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Thread: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

  1. #1
    Leesersue
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    Default Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    Hello! I'm a new vegetarian who eats about 95% vegan, and who will probably be there in a few months (not willing to give my my Morningstar Farms with it's stupid last ingredient of milk powder just yet, heh heh). My question is about having guests who aren't vegan over for dinner, specifically with their kids. In general, we will be picking and choosing who we can have over, obviously people with open minds about not having to have their meat and potatoes but there's one couple who have a couple kids and we (I'm) aren't sure what to do. When we went over to their house, the mom made dinner for the grownups and popped a couple pizzas in the oven for them. We could do the same thing but I'm not sure about making them vegan or not. Kids can be notoriously picky about anything new and I'd feel deceitful if I either made them one from scratch (or went the easy route and did something commercial) but didn't tell them it wasn't really cheese and pepperoni...I don't want to trick them.

    Part of me feels like, vegan food is amazing and I want to share that. It's also an amazing opportunity to have these kids see how good food can be, open their horizons. But I'm not their mom, it's not my place to do that and if making them eat or alternatively not eat what we are serving means the evening is cut short or ruined, I'm not sure anyone benefits.
    Thoughts?

    Elyse

  2. #2
    baffled harpy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner...what's the etiquette?

    My friends' children are mostly grownup now but I think I did manage to get some quite young ones to eat my food. For one thing, despite what the parents say they will sometimes eat things when they're out that they won't at home, especially if it looks appealing (e.g. the pizzas with faces).

    There's no need to draw attention to the fact that it's vegan, that I can see. It's not deceit, since if they ask what it is you'll tell them. OTOH I don't think fake cheese etc is necessarily the best thing to give non-vegans as they can often taste the difference. You can make pizza without cheese.

    Also some of my friends' children liked to eat strange stuff like rice or pasta with nothing on it that was vegan anyway

    I think some of the parents used to bring non-vegan stuff for the really picky ones and I probably wouldn't object to that - after all they'd be eating it wherever they were. But exactly where you draw the line is up to you.

  3. #3
    Ex-admin Korn's Avatar
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    Default étiquette vs l'éthique

    Quote Leesersue View Post
    Kids can be notoriously picky
    Hi,

    They are also notoriously interested - and forgiving - when it comes to anything which reminds of pasta or pizza. Or anything which is... red. My son often have friends eating here, and it's not a problem for them to eat what they get. They generally seem to like it a lot, and IMO it's good that I've added a childhood memory about tasty vegan food into their minds. They will, unlike many current vegans, have grown up with being vegan as something they've heard about ever since they were kids, and for some people this will make it easier to go vegan later in life.

    You're not these kids' mom, but you still have the freedom to say that 'This is what I serve here. Enjoy!' It won't be a problem. On the contrary, it will be great for these kids to get used to, at an early age, that there are opposing views out there re. food and how we look at animals in general.

    And: if it would have become a problem because all they get at home is filled with animal products, the best way to deal with that IMO is to be that someone who shows them something else for the first time. They won't get used to something new, ever, without trying it.

    If you would serve animal products to others kids, and ever become a mom, it would probably be difficult for your family and friends to understand that you don't won't them to give your children meat, cheese etc. while visiting them... It could even be hard having someone understand that you want food without animal ingredients when visiting others - if you somehow declare 'visiting others' as an 'ethical free zone'.
    I will not eat anything that walks, swims, flies, runs, skips, hops or crawls.

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    Default Re: étiquette vs l'éthique

    Ugh, I hate it when parents cook separate things for their kids - my babies just get the same stuff we're having but with a bit less spice or mushed up where needed.
    I would just make them some pasta with tomato sauce - it's vegan but not 'weird'. If you want to point out that it's vegan then fine, but it's a fairly typical kiddie meal anyway if you don't feel like bringing the subject up.

  5. #5
    Leesersue
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    Default Re: étiquette vs l'éthique

    Quote Korn View Post
    ...

    If you would serve animal products to others kids, and ever become a mom, it would probably be difficult for your family and friends to understand that you don't won't them to give your children meat, cheese etc. while visiting them... It could even be hard having someone understand that you want food without animal ingredients when visiting others - if you somehow declare 'visiting others' as a somehow 'ethical free zone'.
    I hadn't thought of it that way because we do have a 23 month old who is being raised vegan. I doubt she'd notice now but in the future she would and I'm not sure how we'd explain the hypocrisy. Thanks for the perspective.
    Eh, I'll probably talk with the mom and aks if her kids will mind eating differently for a night. She may opt to bring them something else for them or get a babysitter!

  6. #6
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    Other moms are in on the conspiracy with me to serve healthy foods to their kids. They look on in quiet awe at kids munching tofu or soy-nuggets or even, ta ta ta tum... vegetables pureed into the spaghetti sauce!
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  7. #7
    Ex-admin Korn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    Hi again,

    I'd like to add that the approach Finnalex describes actually works very well. If what they get somehow reminds of things they already have eaten, they won't worry about if meat/dairy is missing, and probably not even notice, so by not asking anyone whether it's OK that what you serve them is free from animal products, the already practically non-existing chance that someone will be disappointed by that will be reduced even more.

    I've never asked anyone if it's OK that the meals I serve are vegan... But I am, 2-3 times a year, invited to cook (vegan, of course) for others' celebrations - by non-vegans who have had vegan meals at my place with no apologies attached.

    Remember that what you're offering them is something you/we consider a better solution than what they otherwise would have gotten - there's no need to excuse anything!
    I will not eat anything that walks, swims, flies, runs, skips, hops or crawls.

  8. #8
    CATWOMAN sandra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    I used to child-mind a neighbours two young children and they would eat what we were eating. Then they started asking their mum for the food that 'Sandra has' as they loved it so much. I've always found most children are very adaptable where food is concerned.

    Everyone else has given excellent advice so I have nothing really to add. I'm sure everything will be fine when you have friends and their children over to eat your lovely vegan food.
    I like Sandra, she keeps making me giggle. Daft little lady - Frosty

  9. #9
    onashoestring
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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    Harpy made a good point about making the food look fun, like using smiley faces. If you decide on a dish for the adults that you don't think the kids would like, you could make individual pizzas for the kids, without any cheese. You can call them "laughing pizzas" because the pizzas are red in the face (tomato sauce only, no cheese). You can set up a bunch of different cut-up veggies so the kids can decorate their own pizzas however they want (which will occupy them, make it fun, and help them enjoy the veggies and forget about the cheese).

    With kids (or actually, anyone) I personally don't try to use vegan analogs for meat and dairy. While they have helped me stay vegan and serve as rare treats, they don't really pass with my family and friends. My most successful dishes were those that really celebrated the plant-based food and didn't try to take the place of a non-vegan dish. Great ideas are pastas (you could make a pasta primavera with tomato sauce and lots of veggies, or you could toss the pasta with cooked broccoli, garlic, olive oil. Aim for filling veggies and grains, so that your guests are really satisfied. Try beans (white beans cooked with leafy greens?), portobello mushrooms, etc.

    veganonashoestring.blogspot.com

  10. #10

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    Default Re: Having guests over for dinner... what's the etiquette?

    My meat eating father loves to make spaghetti, but he has always believed (even before I became a vegetarian) that meat in spaghetti sauce was something akin to heinous crime. SO if you make spaghetti or something that is already commonly vegan (stir-fry, fruit salad, PB&J if it's just kids, spring rolls) or easy to disguise (sushi, sloppy joes, any kind of small appetizer) and the topic may never eve come up.

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