Vegan Environmentalists, a rough draft

[snivelingchild]

I just sat down, and typed this out today, so let me know what you think.

Vegan Environmentalists Can’t Go To School:
A Satire Written While Doing Laundry
(a.k.a. If you give a liberal a cookie)

So, you’ve decided to become a vegan, have you? Well, changing yourself for the good of others doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but sure I’ll entertain the notion for you. Well, after learning so much about veganism, you probably picked up a lot of liberal nonsense about the environment too. Oh well, you were changing your life anyway, might as well jump on another bandwagon. After throwing out all your cheese, leather, and shampoo, you probably had to wander into one of those health food stores to get a bunch of new stuff. Looks like you’re going to start buying organic now too. Now that everything you bought is a lot more expensive, you won’t have as much money, but that’s okay, you never wanted a lot anyway. And like any wide-eyed youth these days you probably decided to get yourself a degree, too. Well, since you’re now a hippy liberal, you probably want something either arts or liberal arts, and damn those dance classes really screw you over on hours, plus all those rehearsals at night you have to go too, and since money is short you’d better take a full load so you san save money and graduate faster. Those 18 credit hours translate into 21 physical hours, plus 6 hours a week for every performance piece you’re in. Well now, you also need to work more hours to be able to pay for all that school, probably about 30, but you figured a college student is supposed to be busy, right?
So you’re going to classes and work and everything’s going alright. But did you forget all those things you need to do at home too? You haven’t done the laundry all week, so you’d better get started. That’s right, you want to reduce the energy you use, so you went and bought an expensive energy-saving washing machine and you line-dry your clothes now. Who minds linty clothes and extra half-hour per load to do the laundry when you’re saving the earth? At least you can do your laundry whenever it’s not raining, and when does that ever happen in southern Louisiana? After finishing all that up, you realize how much the yard needs to be done, so whip out your non-motorized reel mower and finish that up. It’s a good thing you have so much free time to spend 2 hours mowing it every week, because it gets harder to do once in gets long. After coming inside for some cool hibiscus cooler, you also see the dirty dishes. Grab the biodegradable dish soap and get ready to spend another hour doing that since you don’t have a dishwasher.
Now that that’s all done, you can tend to your homework. Wait, you forgot to take of the dogs and cats. Remember, you forgot that stereotypes aren’t always true, so you went out and rescued 7 animals. Feed them their expensive, by-product free food and clean all those litter boxes with biodegradable litter. Isn’t taking care of animals so rewarding? Don’t forget to replace those expensive vegan items that the dog chewed up, and remember to buy her some recycled rubber, no-VOC chew toys and clean her natural fiber bed. You don’t want formaldehyde from polyester filling their lungs. It’s a good thing you have so much time to spend taking care of your animals.
Now that that’s taken care of, you’ve worked up quite an appetite. After all, you did bike to campus (from a few miles away in the ghetto, since you can’t afford to live closer) and back, with dance classes and rehearsals in between. Whip yourself up some organic vegan food right quick. It’ll take a little longer, since you cook everything on the range from scratch. Don’t forget that frozen meals destroy essential nutrients in food, and microwaves slightly alter food so that it’s harmful to eat. Now you can throw those dirty dishes on the pile and catch up on homework. Everything’s going well, except those days you have to go to work. You get home at 10 o’clock and pass out on the couch because you’re worn out. You wake up late for class the next day, and you hadn’t made time do to your homework yet. The work seems to be getting heavier, and the expenses keep piling up. You may have missed too many classes from sleeping in, since you stayed up until 5 in the morning writing a paper, and getting all your work in on time hasn’t been working out. Don’t worry, the end of the semester will be coming before too long, and then you’ll only have exams and finding a second job in-between semesters to help pay for tuition, or perhaps solar panels, who knows? A few people have noticed you seem very sluggish and tired lately. It’s probably just because being vegan and all, you’re probably horribly deficient in protein and B-12.

[snivelingchild]

The ending is weak, because I sort of fizzled out while writing, and there's some more things I intend to add.

[angelamc]

Wow, I'm sad now, and confused. Poor vegans!

[cedar]

heh, your right trying to live an energy intensive, consumer driven life in a way that can ease your environmental conscious can be quite trying at times. but didn't you forget a few things?... you probably don't have that job because you managed to cut back on some expenses, ordering all your books through the inter-library loan sure saved you a few hundred dollars a term. your not heating your house because your rental came with electric heat which would be way to expensive and besides Oregon winters aren't that cold right? Your get most of your food from dumpsters and what that doesn't cover food stamps got the rest. you managed to pick up wifi from the people down the street, saving a good 30bucks/mo. you've managed to cram 5 people into your 2 bedroom house, dropping rent dramatically. you still have to wash your clothes at times, but if you cut down to once every 3 or 4 months its not so bad. luckly your parents are poor so FAFSA covers your schooling and just enough to cover your rent check...good thing you got rid of the rest of those expenses. now you have time for homework. lol

heh i like the satire though. although I really didn't think it was that hard. but why is it that so many vegans are such heavy consumers? its almost as if its ok because I'm vegan...