Do you have a good relationship with your father?

[flying plum]

people assume that just because we have a blood tie to people we must be close to them. i don't really believe that's true. when a parent treats you badly as a child, damages you physically or psychologically...why should you then be made to feel guilty because you don't want a close relationship with them?

if it were a friend, or even a husband/wife, you would leave them and never speak them again.

amanda

[puffin]

I agree flying plum. When i tell people that i no longer speak to my mum and i asked her kindly not to ring me again people think i am heartless but i think for your own sanity you should give up on some relationships even if they are you mother or father.

[Pisces]

I am glad to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I couldn't agree more that people (just because they're related to you/brought you up) are overlooked by others. It's especially awful when someone who cares about you, but also gets on with the parents (or any other abusive relatives) aren't willing to believe you and/or condemns you for feeling that way just because of something scientific (genetics). I can't begin to say how many times this has happened/been happening to me.

I've been having to be my own parent, but also nurture my inner child as much as I can.

With my au pair plans, I plan to have that move be my "foot in the door" to move on with my life as I want to and not live a daily life of oppression, hostility, and in a verbally/emotionally toxic environment.

[Marrers]

When i tell people that i no longer speak to my mum . . . people think i am heartless

I think it goes against what people have absorbed as unchallengable about families and parent/child love - 'blood thicker than water', 'of course they love you - they are your parents' etc. I find the only people who really understand are those who have had difficulties with their own parents.

Many of my friends cannot comprehend not having a good and loving relationship with one or both parents. I find those with kids of their own most judgemental - I assume because it scares them that kids are capable of disliking/ judging/ cutting communication with their parents and it could happen to them!

[Pisces]

I agree with you, Marrers. What you say supports one of my own sayings that I always go by, "To know something is to experience it yourself".

[Yoggy]

I think it goes against what people have absorbed as unchallengable about families and parent/child love - 'blood thicker than water', 'of course they love you - they are your parents' etc.

This is so true. Although I can't understand personally what it must be like to have a truly horrible relationship (or no relationship at all) with a parent, I fully accept that this happens. My aunt had an absolutely awful relationship with her mother, and left home at age 15 and moved in with a friend, and since then she referred to her friend's mother as *her* mother. I don't think she spoke to her real mother since she moved out. Then, a few years ago, she (my aunt) was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, it was in her lungs, heart and brain, and she had to have a lung and piece of her heart removed, and several brain surgeries. She was sick for 3 or 4 years before she died, and my uncle decided to contact my aunt's mother (behind her back) to tell her that her daughter was dying, but the mother never replied, and she never went to her daughter's funeral. I just think that is the saddest thing that could ever happen, but sadly, it does happen. So I would never judge someone who says that they don't speak to their parents, or don't love them, etc., because there are lots of reasons that such a thing could happen, so it's nobody's place to say things like "how could you not love them, they're your parents!", etc.

[Marrers]

That brings up another interesting point Yoggy. Your aunt was not an only child yet it sounds like she was the only one to cut contact with her mother. I am the only one out of 6 kids to do so. This is another source of comment - "if they are that bad why are all your other siblings still in touch with them?"

. . .it's nobody's place to say things like "how could you not love them, they're your parents!", etc.

People do seem to feel they have the right to comment in a very personal way about what they feel are my responsibilities to forgive / forget / let bygones be bygones / grow up and get over it etc - sometimes soley for the reason that my parents are getting older.

A close friend recently lost her gran. There was a lot of bad feeling and resentment between her and her daughter-in-law, my friend's aunt, which went back about 40 years. As her gran became more ill and frail my friend felt very strongly that her aunt should 'bury the hatchet' / forget about the lifetime of bad feeling because her gran was old, ill, dying. Things never were resolved and my friend found this hard to accept or understand.
Funnily enough she is aware of my situation with my parents and supportive of my decision not to see them. When questioned on her reaction to her gran and aunt's situation she still did not feel I should 'make things up' with my parents simply because they were getting older (now or in the future) . . . but she could not get her head around it being the same situation with her aunt and gran and did expect them to make up!

[RedWellies]

He was violent also towards other family members - his mum, dad, twin sister, brother in law....there weren't many really that he didn't try to kill.

OMG, that's awful. Just goes to show how mixed up people can get.

[Heartsease]

I know the original question wuz about fathers butt so many responses have been about mothers and I wunted to mention myne. I broke contact with my mother for about 7 years butt re-established contact with her about 3 years ago. I can say that we now have a great relationship. I explained why I broke contact and we were both able to acknowledge the other's syde of things. No arguments or denials or stress...just real acceptance. I feel blessed.
My relationship with my father is different. He is emotionally absent and does not communicate as my mother does. I have written to him asking/wundering if we could try and create a nycer relationship together (Iym willing!) and his response: Nothing.

So...I have'nt had any contact with him for a while butt I am aware that he is emotionally stunted (owing to his own childhood) and I am starting to think I should not 'ask' him to be different with me ... I can bring some emotion and affection to him? It might seem strange to him at furst butt I can't help reminding myself that we all were tiny babes....and some of us were loved and sum of us were not. A love-filled hug can go a long way in filling the gaps left behind by inadequate parenting......

Hug,anyone?

[puffin]

I think it goes against what people have absorbed as unchallengable about families and parent/child love - 'blood thicker than water', 'of course they love you - they are your parents' etc. I find the only people who really understand are those who have had difficulties with their own parents.

Many of my friends cannot comprehend not having a good and loving relationship with one or both parents. I find those with kids of their own most judgemental - I assume because it scares them that kids are capable of disliking/ judging/ cutting communication with their parents and it could happen to them!

I agree. When i had my first child i forgave my mum and said i wanted to start again. I understood the love for a child etc etc, but anger grew inside and i began to dislike her more for all the thing she did to us, wondering how she could do that to her children.

I was speaking to my dad today about my reasons for not speaking to my mum and he still gives me that look of "its still your mum", i told him i wasnt interested in speaking about it anymore and i had made my desition.

[absentmindedfan]

people assume that just because we have a blood tie to people we must be close to them. i don't really believe that's true. when a parent treats you badly as a child, damages you physically or psychologically...why should you then be made to feel guilty because you don't want a close relationship with them?

One of my oft-repeated quotes:
I share 98% of my DNA with Chimpanzees, but I'm not forced to spend Christmas with one of them, so why my family?

[QUOTE-heartsease] Hug,anyone?[/QUOTE]

*group hug*

[maya]

father who???

[kasitera]

Me and my dad don't really get on. I do respect him because he does work long hours 6 days a week to pay the bills and support the family. My childhood has been idealist compared to a lot of yours to be honest.

My dad does have anger problems, and once *nearly* punched me but my brother was there so calmed him down. I guess stuff like that has made me stay emotionally detatched from him. I think we used to have a good relationship, until I got my first boyfriend when I was 14 (the guy was 3 years older than me), we were together for 2 years.. and all of my time and energy were focused on the boyfriend. So maybe that's when things between me and my dad went wrong.

[Ginger]

My dad left when I was 2 and popped round occaisionally till I was about 7.
Haven't seen him since.

[yum]

Maya said it before but...
'father who?'