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Were you spanked as a child?
Not sure if this belongs here or in "Chit Chat". This is just a general thread about spanking children. Did your parents ever do it to you? Have you ever done it to your children in a moment of anger?
I was spanked quite a bit as a young child (it stopped when I hit 9 or 10). Usually it was open-handed, but one time my mom used the wooden spoon and broke it on my butt :eek: . She never did that again LOL. The worst times were when I would do something wrong while my step-dad was sitting or lying on the couch. Rather than come over to me to discipline me, he would stay there and call me over because he was too lazy to get up. I was always too afraid to disobey, but terrified to go near him too. For the record, he and I are very close now, and I don't think I have any emotional scars from being spanked. I just remember it with a twinge of resentment...
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Once, by my dad (when I was about 5 or 6) - and he did it so hard and I wailed SO much and for SO long that he never did it again!!
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I was spanked. There's a difference between spanking and abuse - I know because I've experienced both and they feel different. Maybe I'm the only barbarian around here, but I guess I could just be old-fashioned.
I haven't decided which methods of discipline will be appropriate for my daughter. We may never have to spank her at all, the way things are going..(fingers crossed):D
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
:eek: :(
I'd say I was NEVER hit but I do remember once when I was 4 or 5 that I was playing on my toy thing with wheels at the bottom of the stairs and my Dad getting angry and shouting and hitting me on the bottom. It wasn't hard and I don't think it even hurt but I remember feeling upset and confused and not knowing what it was that I was supposed to have done.
My mum must have been out :rolleyes:
I don't believe in smacking children AT ALL. I really don't think it's helpful and I think there are FAR more constructive ways to teach children the difference between right and wrong. In my experience it doesn't pay off in the long term and causes a general lack of trust and respect.
I don't have children but would have thought that heaps of praise, clear boundaries, quiet reminders of why that's not a good idea, star charts, time out & withdrawal of priviledges would be more constructive than beating to a pulp/humiliation.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I didn't get spanked very often. My father raised me and he just couldn't handle it very well. (Get all moist eyed and stuff) My usual punishment was to think about why what I did was wrong and give a small speech about it to him.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Yes i was spanked all the time, on the bottom stuff or across the face, kind of depended how fast i ran :D
And no i would never ever spank my children. I would never forgive myself. If i get angry i just walk away and come back when i have calmed down.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Quote:
grail
We may never have to spank her at all, the way things are going..(fingers crossed):D
Cool :) It's a positive spiral so if she's generally very well behaved then I'm sure that if she *did* do anything out of character then an 'I'm very shocked/hurt/disappointed' speech will suffice :)
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Let's define spanking before we go any further.
Spanking is never done as an impulse. Smacking your kid in the face for mouthing off to you is *NOT* spanking. Beating your kid out of anger is not spanking. That's abuse.
My dad, who is a wonderful man, would sit us on his knee and ask us to repeat or tell us exactly what we did wrong. And it had to be bad - like the time I stabbed a boy with a dinner fork for making fun of my dress. (Like I said, it depends on the kid, and I definitely had my moments). Sending me to my room was not a punishment, I'd just go read a book and think I'd been given a break. As I grew up, the threat of awful housework jobs like weeding the tomatoes or cleaning beetles out of the cellar had some deterrent ability. :)
And he'd hug us afterwards and tell me that he still loved me and was sorry that I had chosen to do that and that he'd hoped I'd never do it again. It was very evident to me that my misbehavior made him sad even though I was sadder for the spanking.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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grail
Let's define spanking before we go any further.
Spanking is never done as an impulse. Smacking your kid in the face for mouthing off to you is *NOT* spanking. Beating your kid out of anger is not spanking. That's abuse.
I understand what you are saying and i have been told that i confuse spanking and abuse.
