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Thread: The Older Siblings

  1. #1
    snivelingchild's Avatar
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    Default The Older Siblings

    This is sort of an odd topic, but I've been thinking about it so much today, I had to write a thread on it.

    Both my boyfriend, Colin, and I have 1 older sibling (I have 6, but only 1 from both of my parents) and we both find ourselves frustrated with how their lives are going. They are seen by the parents as the "disappointing ones", you know what I mean. The "why can't they be more like you"s, though they try hard not to admit it. Though I don't like the fact that they are scrutinized because their lives aren't going how everyone else planned, we still worry about them because they are no where near as happy as they could be.

    My brother is very, very unmotivated. He used to be very energetic and skinny and friendly (except for some off, mental periods mixed with bad anti-depressants). He never really had any friends and did poorly in school. He went to a state college and got a four-year degree in six years. He thought about graduate school after that, but never really went anywhere with that. Now he works at my dad's company part time for a "temorary" job. He's been working there for two years. He rarely goes to work. This past week, he went in two days, late. His boss told my dad that he wants to give him a full-time job, with insurance and paid vacation and all sorts of great benefits, though I don't know why. My dad told my brother this, and after a few minutes of silence, he said "eh."

    Through all this time he ate horribly, gained tons of weight and I am so worried about his health. He sleeps ALL day, and does nothing but watch japanese kids shows like Power Rangers and Digimon. He eats nothing but frozen stuff like bad eggrolls, and my mom's cooking, always skipping the salads. I tell my mom she should stop buying all the junk food, and she says when she does, he buys it himself. He is getting very obese. In high school, he had a 28 inch waist. I don't know how much he weighs now, but I can guess around 250-300 pounds. This added with the facts that he gets no physical activity and eats horribly, he's going to have some serious health problems by the time he's 30, and I am so scared for him.

    My father gets so mad at him. He's suggested (as I have) that maybe they should force him to move out so he will be forced to do more, but my mom hates that idea, since she knows he has no way of supporting himself. I would also be scared that if they did something drastic, he might dive into a bad depression, and perhaps do something horrible. He is also one of the most intelligent people I know. My IQ is 147, and I don't know how high his is, but it's at least a few points greater than mine. He was always into engineering, and had the greatest mind suited for complicated physics. His potential is so amazing, but he doesn't realize it.

    Though I had a horrible childhood with him (horrible fights and beatings due to mental instability and dangerous combinations of medications), we get along now and I love him so much, but feel completely helpless.

    Colin's sister is 23 and live with her boyfriend in a small house behind his mother's house. Neither of them are employed, so they are always low on money. They have alot of friends, and used to do alot of drugs with them. I don't know if they do so much anymore, but getting drunk is still a very common activity, and she has turned into a chain smoker, with hand rolled no-filter cigarettes. Ever since she moved out after high-school, she's had a sh*tload of health problems; spasms from medication and booze, bladder infections, chest colds, she's getting sick all the time. She's a really smart girl. Like everyone in her family, she has a high IQ, and used to read all the time. Now she hangs out with high-school dropout who, she admits, can't hold an intelligent conversation. Every time we visit her, you can hear in her voice how she craves intellectual stimulation. She loves it when her brother visits, and hates the constant dull of her environment.

    Though she has such a great mind, she doesn't seem to have any motivation to do anything. Her philosophy is that life is short, so you should live it with as much joy and meaning as possible. Her meaning of those things, though, doesn't include building towards anything, just being in the moment with no planning. They have no consideration for the future, and seem quite content to live off of his mother forever. She's not even in a good state. She doesn't have alot of money, and they live in a pretty crummy area. She's diabetic and with tons of health problems, and I don't think she has a job right now. I can see why her boyfriend doesn't want to move away, because he wants to stay close to support his mother, but they aren't doing anything to help her.

