i've just read through this whole thread again because i could really do with learning how to accept myself, but i just don't see how it could ever happen.
i've just read through this whole thread again because i could really do with learning how to accept myself, but i just don't see how it could ever happen.
'The word gorilla was derived from the Greek word Gorillai (a "tribe of hairy women")'
I should point out that I'm not speaking to anyone specifically, but this is something I've been thinking of that fits in with what Gorilla has said.
I found that for myself it was a case of realising that I am valid as a seperate entity, and that my body and what it can offer me in terms of enjoyment is seperate and distinct from any interaction with another person.
Sex and relationships are both wonderful things but after going through a period of pain after leaving a relationship I found that I had become emotionally addicted to being in a couple. It was a hard thing to realise and I felt pretty embarassed about it for a while. I was worried that I could only function when with someone and that my primary worth was making them happy. Suddenly finding myself being single made me realise that I should concentrate on my feelings too instead of them being a crutch to support my inadequacies.
These days I'm more focussed on what I get out of a relationship but this doesn't diminish what I can offer someone else. It primarily means I now have a respect for myself that was long overdue. It was a hard thing to come to terms with but I feel that this self belief is vital for me to keep hold of my sanity.
I now realise that I have the undiminishable right to be happy and that doesn't mean I'm less of a person for coming to that conclusion.
but where does that belief come from? i can't find it.
'The word gorilla was derived from the Greek word Gorillai (a "tribe of hairy women")'
I know this is going to sound simplistic but for me it was about accepting that I was wrong about myself. I thought I was worthless but in fact nobody is worthless. It's not easy and a fair amount of brute force is needed. The trigger for me was I was fed up of being unhappy and couldn't justify why I deserved to be so miserable all the time. I've spent many hours meditating on this over the last few years and it's an ongoing thing.
It's worth noting that it isn't a cure all thing by any means. It's a fooundation that you build the rest of your life on. I still have tough days but it's easier overall now.
i suppose i have a self-destructive side that doesn't want to get better. it's a daily struggle being torn between being fed up with being unhappy, yet believing i'm destined to stay this way forever, and that i deserve to.
whatever it is that makes me this way, it's very powerful. sometimes i can push it down a bit and get on with my life to a certain degree, but it never goes away. the slightest thing can plunge me back down into the depths. i don't know how i can win against a part of me that is convinced i have no right to feel any better.
'The word gorilla was derived from the Greek word Gorillai (a "tribe of hairy women")'
I found the first stage was admitting I went through this same cycle.
It is hard to come to the realisation that we all have worth and it's certainly not a fast process.
I found a series of logical challenges helped me. Each worry I had about myself I could find something however small to suggest my fears were unfounded. This was wierd at first, but I was much happier than when I was looking for reasons those fears were right.
I think I did it as a defense mechanism because I felt I couldn't get any lower but in the end it seemed like I was keeping myself back. I'm not always happy but now at least I'm content most of the time. It's an incremental journey.
logic doesn't work for me. you could come up with a million examples to prove me wrong, and yet i'd still try and deny it all.
i annoy myself so much, part of me is desperate to get better, and the other part of me won't allow it. i need friends, but as soon as anyone tries to help, i push them away. it's a vicious circle.
'The word gorilla was derived from the Greek word Gorillai (a "tribe of hairy women")'
I have trouble accepting myself physically, and the reasons are complex.
*Commence Rant*
Firstly, for the last few years of high school (aged 15 and one half!) I was treated for cancer. I gained 12kg rapidly and swelled up due to 'roids. I started developing what I now realise were unrealistic expectations of my appearance after treatment. I assumed my body would return to its former skinny self, and remain that way ever more. I needed to think that, in a way...
In actual fact, my bone structure changed during my treatment, under all the swelling. I din't factor in my gentic predisposition to gain a bit of booty in my late teens/early 20's ('Filipina-isation, or the 'Kapow! Factor'!)
I'm now a stable 'healthy' weight with a naturally rounded bot-bot (My high school friends used to tease me about my lack of an a***!)
Getting to my actual pooooint...
I still somehow expect that I should be 54kg, boyish in frame, devoid of anything approaching curves! My boyfriend tells me he likes the curve in my belly and curvy (non-stick-like) thighs, but I'm just convinced that he doesn't want to sound hypocritical (he is - technically - borderline obese).
I also tell myself that he isn't as oblivious/accepting of the extensive, 'roid-related stretchmarks (that pretty much cover me navel to knee) as he tells me he is.
A history of mental illness doesn't help proceedings, but that's another winding, largely unnecessary rant!
First of all, I am so sorry that you had to go through cancer, and all those horrible treatments at such an early age.
I just picked out this bit of your post because it jumped out at me.
You say that your boyfriend is borderline obese, but you're attracted to him and I assume you like his body, right? So why is it hard to believe that he likes your cute curves?
Can't live my life with no rhythm or rhyme
Hi buttons. I'm sorry to hear that you were ill and I hope your health is now improving
How do you actually feel about the way you look? Do you like your new curvy shape?
Some reading for everyone wandering past this thread.
The Fantasy Of Being Thin and Ideas on How To Love Yourself
There's a lot of body-positive blogs and communities online, many linked to that evil ideology (that surely will do none of us good!) Feminism. The emphasis is on health and happiness whatever your size
It honestly isn't how I feel about things all the time, just sometimes these things creep into my brain. Often I see my curves as a point of cultural pride - my sister and my Anglo and Filo relatives all have naturally flattish bot-bots, so i figure mine must be a genetic throwback to my Spaniard forbears (hee hee!).
When I am getting down on my self emotionally, or having an "episode of special problems" these particular negative things join in, on top of everything else. Tey are also accompanied by addidional survivo= filipino Catholic guilt about thinking them!
Because he hates that facet of himself, and does tend to suppress things. In fact, he did go through a phase where he regularly wished I was thinner (in part because he thought more men would envy him).
He only told me about it after he "stopped being an a***hole and saw what was in front of [him]", and felt really guilty about it - I just figured it was a sign that we were a wee bit too "comfortable," and that the lad mags he read in his teens kinda skewed a tiny incy-wincy part of his brain a little.
Again, I apologise re. the length and detail of my original post. I'm ineloquent, and a lot of the nitty-gritty I outlined probably could have been left out!
Yup. He and his then flatmate (coincidentally, my sister's BF - long story) had amassed a pile of them from their younger years, and put them in the lavatory. Made for some interesting reading!
He prefers (video) gamer magazine nowadays!
i just saw this thread and read your original post, AMF...what a beautiful post!! thank you for starting this thread.
You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
~John Wooden
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