I get very upset at the thought of anyone smaking there children so i find it hard to seperate the two. Pain is pain as far as i am concerned and i do my best to stop anyone hurting my children. For example, i had to go to the school today because my son had been punched in the face now if i smaked him i would find it hard to storm in there and tell the teachers that my child will not come to school to be hurt. I told her that i have never laid a hand on him and i do not expect it to happen when i send him to school. Now some may think i am being over protective but my son needs to see than any form of violence is not tolerated.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I got walloped a few times by my mum. Usually with slightly comic objects... she actually tried to whack me with a big bag of hay once!!:D As soon as we realised what had happened we both immediately burst into laughter. It backfired on her when she threw a large book at me and my wrist swelled up twice its normal size. She felt terrible. My dad only hit me once, i was four and it was for refusing to wear a lambswool jumper because it was itchy (See how cool i was?) He hit me really hard and I just remember being totally shell shocked. It never happened again.
I completely agree with Cherry - theres no point punishing a child without them understanding why, so lashing out is totally unhelpful. As for 'controlled spanking' i dont feel comfortable with this either. I think there are better ways to help children distinguish right and wrong. I dont think the use of physical pain is the answer.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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catmogg
theres no point punishing a child without them understanding why, so lashing out is totally unhelpful. As for 'controlled spanking' i dont feel comfortable with this either. I think there are better ways to help children distinguish right and wrong. I dont think the use of physical pain is the answer.
I agree.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
No I was never spanked. Had a lot of mental torture though. Theres lots of different ways to have a shit childhood isnt there.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I think also, as we continue this discussion, it would be good to say how many kids you have and how old they are.
I have one daughter who is a year old and understands the word "no" - she stops and turns around and literally growls at me when I tell her no. It's very cute that she actually listens even a little at that age.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I never was much but I think i'd be able to deal with the physical side rather than emotional hurt??
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
so true, tabitha!!!!!!!!
My mom was the mental abuser in the family. I'd take a spanking from my dad over some swearing, name-calling ("worthless!") and slapping from my mom anyday.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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tabitha
No I was never spanked. Had a lot of mental torture though. Theres lots of different ways to have a shit childhood isnt there.
Yes there is and both are just as bad. It makes me wonder why some parents actually had kids if they treat them like they dont want them.
Grail, my children are 8 and 2 and both boys.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
cool, puffin.
I'm not really "pro-spanking" - I am adopting this position just for discussion sake and also because I want to promote the idea that parenting methods should vary from child to child. I plan to not spank if at all possible.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Yes I was spanked and I hated it. I hate seeing adults smacking their children and I'm totally against it. When I was old enough I was able to stand up to my mum and I told her if she ever tried to spank me again, she'd get it straight back. She never did it again.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Interesting thread. I have one 16 month old son and have never, and will never spank him. Its a personal choice, but I just think its wrong to use any kind of violence against kids, however "controlled" or well meant (should also mention that whilst it may be a *personal choice* for the parent, its never the *choice of the child to be spanked). I don't see how anything positive can come out of it, and I'm also not sure how anyone can justify using spanking to teach valuable lessons to impressionable children.
Surely all that happens it that both the parent and the child feel bad, negative, and resentful? I'm not judging anyone who does spank, it's just that I find it so hard to get my head around. I feel that it's illogical to try and show your kids how to behave well, responsibley, with love and respect towards others, by being so ill-behaved, irresponsible, cruel and disrespectful. I guess I base my parenting philosophy on being a good role model and behaving empathetically towards Oz (my son), something which spanking just doesn't fit right with. He sleeps in our bed, has done since birth, how could I ever hit him???
I'm the eldest of four, and both Tim, my brother who's next in line and I were spanked as children. My parents feel awful about it. They never laid a finger on their subsequent kids - my sister and youngest brother. Both my parents are very loving people, Tim and I have been able to talk to both my mum and dad about why we were spanked, and why they though it was the right thing to do at the time. Hindsight is a healer in this case for us. Based on my own and my parents' experiences of spanking as a form of discipline, I know its not for me.
Part of the reason I parent the way I do (attachment style, positive parenting), is because of these experiences. It was never *that* bad, it wasn't systematic violence or anything, more like slaps on the legs, on the bottom with an open hand, occasionally a wooden spoon. But, I can remember VIVIDLY how I felt when I was spanked, and when my brother was spanked. It felt shameful, embarrasing, and disturbing. I hated myself, and hated my parents. I knew at the time, how awful my parents felt, and that made it worse. We all just felt utterly wretched and I couldn't say that it hasn't left scars, traces of resentment (my brother still finds it hard to talk to my parents about it now without getting angry, shouting and then finally crying - he's 22). Children are incredibly sensitive, some more than others and they pick up on miniscule nuances of emotion, that they're not always mature enough to deal with.
