my dad would try to spank me but id bust out laughing and really minimized what he was trying to do so he never did it again LOL. i was like good try buddy, try somethin new :rolleyes:
my mom spanked me when i was around 5.
Printable View
my dad would try to spank me but id bust out laughing and really minimized what he was trying to do so he never did it again LOL. i was like good try buddy, try somethin new :rolleyes:
my mom spanked me when i was around 5.
Feral, you are right there's a big difference between abuse and smacking. I'm not at all sure how obvious this difference is to children though :( I still maintain that smacking is unnecessary, no matter how "bad" or "naughty" the child is (can you tell I hate those words? lol!). If during an argument, my partner felt a "good slap" would get his point across to me more succesfully, I'd hightail it down to our local nick and have him up for assault. Using violence is not acceptable to us as adults and nor is it to children, although we rarely ask their opinion on the matter. I don't mean to say that a spanking is the same as being systematically beaten up, bruised, and abused, but I do feel that trying to distinguish between the two can be a bit of a grey area for some people and is open to personal interpretation. It's impossible to know how your "harmless" slap may seem to a child, or even how it may be perceived by another adult, but you can be sure that it will send a confusing message about violence and agression to that child. I feel that in the long run any form of physcial chastisement could cause pent up negative emotion, which is neither healthy nor helpful to a child's emotional development.
Tbh, speaking from experience there is a big difference even to a child. The difference being the feeling of dread by a child who knows it's about to get an open handed smack on the legs/bum to a child who's blood runs cold and prays for an open handed smack.Quote:
VeganMoominGirl
Again this is not to say I condone/encourage smacking. I feel it's important to separate these issues as the horrific abuse inflicted on some children does not need or deserve to be grouped with light (albeit unpleasant) physical punishment for a wrongdoing. Grouping the two strengthens the anti-smacking cause but similarly weakens the understanding of true abuse in the general public.. i.e. "sure those bloody bleeding hearts brigade think a smack on the arse is abuse what would they know" the likely attitude of a parent just before they punch their 4yr old in the face.
Again I am in no means trying to offend/judge/target members on this thread but when talking about such an emotive subject we must be aware that blurring the lines can, sometimes, do more harm than good.
I respect the opinions of all but one person on this thread, and it think I've made it clear which one. You guys have a lovely attitude to live and I appreciate being welcomed into your group :cool:
Yup I had my arse tanned a million times when I was younger when I was bad and it stopped me right in my tracks. It worked and I can't say it ruined my life. But it depends- Some parents can take it too far.
I suppose it depends on the age of the child (ie old enough to know better) and how naughty what they are doing is. Sometimes a smack (nothing too harsh) does stop them and sometimes with some kids it is the only way- parents need control of children as they could put themselves in danger.
Mind you it's all about playing mind tricks with them now-
Get to that naughty step LOL!!!
...
I have three children Two girls aged 5 and 3 and a little boy os ten months. When I was new to it all I would tap their hands gently and say no. I also did shout at them. Then I realised that these methods just didn't work at all. Now their punishments are all relevant to the "crime". They often sit on a "naughty step" where they can see nothing interesting, are not spoken to and is just generally boring. They hate this and the threat of it is usually enough to stop most kinds of naughtiness.
Other things that work well are confiscating their favourite toys, making them pay for things they have broken, losing out on treats... all things that have an immediate effect. I have a "friend" (really just an aquaintance) who screams at her children and smacks them when they misbehave. All that happens is that they become immune to loud shouts. It all goes over their heads. To get their attention she has to get louder and louder or smack harder and harder. It just doesn't work.
A really big part of discipline is never to threaten anything you won't carry out. I have seem many people threaten a child with "if you do that again then we will leave" when they're at a party or something. The child may repeat the behaviour again and again and the parent doesn't leave. The child then loses respect for that punishment, as it has been proven to be pointless - it never gets carried out. With my children, I threatened that once, they carried on being naughty so we left. Now they know I mean what I say and so anything I warn them about gets listened to. On the offchance they continue - I follow through with my threat!
My children are really well behaved and I never need to smack them. I don't think spanking is necessarily wrong, I just don't think it is the most effective punishment.
:)
VeganMoominGirl wrote:
"(should also mention that whilst it may be a *personal choice* for the parent, its never the *choice of the child to be spanked). "
________________________________________
So what if it's your child's choice to tear wings off flies, to eat meat? Are you going to just let them do whatever they *choose*?
