I feel all this too..my body image is like a little Gremlin nagging at me night and day invading everything I want to be and want to feel. I think about it constantly , as I dress in the morning , as I interact at work , as my partner cuddles me and tells me I am beautiful my Gremlin is there pointing and staring telling reminding me that I am overweight.
Cupids story reminded me of a mirror story that he already knows because I have told him many times to illustrate how this feels...
When I was single and before I met the wonderful man that is Cupid ..
I used to go out clubbing and dancing with my friends. I am a very extrovert person and the life and soul of the party I even get up first on the dance floor with my skinny mate! BUT only as long as I cant see myself reflected in the glass. While I am dancing I am REAL me, me who isnt trapped in this lumpy frame but the minute I catch sight of myself it all turns to sand. It used to be so bad that I would not go the toilets to pee or check my make up like all the others because of the full length mirror in the doorway, once I had seen myself I was done for and did not feel able to get up and dance again.
I can get ready , go out feeling great and all it takes is one skinny woman or one mirror and I feel wretched.
I know that it may seem ridiculous to most but I know that you will understand and take comfort that many of us feel this way.
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I was offered bereavment counselling some years back after the death of my father and amongst all the stuff being discussed I mentioned how I felt about my weight and my concerns that I had a disorder she looked irritated, and brushed it off telling me I had issues with my mother or penis envy or something !!! which did not real inspire me to pursue that line again.
I have self analysed and got to the point where I have realised that I hide behind my weight ..but I have yet to unravel this !!! and work out why and who from.
At present I am in a weird position where I do eat less, considerably so, and am not really in 'fat girl' mode but have a medical condition which is bloating me up and sabotaging my attempts to get my weight under control which is yet another frustration as it kind of gives me a reason to give up and not bother dieting!!!
Interestingly I am under medical advice to have a Hysterectomy and just started to scan Robins post..which I will read with interest later but for now I am off to work!!!
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