Parenting is HARD, and I find it tests my limits emotionally and physically everyday. But, I just feel I owe it to myself and my son to find different ways of disciplining.
Hannah xxx
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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Yoggy
I was spanked quite a bit as a young child (it stopped when I hit 9 or 10). Usually it was open-handed, but one time my mom used the wooden spoon and broke it on my butt :eek: . She never did that again LOL.
haha, that used to be my mom's favourite method
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
not very often spanked..i was hit as i got older..it ruined any relationship i mayve had with my father and i deeeply regret that now i dont see him very often...iwas a very mature thoughtful kid and i knew i didnt deserve it.it was veyr much done because of his temper.
il never have kids...so chances are my kids wont get spanked:)
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
as a child i was spanked on occassion, and a few times was even back handed, although just the threat of any punishment was usually enough for me. the thing is, i don't think any of the spankings were at all necessary, and I hope that when I have children I will be able to control myself enough to never lay hand on my own.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I was spanked all the time.
If I had kids, I'd hit them too. The reason there's so many kids with horrible behavior is that they don't get spanked. They don't get a real punishment, so they keep being rotten.
When I'm out places and there's screaming brats, I wish I could hit them. If a kid accidently runs into me, I'll yell at it. I don't care if the parents are standing right there.
This thread reminds me of a story:
A co-worker said her daughter was misbehaving, so she spanked her. Her daughter said, "I'm going to tell my teacher!" So she goes, "Wait! Come back!" The daughter comes back and she spanks her again and says, "Now you have something to tell her!"
I would never hit an animal, no matter what it did.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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Veganbear
I would never hit an animal, no matter what it did.
but u'd hit an equally defenseless child...
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Why would you never hit an animal but you would hit a child???
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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Veganbear
If a kid accidently runs into me, I'll yell at it.
Would you do the same thing if an adult accidentally ran into you? An accident is just that, an accident. If you accidentally bumped into someone, do you think you would deserve to get yelled at? No one should be yelled at for doing something unintentionally.
That said, I see many many out-of-control children misbehaving badly while their parents are right there, and the parents do nothing. I think the kids SHOULD be disciplined, just not with physical violence.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
So Veganbear you'll not mind then when one of these kids parents hits you a smack in the teeth for yelling at their kid?
I hate to see unruly kids in public but certainly wouldn't yell at one. While I was doing my degree I looked after my brother's two kids (1 1/2 & 2 1/2 yrs old) one day a week and I never had to raise my voice or smack them. A tap with my finger on the back of their hand while making eye contact and firmly stating no was enough. My lil nephew would then stick out his bottom lip and sulk lol. My sister in law screamed at them constantly and they never listened. My mum parked 2 doors up from their house one day and could her my SIL screaming at them, my mum never interferes but had to go into the house and tell her that the neighbours could all hear her. My SIL actually said one day that one word from me and the kids did as they were told, yeah because auntie feral didn't scream at them every time they behaved like kids!
My father beat us violently until I got old enough to defend myself. I still see him because my mum's still married to him but if he ever has a stroke or anything he'll be carted off to the next available home, damn sure I'd be looking after him and my mum feels the same.
Even so I have seen occaisons when a child should have been smacked but it's in extreme cases.
Tbh Veganbear I find your attitude disturbing.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I agree whole-heartedly Yoggy. And the thing is, using the same argument that physical discipline is the only way to make a child behave could be used for hitting animals, i.e. why do you think there are so many dogs that pee on carpets, because they don't get a good whacking....
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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RedWellies
Why would you never hit an animal but you would hit a child???
Kids do things to deserve to be hit. I think it's horrible when people hit their animals with newspapers and stuff. WHY would you do something to upset an animal?????
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Technically children are animals too. ;)
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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Yoggy
Would you do the same thing if an adult accidentally ran into you? An accident is just that, an accident. If you accidentally bumped into someone, do you think you would deserve to get yelled at? No one should be yelled at for doing something unintentionally.
