John.
My mom chased me with a wooden spoon, although I was to fast for her so she gave up.
...
Yes but there doesn't have to be bruises for it to be assault.
My dad would tease me til I got in a temper, then send me to my room when I was quite young. Later however, when my mum and I would clash, she also threw things at me - a rolling pin being one. I know which episode I would class as abuse though.
wow, i have to pinch myself, i can't beleive so many in one place stand for non violence to children....I started a thread on this topic on another forum the replys were over a thousand and 3 posters were (myself included) against harm based parenting... we provided studys etc. etc. I was flamed and trolled repeatedly for not, hitting my kids......I was in the wrong place....lol
I was spanked too much as a child..
but sadly, not enough as an adult. :(
Haha, get yourself over to the spanking thread, Pilaf!
I know what you mean. I teach at a small community college in a very rural Southern area and when I discuss the studies (and behaviorist views on punishment), you should hear all the groans and vocal disagreement...like "I was 'wore-out' all the time and I turned out fine":confused: People in my area seem to think that not spanking leads to brats, but I think it has more to do with many of the things you guys have already discussed: affection, consistency in use of non-physical punishment, using positive reinforcement appropriately, etc. I've noticed that a lot of parents I've seen who use spanking as their main form of punishment are "lazy" about praising their kids for good things--often they don't even notice. I was spanked, but not very often, and being "talked to" (i.e., "we're very disappointed because you __________") worked much more long-term on me than being spanked in changing my behavior in the ways they intended.Quote:
sheri beri
it really is a sad discovery to make that so many people believe in hitting children. i remeber in my speech class in college someone gave a survey about corporal punishment, and it was disgusting how many people said they PLANNED on hitting their kids :mad: :(
My Mom has a master's in psychology and didn't believe in any form of physical punishment so I was never spanked. She did believe in positive reinforcement which meant I got lots of cool stuff when I acted cool. I decided not to have kids but if I did I would use the same method my Mom used, it worked. I was a pretty well behaved kid.
I was spanked quite a lot actually, sometimes even by my older brother when he was visiting us (he used to get angry at me every single time at least once). Once my mom hit me so that I even got nosebleed. I remember hitting back every time I got spanked so maybe they gave up spanking when I grew up too strong.. :p
I think I could hit my child if I ever got one but not without a very good reason (he or she doing something really bad like torturing animals, stealing etc.).
I was a kid that was removed form an abusive enviorment as a child, i would end up being reared in love by my grandparents, i have experienced both sides of the coin, there was never a question om that I would be guiding in non violence....I was told recently by a professional that they now have found that even if you weren't hit but witnessed a sibling being beaten it can have profound effects on you....
Eclectic One thankyou for the additonal info, as you suggested, I can attest to it works..... I have 3 boys and they are great kids......
Vegan 1969 you were very fortunate to be parented in the manner you were and i'm sure you will make an excellent parent.We know so much now there is no reason to keep doing the same old same old......
and we wonder why society is so violent it begins with a slap......
What a sad/good thread. I don't think about my mom much but we nick named her "Mommy Dearest". To this day I really don't like her or speak with her.
She prepetuated all of the mental abuse and would slap you across the face at the drop of a hat. A very angry and emotionally unbalanced woman.
I as a parent will never and do not hit my daughter. I believe that hitting a child is no different then hitting an adult. It should be a crime.
Parents with unruly kids are in my opinion parents that don't care enough to make them behave and children that have no respect for their parents.
Sheila
:eek: if it didn't seem to work on you, why would you even think of putting it into practice?? :confused:Quote:
~Luna~
"Research has established that far from correcting the child, physical punishment can do lasting harm.Quote:
If I had kids, I'd hit them too. The reason there's so many kids with horrible behavior is that they don't get spanked. They don't get a real punishment, so they keep being rotten.
• First of all, by physically punishing a small child, we are not teaching him to be sorry for what he has done, all he is doing is just learning to be afraid of our anger.
• The child mat well grow up either fearful where he is always afraid of doing something wrong or he may become sly where he learns to hide what he is doing from us.
• Children who incur excessive physical punishment often end up becoming stubborn. Instead of learning a lesson and not repeating a naughty act, they just learn to endure the pain and continue doing what they want.
• By physically punishing a child, we are sending the message that might is right. They will grow up believing that it is alright to hurt people they are smaller and weaker.
• Since the child cannot retaliate, he may end up harbouring anger, fear and resentment against the parents which may express themselves in other ways.
• By giving way to our temper, we are only making our lack of self-control more evident. Apart from this, our aggression and anger can cause deep rooted insecurity in the child. This can lead to life long complexes.
• What one should do is to rein in one's temper. Tell the child what he was done wrong. Be sure to enforce the message that it is not the child that is at fault but his behavior. If at all the child needs to be disciplined, there are other ways of doing it.
• Take a positive approach to help the child develop self-discipline which will eventually do away with the needs for punishment altogether (physical or otherwise).
Parents are the child's whole world. By physically punishing the child we can really shake his foundations."
My dad used to smack me as a child. He got very angry and used to just lash out in impulse. He never hurt me badly, but im sure I had a few bruises. I remember the LAST time he did it. I must have annoyed him and I new what was coming so i ran and hid under the table and he chased me and tried to get me out of the table, then he just stopped and never did it again. I don't know why...
Ive got my dads short temper too, but when I have children I will not do anything like that.
My parents are from Trinidad and Aruba....they dont play games ova there. So the answer is yes.