    She hasn't had a job in years, and doesn't try to get one. Her parents bought her an awesome old pickup truck that she loved so she could get a job. She let her unliscenced boyfriend drive it, when they specifically said he couldn't drive it (she was on their insurance), and he drove it and side-swiped a city bus. That truck is now sitting in our driveway. Her dad even has an old Honda that he's told her he would give her if he could trust she wouldn't let her boyfriend drive it and she would try to get a job. She didn't seem very interested in that deal.

    Her dad's brought up the idea of her moving in here with us. I think that would be great, and think that ANY change in environment could really help her reevaluate her life, but special accomodations would have to be made for her boyfriend and their dogs, plus she doesn't want to live in a place she can't to whatever she wants and smoke inside, etc. Colin really loves his sister, and knows how amazing she is, but has no idea of how to make her see it.

    I like her boyfriend, and think he's really good to her, but I think the chances of her going in any different direction are slim as long as she's with her. He's very content to never challenge himself or go for what he wants. She has very low self-esteem, and tends to go with whatever is around her. I think this keeps her from thinking wanting more than she has is okay. She does stay busy with little projects from time to time, like making little windchimes or something, but mostly she's absolved in her little subworld of whatever is going on in her friends' lives.


    Anyway, both of these people are going through similar things, and we just feel so sad for them, because they always seem to be in this permanent glaze that never lets them get too happy. What do you do when people you love seem to be throwing their lives away because they don't view themselves as important enough to deserve something good? What do you do when they are seemingly contented with a below-par life, when you know in the past this is not what they wanted, and theye xpressed ideals much higher than what they are living. It just reminds me of people in abusive relationships, except the people holding them down is themselves.

  2. #2
    Seaside
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    This probably isn't what you want to hear, but you have to bear with it and be there to support them if they need it. I would be very worried in your brother's case that any drastic action might have a drastic consequence. Their lives may not be what you would want for yourself, but they would probably resent any unasked for input, regardless of how well meaning it is.

    I recognize the same pattern in my own family. My grampa's oldest brother was very intelligent, and was interested in chemistry, but ended up as a hermit, living in a converted chicken shack on the back of my grampa's property in Petaluma (the former egg basket of the world ). He was not unhappy! I am kinda the same way. I do have a BA in Geology, but choose to run my pet sitting business. My dad is disappointed, and so is my youngest brother (I am the oldest child in my family) but they are supportive of my choice. When my parents divorced, I began to behave very much like your brother, and my family had to basically sit around and watch. There really was nothing they could have done- it was my struggle alone, and I got over it. All you can really do is be patient, and continue to give them your unconditional love. Be present in your brother's life, especially, and try to show him support without seeming to criticize. It sounds very much to me that he is already clinically depressed, and has been so for a while, so you might find some information from a clinic about how to help him, or maybe get him to a doctor for treatment.

  3. #3
    tails4wagging
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    Sniv, I think you need to back off, its their problems not yours. They are adults and whatever you try to do for them, it is their lives. Dont let them drag you down into their problems.

    I think it is a bad idea having your sister stay you will get embroiled into her problems and then her problems become yours!!!.

    You know what they say 'You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends''. Your parents have been too supportive to your siblings which is understandable, but it is them that need to be firm with them.

    I think you should concentrate your support to your parents, its them that need it. Tell them they should try to get their son out into a place of his own and that you are there to support them.

    family problems are very common. My only brother has married a neurotic woman who dominates their marriage. he hadnt seen his mum for two years prior to her having cancer, then just before she died I had to beg him to visit her in Hospital, he did with just days to spare. I have not seen him for nine years since then!!!!.

    I am lucky I have many close friends and a couple of cousins.

  4. #4
    I eve's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    How right you are, Tails.
    Eve

  5. #5
    tails4wagging
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    With age comes wisdom, doesnt it Eve???

  6. #6
    snivelingchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    Quote Seaside
    It sounds very much to me that he is already clinically depressed, and has been so for a while, so you might find some information from a clinic about how to help him, or maybe get him to a doctor for treatment.
    He's not interested in doing anything, including that. I think he might be sick of all that stuff he went through in high school, like me, with all the different doctors who do nothing but push pharmaceuticals at you (that make you feel worse) instead of helping you to find a healthy way to deal with it. I don't think he'd be very interested in therapy either. He's just not the type of person who could to that.