Adults have BUMPED into me, but I was at the store and this stupid kid RAN into me. Control your kids and they won't get yelled at. ALL kids should have to be on a leash. I admire the parents I have seen with their kids on a leash. They know how to control them.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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feral
[COLOR=darkslateblue]So Veganbear you'll not mind then when one of these kids parents hits you a smack in the teeth for yelling at their kid?[/COLOR
They'd be the one spending some time in jail or getting a big fine. Maybe then they'll learn to control their kids.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
Now I've gone from being disturbed to being disgusted!
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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feral
Now I've gone from being disturbed to being disgusted!
agreed, although i retain the first sentiment as well
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I remember once when i was 7yrs old 50p went missing, my mother told my father when he got in that i was the only person in the house at the time apart from my mum that is. so my dad sat me down and said "right Tony where is it" i told him it wasnt me, he said i was lying and if i didnt own up i was going to get a whack, so because i didnt want to get whacked i said it was me and some older boy had taken it off me. So he gave me a whack!?!
Later on my mother found the 50p under some stuff on the side and told my dad it hadnt been me after all. i got another whack for lying!?!? work that one out lol
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I was spanked all the time as a child, usually with a wooden spoon or slipper, or whatever was around i guess. I dont even think half the time I realised why I was getting punished.
I dont have any kids at the moment but if i do I will never be spanking them, I personally believe there are other ways to teach a child right from wrong. I find it difficult to see a difference between this "spanking" and "abuse". I realise that if the child has literally done nothing wrong but is hit anyway then that is abuse, but isnt any form of "spanking" a child whether or not you think they done something bad just abuse, I dont think any child deserves to be spanked so hard that they are wailing in pain (and causing wooded spoons to brake etc), i still call that abuse, sorry if others dissagree there. I cant stand hearing people saying they plan to spank their children (unless its a gentle tap on the hand that is not in any way painful, but then i dont really see the point in that either).
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I was spanked once or twice, but I was generally a good kid so I behaved.
I do agree though, sometimes a smack, not a hard wallop across the face or anything like that, is the only way to stop some kids.
I've observed friends and relatives of mine trying to reason with their kids, offering them bribes, doing the 'naughty step' and all sorts of things, but the kid has decided it's going to act like a brat and misbehave until it gets what it wants so none of this works. Until the Nan comes along, gives them a smack on the lower arm or thigh-NOT hard just enough to shock them-and says 'Stop it!'
Job done, kid behaves. Once they calm down Nan gives them a cuddle and talks to the kid about why they needed a smack, because they were being naughty, and gives them a kiss and a cuddle. Kid toddles off to play completely fine.
I think a combination of love, encouragement and disclipline is the best way. Smacks are a last resort and often other tactics will work, but every now and again they go into Brat Mode and it's the only way. And it must ALWAYS ALWAYS be followed up by an explanation and a kiss and a cuddle.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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Veganbear
Kids do things to deserve to be hit.
Personally, I don't think anyone deserves to be hit. There are other ways to discipline a child. Violence just breeds violence.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
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puffin
I get very upset at the thought of anyone smaking there children so i find it hard to seperate the two. Pain is pain as far as i am concerned
Me too. I was exaggerating somewhat with the 'beaten to a pulp' but I don't think causing physical pain is a very humane way of dealing with kids.
My nephew was hit on a regular basis (in what could be argued as 'a controlled manner') and it really didn't work. He would be hit for doing things that children do and I don't think it was helpful to say the least. I wouldn't call it child abuse, but I think that there are more constructive ways of dealing with bad behaviour.
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Re: Were you spanked as a child?
I'm sorry, can I point out that there is a big differenced between controlled smacking (like amf's nan) and child abuse and by insisting the two are the same you are blittling the suffering and trauma that truely abused children go through. I know people don't mean to do this but in order for people to be able to truely understand life whe shouldn't go blurring the boundries just so it makes our own stance seem stronger. I hope I haven't offended anyone, it's not my intention. This doesn not mean I condone/encouage smacking.