The whole idea of discipline, although not pretty, requires something we would not choose to do. It would be nice to only ever have to give positive feedback, but sometimes that's not possible. Then what do you do, ignore the behavior and hope it goes away?
Can i have an example please.Quote:
Veganbear
I could say the same if some one decided to get on my nerves, run into me, annoy me etc. I would never hit anyone and not a small child who needs to be told what is right and wrong. And to say kids are getting worse because they are not being smaked is just wrong. Its because parents dont bother with there children, dont bother to explain what wright and wrong. I have seen many parents telling there kids if they dont shut up they will get smacked, for goodness sake what kind of example are these parents being to there children. My eldest is calm, non violent and behaves, he knows what is right and wrong and he know what reapect is and i never had to lay a finger on him.
Excellent post, Absentmindedfan, I agree!
I agree, and i have seen people in the street smaking there children and two minutes later they are doing the same thing they got told of for.Quote:
Cherry
Yes reds violence breads violence and i cant see how you can teach your children not to hit out and hit them yourself.
We were 4 kids, none of us were ever spanked.
Puffin wrote: "Yes reds violence breads violence and i cant see how you can teach your children not to hit out and hit them yourself."
I totally agree with you, parents however unwittingly, lead by example. They are role models to their children. I only have to look at the way my son copies the inflections in my voice to realise that! (it's hilarious lol!)
Feral, I also totally agree with you. As I said before, spanking shouldn't be confused with abuse and I can see how confusing the two isn't helpful to our understanding of child abuse. It is an emotive subject: To spank or not to spank? For me although distinct, the line that runs between occasional spanking, over-spanking in place of more creative, positive discipline, and hitting that begins to cross the mark of what is "socially acceptable", is very fine. Parents would in my opinion, do better to avoid spanking where at all possible. From my own parents experiences I know how easy it is to slip into regular use of spanking. Once that line has been crossed, it becomes easier to do, and easier to do too often.
Grail, I'm aware that I may come across in my posts as a woolly liberal, but I don't allow my son to do just whatever he chooses, although I'm sure he'd love it if I did lol! The absence of spanking as a so called form of
discipline does not equal total anarchism and lack of parental guidance. I feel at this stage in our son's life my partner and I are laying down the foundations of preventative parenting. By this I mean we hope that by being loving, respectful and teaching Oz to understand his and others feelings that we'll prevent the need for an Authoritarian approach to discipline. Children are not born naughty, and don't need to be controlled by whatever means available. They have the ability to be loving, respectful and to make good choices within them. I see gentle parenting as a means to help them do this. There's a lot to be said for children living up to their elders' expectations of them. Call a child naughty enough and he'll start to believe you. This lack of self-esteem will show in his behaviour soon enough. That's just how I see things though. This way works for us at the moment and that's all any family can hope to do really: just do what works best for you, your family and your situation.
...
I was promised a lot of spanking but never actually got it. We laugh about it today!
Mostly my parents just had to look at me and I knew I'd better slow down or stop what I was doing wrong.
I really, really agree with this, Bunny.Quote:
Bunny
Yep, I've seen that scenario many many times. It's also frustrating to watch - I feel like carrying out the threat myself. LOL.
The mother of two of my nieces is one of those who always do what she says she's going to do - no matter what. She's kind and encouraging, but also belives in structure and discipline. She's my biggest mother role model. If I ever will have kids, she'll be my mentor.:)
As long as children know thier boundries there's usually no problem.
I was hit quite a bit. Mostly on the bum and legs, with hands, a wooden spoon, back of a hairbrush and even my Dad's belt.
I would get smacked accross the face (mostly backhanded) and once when I was 12 I was hit so hard it knocked the braces off my teeth. I remember having to go to the orthadontist for repairs to the braces and I wasn't allowed to tell him how it happened. He never asked anyway.
Now I think about it, it's odd that I wasn't allowed to tell the orthadontist - my parents didn't seem to care about belting me infront of other people. All the way up until I was 14. I remember being really humiliated twice, when my I was bashed infront of other people.
Up until about 3rd grade, the school adminstrators were allowed to paddle students they had considered as bad. Let's just say they used to spank my ass weekly. The vice principal and the wood shop teacher had wooden paddles and they whacked the crap out of you with them. The principal used a rolled up newspaper which didn't hurt at all. When you knew you were to be paddled by him, it was quite the sigh of relief.
Finally, they were no longer allowed to do that and "detention" became the norm.