I remember once when I was about 6 my brother dared me to stand on the toilet and pee into the sink. At the time I could think of nothing else on earth that could possibly be funnier, so I hopped to it. I left the bathroom door open (there's no use being shy about these things), and my dad heard the merry-making and came upstairs to check things out - busted!! :D
My young mind was not nimble enough to explain my actions, so I got a mini-hiding for that, which I thought was a fair cop really. I was only in my jim-jams too, so no hope of slipping a copy of War and Peace down the back before the retribution began.
Then later on, my Dad was cleaning my teeth for me, and just walloped me again, mid-clean :confused: I guess he was just running the evening's highlights through his head again, and was freshly angered by my pee-crimes. Fair enough, I suppose ;)
vegan1969, what sources do you have for these comments? Just wondered because even though I've read much of it before, I don't know all the sources when I give information to my classes:o
Absolutely not. My mom tried to spank me once, when I was 5, and she ended up crying. I laughed only because it didn't hurt. My siblings and I were never hit by her or anyone else. I grew up in CT and most of my friends were not hit, either. I honestly didn't realize parents still did that to their kids until I moved down south. I had one class in college, Family Dynamics, and the professor asked everyone by show of hands if they were hit as kids. Apart from me and another girl, everyone raised their hands. Interestingly enough, she and I were the only ones from the north and the rest were good 'old southern kids.
It just doesn't make sense to me, however I can understand why some parents do it. They reach that absolute level of frustration/anger and don't know what else to do. This does not make it right, though. I think parents need to start from day 1 communicating with their kids about right and wrong and give punishments other than physical/verbal abuse. And most importantly, follow through them!
My brothers, sister and I never really got out of hand and if we did, it was far worse to have our parents disappointed and lose trust in us than actually getting hit by them.
It just seems so thuggish to smack a kid. I see my brother smack his kids sometimes and I really don't get it. It takes their power away.
It's an uncreative person's method of discipline.
Mum hit me sometimes. As a child and as an adult too until I left home.
I would agree that Smacking/spanking really doesn't do much good. I know with my first guide dog Bruce's trainer was really big on what she termed 'physical correction'. I don't use this on my current dog Jilli and I find her to be a much better behaved dog.
I was smacked and I do remember being frightened of my dad, he'd shout I'm bringing my stick up. He didn't have a stick but he did smack us pretty hard and he accidently burn't my brother with his ciggarette whilst smacking him once and he hurt my sister's ears pretty badly.
I used to smack my daughter (now 3) very rarely only about three times altogether, but I felt even then it was wrong and I felt sick with guilt afterwards. I haven't smacked her for a long time and I hope will never do it again. It doesn't teach the child or help the adult it's an act of desperation and there are better methods of disapline. My daughter goes in the 'naughty spot' now and that gives us both a chance to calm down.
I don't think people who smack their children are monsters or automatically bad parents but I choose not to do it to my daughter.
I was spanked but only if i did something out of order.I wouldn't class it as abuse compared to what you see a lot of kids having to go through.
Seeing my parents shout at each other always seemed to have more of an effect on me than any phsical punishment i got.Physical pain is there then goes away but not understanding why something is happening is far worse for a child.
I'd like to be spanked as an adult.
I did some bad things as a kid , (I'm a good kid now) that I got a real beating for but I hold no grudge because I really think I needed it. One day, I had a cork gun, like a double barrel shot gun type, filled it up with gravel from the drive way and shot my sister in the face! I have no idea why. Dad about broke that gun in half over my butt as he beat me with it. I remember the punishment. One afternoon mom heard me swearing and got me in a head lock over the sink with a bar of Ivory soap telling me we needed to wash the dirty words out of my mouth! Now that was rather sick, yuck. Today a kid could sue and cause parents much grief.
I was never smacked....My Dad used to lunge at us occasionally but my Mum always saved the day!! ;-) It was pretty rare.
Actually once when my sister and I were little and splashing and being very out of control in the bath my Mum told us to stand up and gave a little tap on the bot. Since she is really anti-smacking we love to remind her of this.
I have given the occasional tap on the bottom to my little girls when they have been really out of control but it has no effect...
My husband was hit regularly with a belt by his Dad :-(
I was smacked occasionally but only when I was really very naughty, I don't consider the level of smacking I got as being the abusive part of my childhood, not at all.
Princess Emma, that is terrible, your dad sounds abusive and not only for the smacking but for smoking around you and your siblings and being so careless with it. Even my mother would have never been that bad as to accidentally burn me and she was and still is a heavy smoker (i avoided being around her as much as possible and can feel little love for her, but under the circumstances it makes sense to me how i feel as she is the one with the problem).
It was my dad who smacked me but it's my mum I resent and feel as she did me more harm smoking around me than the odd smack from my dad. I don't think it did any harm or any good being smacked as it was only when I was very naughty, it did not help because I was the kind of child who just got more angry and stubborn because I had been smacked, it just gave me an excuse to be even worse. It's not as if I was smacked for absolutely nothing, so I'm not angry with my dad, but I am mostly against it and the very few occasions I ever smacked my kids I felt terrible about it. I'm angry with my mum because I tried to reason with her about what she was doing to my health and she just would not listen or change. That was definitely more abusive and disrespectful than a smack.
I don't have any memories about being hit in any way, in spite of knowing that I must have been a brat from hell until my brother was born (single kids :rolleyes: ).
I got smacked and restrained but not violentlyin order to stop me from doing things or if I was very badly behaved. My mum regrets doing it but it didn't bother me in the slightest although I'm not sure I would do it to my own children if I become a mother. I have mixed feelings; beating a child is always wrong and is a form of abuse but a brief slap is very different. I wouldn't be sure whether a toddler would understand a punishment that wasn't instantanious and could be associated with the behaviour. Many children seem to ignore being shouted at. It perhaps depends on the child as well.
The only things my parents have done that have really upset me have been spoken.