Adoption

[tipsy]

hey everyone,

i have been thinking more and more about adopting children once i gain all the worldly experiences i need for such an endeavor...

i kind of think about children as i do pets..... there are whole bunch of them out there that need homes.... why should i produce one myself..?

also: the whole thing grosses me out... yeah i know its natural, yes, ive seen it happen (i used to work in labor and delivery in a hospital), yes, i have been in love with someone before (yet i felt no desire to have his children).... all the common questions i get asked when admitting this.....

all this and... adoption seems like a superb option to me. (hey, i rhyme)

has anyone here adopted?

what do you think of my quirky feelings towards child-carrying?

am i alone in the supreme-lack-of-need-to-be-impregnated?

[Yoggy]

You are definitely not alone in the "supreme-lack-of-need-to-be-impregnated" At the moment, I don't feel the desire to have children, but that may change someday. I'm only 23, so I've got time

About adoption: I'm not speaking from experience, but I do know that it is HARD. There's all the background checks, the waiting lists, the references, and the inspections, that it can often take years. And I'm not sure about in the US, but here in Canada (or at least Ontario, where I'm originally from) the biological mother has the right to change her mind for up to a month after giving up the child.

When I was in high school, my music teacher and his wife finally succeeded in adopting a child, only to have the birth mother take her back after 4 days! It was heartbreaking. My teacher took time off work because he was so upset. All that trouble and hope, to finally have a child, and for nothing. Eventually, they got a baby boy, David, and they still have him today. So they eventually got their wish, but it took quite a struggle to get there.

I hope I'm not sounding discouraging . If you're committed to the process, and have what it takes to endure all the trouble and possible heartbreak, then definitely try your best to adopt a child who needs a home. I would like to consider adoption myself one day, but I fear that my boyfriend and I aren't a "perfect" enough couple to qualify. My boyfriend has a speech impairment (he has just 1 vocal cord), making him speak very quietly and unable to shout. I'm worried that adoption agencies might have a problem with that, i.e. my boyfriend not being able to yell for help if our child is in trouble, etc. However I've never actually looked into their policies regarding that, so we may be okay after all....

Good luck to you in your choices! I wish there were more people who prefered adoption, but mostly it seems like only involuntarily childless couples are pursuing this avenue.

[tails4wagging]

I've never wanted children yet worked as a paediatric nurse for 23 yrs!!.

Have you considered doing your training as a paediatric nurse??. That way you can nurture/nurse children every day without a commitment. You could, once trained, go abroad, and help the third world countries care for their children, which is very worthwhile.

[tipsy]

tails, i havent the slightest interest in becoming a nurse!

i am a surgical technologist... i worked in a children's hospital for a while, but it pained me to see all those really sick or congenitally deformed children!

im thinking about going to physicians assitant school soon! but i want to do plastic surgery, thats my area of specialty!

im not saying all this stuff about adoption because i want to be around or even to have children right now.... i just think that it is a very noble and worthwhile thing to adopt.

[LittleNellColumbia]

I have the exact same attitude......ive been dreaming about adopting a poor child from a third-world country since i was 12! ( im only 15 but mah)

I believe that, if there are already so many starving children out there who are in desperate need of homes and care, why should i just add to the growing popultion and then further increase lack of food for anouther country?

I too think it is a very great thing to adopt and i can't wait!!! Also i like the idea of "earning" motherhood ya know? like, the child doesnt have to call me mum unless he/she believes i am a truely good mother! It's complicated to explain.....but it mkes sense in my mind!

[Mystic]

I am extremely maternal - I want to carry my own child, but I want to adopt as well. I think it is important to address the world's issues - there are so many poor orphans out there that I feel it would be selfish of me not to take one in to love and nurture. I love children and it pains me to know that there are so many living without love in poverty

[eve]

Yes I adopted a baby girl, Rachel - she is now 38 yrs old. Actually I wasn't allowed to adopt her legally as I was a single woman (divorced). Rachel and I are very close indeed, she is caring, and doesn't show any symptoms of having been abandoned by her birth mother. Not being a legal adoption, there was none of that red tape for me.

[Roxy]

My boyfriend and I have discussed this topic quite a few times lately. We haven't reached any definate conclusion yet but are leaning this way.......if we ever do decide to have a child.......we would like to try and adopt. This is because we feel that there are already enough mouths to feed in this world, without having to create another one of our own.

My boyfriend was adopted, so he would also, somehow like to "pay it forward" and give a needy child a home.