    I understand when you guys say back off, but there's nothing for me to try to do anyway, so I never say anything and just worry about them. I can't stop worrying. You can't stop hoping that someone you love will feel better.

    I worry about Colin's sister, too, because even though she doesn't show that much sadness in her current state, she's setting up nothing for the future and I am afraid that with her boyfriend's mother's declining health, they will all be in horrible situations if they don't do something. I just keep thinking, "What if something we could do now would inspire her to start something in her life and get things in order, so that when she can't rely of other people completely anymore, she won't be completely lost" you know?

    *sigh* I just can't ignore them. No man is an island, right?

  7. #7
    Seaside
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    Posted by snivelingchild:
    He's not interested in doing anything, including that. I think he might be sick of all that stuff he went through in high school, like me, with all the different doctors who do nothing but push pharmaceuticals at you (that make you feel worse) instead of helping you to find a healthy way to deal with it. I don't think he'd be very interested in therapy either. He's just not the type of person who could to that.
    I had a feeling that would be the case. I wasn't willing to seek medical or psychological assistance when I was depressed, either, because I really wasn't sure it would work, and I don't like drugs, legal or illegal. I have always been more interested in holistic approaches to health, and educating yourself about your brother's situation might make you feel better, if not him.

    Your boyfriend's sister sounds kinda like one of those free spirits who lives for the moment and trusts that nothing really bad will ever happen, so they don't see the point in planning for the future. It may not seem acceptable to someone who is more concerned with being prepared for what life may sling at them, but sometimes these sorts of people lead a charmed life, and nothing really bad ever does happen, or, at least, nothing that they can't handle.

  8. #8
    snivelingchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    Yeah, the thing is, I used to really respect her for choosing to live that way despite being critisised by her parents for not going to college, since it just wasn't for her, but that was when she rented her own place, had a steady job, and was actively doing things for herself, healthy things for herself. She did to alot of drugs, which is what hurt her from doing all those good things, but when she was sober she still read and wrote poetry and enjoyed achieving her goals. Now I think she uses her "free life" as an exuse to not have to do anything, not even for herself. Now it is getting her into alot of bad situations. And I don't mean she's just not planning for the future, she's not even taking care of today. I would firmly stand behind her if I could see her living a fulfilling life, but I just don't see that. It is mostly, from what I can tell, the people she surrounds herself with, mostly alcoholics and people with some serious problems who are violent and whatnot. I don't know.

    What I do know is that she's not living the life she made this decision to have. She talked about living freely so that she could enjoy what's important in life without getting caught up in "the machine", while now she's atticted to big business tobacco and will have to go back to donated canned food if her boyfriend's mother can't feed them anymore. She doesn't seem to enjoy those simple pleasures, though. But maybe getting drunk and ignoring the world is that to her. I just know that there's more she craves. I can tell she wants something more important, because she's always talking like she's about to make the decision to do something more important, but she never does.

  9. #9

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    Default Re: The Older Siblings

    I go through this with my own siblings (and half-sibling, but she has an "excuse", right?). No matter that you were brought up in the same house and have the same oppurtunities/intelligence/etc. you still turn out different. Strange, huh? But if one of your siblings were gay you would be okay with that, I assume. Same thing with success. I just think that there are genes (or WHATEVER) that sometimes dictate what happens to us. Some people are not "wired" to be successful. End of story. You can support them all you want (BELIEVE me I know about this) but they will NOT change. Those stories of change are one in a million (and they are the FEW). Maybe we should be happy that we are successful and just live with the fact that others are not, otherwise, what would success look like?

    However, it is only natural to want those we love to be the successful ones. But then if all we saw around us was success, why would we really want to help those less fortunate? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we are so altruistic, but really it's because we personalize so much.

    So, after a long-winded discourse, what I am trying to say is that you cannot do anything today that will make a difference, nor could you have done anything 10 years ago. Of course, that is only one opinion. I still DO know what you go through, however.

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