About to take on intense athletic hobby and I'm already hurting

**LittleSeaWolf** · Apr 11th, 2010, 07:31 PM

Ok so before I ask for suggestions, let me inform you of my 4 year struggle...
For 4 years I had suffered from eating disorder, still am if you consider the fact that I'm still haunted by the feeling of being "full". Since then I have made dramatic improvements in my lifestyle- which includes quiting mmorpgs, no drinking, no smoking, and ditching my negative fair-weather friends who triggered me. Now as a next step im trying to get involved in the activities that made me REALLY happy in the past. Right now that is Ice Hockey. I'm very competitive with myself- i want to be a jackrabbit on the ice. Here's the problem... im still very much underwieght (90-95lbs give or take). I scared to death of gaining weight really fast and turning into a version of the hulk... popping seams of my clothes. I know Im going to gain alot of muscle- especially on my legs and thighs... thats fine. I don't want it to happen too fast though, it will trigger me I think.

So I've been talking lengthy walks, and overall trying to get in shape so I have some stamina before evaluations in 2 weeks. Walking is wussy considering what they're going to expect of me.... and I i feel really achy in my knees, hips and balls of my feet. I don't know how to solve this. I know I should eat more protein .... but it's hard to do that when you aren't used to eating large plates of rice and pastas.

I guess I need advice- I don't know what I can do about this....

-scared and excited

Oh - this may be tmi, but as a result of my past body-abuse, I have a really hard time 'dropping kids off at school' ... which means a can of beans or lentils can be rather painful in the mornings. I usually have to make it into a soup thats really mushy... and it takes a long time. I've been downing almond milk lately, and getting potato leek soup...but It doesnt seem to help with the above pains.

**fiamma** · Apr 12th, 2010, 12:59 AM

Hi LittleSeaWolf

I'm actually in a similar position to you, having suffered from anorexia 2 years ago. And my metabolism still isn't what it was before I was ill - it really is very frustrating, so I know where you're coming from.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but my fear is that you're taking on more than you and your body can handle - both physically and emotionally - and setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment in the process.

I've just come back from a week's snowboarding, where I was taking lessons as a beginner. I was very torn before going, because my energy levels were rock bottom... and still are. I enjoyed the week to an extent, because I met lots of wonderful people, and got to try a new sport which I very much hope to pursue further in the future. But my lack of energy frustrated me so much that it hampered my progress, and had me in tears on a couple of occasions.

I really think you need to see a diet and fitness professional, who can help you work out a long term programme to get you back to health, as - in my own humble experience at least - it doesn't happen overnight... it may take months or even years.

I hope I didn't rain on your parade, and wish you all the very best with your fitness goals. xx

**ellaminnowpea** · Apr 12th, 2010, 02:00 AM

Another fellow ED friend here. I have had an ED for a long time... but have worked on recovery "on and off" for 2- 2 1/2 years. I can understand the fear. That's the part that keeps me disordered. I have had the worst time with all of it.

But it sounds like you are doing well and finding activities and people to help yourself continue to get better.

BUT... I completely agree with Fiamma. I think this could ultimately be too much to handle. I wouldn't want you to make this goal some monument of recovery. Because recovery is always up and down, scary and great, etc at the same time.

Fitness goals are hard. I feel like I'm always told different things from different people. Do you? But considering that you're still underweight, you haven't been able to listen to your body (neither do I!), so you could use some help with setting health/ finess goals from a healthy and sound perspective. Dieticians that specialize in EDs are great.

Good luck! LittleSeaWolf

**ellaminnowpea** · Apr 12th, 2010, 02:07 AM

Fiamma, sorry to hear about your low energy levels, though. Have you been seeing a dietician and getting blood tests? I get the blood tests regularly and have yet to have normal red blood cell or white blood cell counts.

I also wonder about B12 levels. I can't imagine how low my B12 was then, but even now, I'm waiting on blood test results.

Snowboarding rocks, though!! I wish I could still board, it's soooooo much fun!