My Mom didn't spank me often, I think maybe twice, but she took it really easy.
Oh, Roxy, that's terrible. Poor you.
Thanks Red. Similar things happened to my brother. He didn't really handle it as well as I and received councilling as an adult to deal with the hurt of it all.
((((((Roxy))))))
Oh, that's terrible, Roxy.:( Do you think living such a long distance from your family now is a way to deal with it, to be away from it all?...I think I sub-consciously choose to go as far as I could to run away from my past. A soon as I visit my hometown it hits me all over again....old memories and people who judged or hurt me in some way.
No wonder why some of us choose not to have kids - we have to experience yet another childhood and re-live old bad memories.
I have thought about that Kriz. Whilst it's not the reason I moved overseas, I think it does help for us to be apart. I've never had a close relationship with my parents because I never felt that I could trust them and I think the physical punishments I received as a child have a lot to do with that.
My parents are a lot genteler in their older age now. They have also become Christians which seems to have mellowed them quite a bit.
Last year, when I was visiting them, I tried to bring this subject up with my father who said he couldn't remember the incidences I was talking about and then asked me "why don't you love me"? What a stupid question. I do love him - but I felt like he felt guilty and was in turn trying to make me feel guilty for asking about it.
Oh God Roxy, that's exactly the same as my old man... he sits and tells people in front of me that he never had to lift a hand to us kids... seriously, they must make themselves forget!
Yes, I think my Dad probably felt that guilty about some of those things, that he pushed them into that dark area right at the back of his mind.
Also, I'm not saying I was an angel or anything. There were times, when I must admit, I probably deserved to be punished. But no child (as far as I am concerned) deserves to punished with beatings. There are other ways to deal with insubordination or just plain naughtyness.
My Dad really doesn't feel any guilt at all, he's convinced himself that he was a wonderful Father and that it isn't his fault his kids are all bastards (his words & he didn't notice the irony lol). But then there is a psychotic tendency in that side of the family.
I'm glad you went for counselling, I hope your brother is able to find peace with the situation.
All normal mischievieous children deserve to be punished from time to time, but hitting or psychologically abuse a child is inexcusable. Either the parents are completely ignorant or they have deep psychologial issues that need to be dealt with. Any parent with violent tendencies should seek counselling promptly.
Oh, I didn't go for conselling. My brother did. He was quite affected by it.Quote:
feral
Thanks for the kind words. :)
This is either ignorance, arrogance or denial.Quote:
feral
I believe denial is most likely.
I reckon it's a combination, he's a very ignorant & arrogant man too.
For those who choose to beat their children it's worth remembering that the child will grow up and will then be an adult who knows what you did.
Well said, feral.
There have been so many good and heartfelt responses on this thread. I think most of us should have a big hug together ((((((((the lovely vegan people))))))) lol :)
Aaahh lovely *joins in the group hug*
My brother never went to conselling but he could have done with it. My brother has always had me to talk to about the past and i think it helped us both get over it. He had it pretty bad, me second then my little brother got away with everything. Its sad to think back but i have learnt how not to be a parent.Quote:
Roxy
I still feel sad today about how he was treated, but we dont speak to my mum so thats all in the past now.
Hugs to you Roxy
youve got my sympathy Roxy...and ican empathise lol unfortunatly
my dad was the reason i moved out of home when i ws 15...ever since i was little i was frightened of hsi temper..i am no longer afraid of him but i am guilty of never havina relationship with him.i do not like violent men.and as from being very little i knew what my dad was doing wasnt right.
hed hit me, in front of friends for daft reasons such as he couldnt find the dog.or that i had gotten out of bed at nite....i know someone mentioned being embarressed but i never was, it just caused me to get bullied at school and ppl jokin behind my back that my mother was a battered wife...
i was a pathetic lil git anyways i never fought back.
the final thing that made me vow to never speak tohim was when he threw me down the stairs as i had returend home late and (alledgedly) there was a rapist in town and he was worried.he chucked me out the doer in my nighty and i had to go to a friends house....and then i knew i had to leave home...
it was 2 black eyes and 2 years later whne i escaped lol
dnt get me incorreclty it wasnt something htat happened every day.but i couldnt ever hold a relationship with my father even tho i loved the way he thought as it ws very similar to mine in many ways..and he was very intelligent...my mother winds me up as she totaly doesnt ever think -so i related more to him in this way.but i wish now that i had nt cut myself off somuch..because he isnt goin to last much longer...and i cant even bring myself to go visit him!:(