**Essy Strudel** · Apr 12th, 2010, 11:46 AM

I found psychologically overcoming an ED to be the hardest thing. Obviously there are all differnet types of ED's and reasons for them. For me it was the paranoia of being considered fat. Even once I reached me goal weight, it wasn't good enough, as by then I needed to look unmistakably skinny/underweight to everyone.
I have eaten healthily for five years now, and been within healthy weight range for four years. But I still live with the psychological paranoia of someone with an ED. Someone offers me food, and I think 'They are trying to make me put on weight.' Someone says I look good, and I think 'They are lying, they just feel sorry for me.' Someone says I look thin, and I think 'They are lying, they are just jealous.' If I feel slightly rejected in someway or as if someone doesn't like me, I can't help but think 'It's because I look fat and disgusting.' And when I first started to make an effort to get my health back on track, I felt extreme guilt about trying to get over my ED as it was one of the only things I felt I had ever done properly and I really had control over.
In saying all this, once I made an effort to become physically active, I felt so fit, healthy, and strong. And exercising really helped combat some of the inevitable guilt I felt about eating. I eventually didn't want to look skinny but healthy and attractive. I must say, I started first with walking, and built it up from there.

It's good you want to become fit and healthy, but don't push your body beyond its limits, disappointing yourself is a recipe for disaster. Good luck with everything, I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

As for your feet, knees, and hips aching, perhaps your shoes aren't supportive enough. You could also try stretching before and after you go for a walk.
As for food, you don't need to eat large serves, I usually only eat snack sized serves of food, but about 7 times a day. Try and make them high in protein and fibre, and it should help, and don't forget to drink plenty of water.

PS It's definitely worth it! Although I still get these negative thoughts, just thinking back on it, I realise they are no where near as extreme as they use to be. I remember eating a salad in my bedroom (as I didn't like to eat in front of people) and crying as I ate, then making myself sick, and crying because of that. It was a living hell. Today however, I ate a slice of chocolate cake in front of everyone, and when I got a little of the icing on my face and my sister jokingly called me a 'fatty' I smiled and took it for the joke it was.
I think I'm close to eventually being completely at peace with myself.

**ellaminnowpea** · Apr 12th, 2010, 03:42 PM

Essy Strudel

I have eaten healthily for five years now, and been within healthy weight range for four years.

Woo!! Awesome work, Essy!

Essy Strudel

For me it was the paranoia of being considered fat. Even once I reached me goal weight, it wasn't good enough.

And when I first started to make an effort to get my health back on track, I felt extreme guilt about trying to get over my ED as it was one of the only things I felt I had ever done properly and I really had control over.

I feel the same! It's beyond frustrating. I just wonder when this will end for me. I've felt this way for a long time, 12 years of my 23 years.

**Essy Strudel** · Apr 12th, 2010, 04:44 PM

ellaminowpea - I'm sorry to hear you have suffered for so long, for me the actual eating disorder only lasted about two years 14 - 16 (I'm 21 now), but as I said the psychological side still haunts me sometimes, though it has got much better, and I hope to be completely over it eventually.
I think it's important to never give up or give into it completely. The hardest part is actually wanting to get better. Because an ED can become a crutch, having something you're in control of can be very satisfying and hard to give up, but the truth is the ED is usually controling your life.
I know it's something you have to work out for yourself though. There was nothing anyone could say or do at the time to convince me to stop, even when I knew what I was doing was wrong. It's almost like an addiction. I remember hating myself for making myself physically ill but still feeling imense pride at actually 'achieving' something. Not sure if any of you have heard; Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire), might sound ridiculously lame but I remember listening to that song whilst I was in the 'inner turmoil' stage...completely understanding it...and feeling so trapped...a part of me still needed my ED...and another part of me needed to be rid of it so badly. In the end, I couldn't take the inner turmoil anymore. Something clicked, and I just said "Enough is enough!" Doesn't mean it was easy though. For a whole year I felt as if I was betraying myself and my hard work. But in the end, how much better I felt physically and mentally in general, proved to me I was doing the right thing. And if I was being honest with myself, I knew I looked better too.