Actually, he and his birth mother found each other about 10 years ago. She lives on the other side of the country and although they have met in person a few times, they continue to keep in contact via the phone and send cards/pressies on special occaisions. He has also met his half-brothers and sisters, but remains close with only one of those. He does not know who is biological father is and his biological mother won't discuss that with him.

However, he is 51, so if adoption of a human is not possible for us, we will adopt animals who are in need of a home.

[tipsy]

im glad to hear that other people feel the same way i do about adoption..

i get allot of wierd looks when i talk about it...

well i get allot of wierd looks in general....

[thecatspajamas1]

I have read that it is harder for a vegan to adopt a child (because people are ignorant and think that the children won't get enough nutrients!). Here's an article: http://www.vegfamily.com/marriage-fa...umas-story.htm

[DianeVegan]

That is a sad story.

[abrennan]

I know people who have adopted children, I am so proud of them. they are all well adjusted and their respective kids are thriving. It was a real hard thing for them to get organised and wsa vefry intrusive, but I would prefer that than just anyone being able to adopt. By just anyone I don't mean Vegans, single people and gay people I mean those types who aren't stable enough in themselves to be trusted with a child. But then again I always thought than everyone should be sterilised until they can show they would be able to look after a child properly.

[tipsy]

thats a horribly sad story...

ive read up on adoption, and they do some investigating into your eating and nutritional habits, but i was hoping that they would realize how healthy a vegan diet is.

the general public can be so misguided...

[Yogini]

I think adoption is beautiful and you should definitely consider it. I really believe I can do without children for many reasons and since I'm 30 and still feel this way, thing's probably aren't going to change. But if I did want kids, I'd definitely adopt.

This may sound like a terrible thing to say, but in places like China and Eastern Europe, they're giving away kids to anyone who'll take them. So if you can afford international travel, definitely look into that. Also please consider an older child in place of a baby - I've heard that even in the U.S. it can be pretty easy to get a kid over 7.

I honestly don't understand people who are willing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars on fertility and in vitro treatment to get pregnant when it's way easier to spend that money and do an international adoption. Yes, for most people it's a natural instinct to want to reproduce, but many some people are infertile for a reason - to take care of the unwanted kids left behind by the overlyfertile. If you think you'll only love a child if it's biologically yours, you need to reconsider your reasons for wanting kids. Sorry if I'm insulting anyone who did this, but I feel really strongly about this issue. It's comparable to buying a special two thousand dollar "pet" from some unethical breeder when there are millions of unwanted kitties and doggies.

Love,
Anna

[mophoto]

my dad's cousins adopted a russian baby- in the end it cost about $40,000. he's worth every penny.

my cousin on the other side of the family adopted 2 boys- seperately. they went through some christian adoption agency, where the birth parents could choose the parents. my cousin and her husband were chosen because they were the least religious. the parents (who were kids, themselves) had very strong christian upbringings and didn't want that for their baby.

i have always wanted to adopt a 4 year old. strange age but young enough not to be too screwed up by their parents and the system and old enough not to be wanted by many people looking to adopt.

good luck jj. i don't know about wis.- but mich. is in the process of changing their regulations for adoption. allowing both partners to adopt a child. it's sick that they allow a single person to adopt but not partners (hetero or homosexual). it causes health care problems and inhertance issues, as well as many others. hopefully that will soon change.

[jillian]

This may sound like a terrible thing to say, but in places like China and Eastern Europe, they're giving away kids to anyone who'll take them. So if you can afford international travel, definitely look into that. Also please consider an older child in place of a baby - I've heard that even in the U.S. it can be pretty easy to get a kid over 7.

This statement literally increased my heart rate. Perhaps if you live in a country where there aren't very many children available there might be reason to go elsewhere, but in the United States far too many non-white children (and white children who are significantly older or have special needs) rot in foster care. My brother and I were lucky. I was adopted in utero and my brother spent only a year in foster care (at one he couldn't even hold his head up because he had been "handled" that little). Fortunately, Asian adoptions weren't en vogue the way they are now. So, if you're considering adoption, maybe think locally. Look at children in foster care. I can appreciate that not everyone thinks they have it in them to adopt a six-year-old from foster care but there are many toddlers and babies that need homes, too.

[abrennan]

My friends

one of whom is chinese
recently adopted a litte chinese girl from China

it tooks months and months of interviews and visits and home visits and reference checking and other stuff

she's they cutest little think you ever saw

I think she's two

[catmogg]

Has anyone on the forum adopted a child? Or does anyone know the proceedure??

[PercysLion]

I haven't adopted a child, but my partner and I do plan to one day. In fact we had a long discussion about it over the weekend. I know this probably doesn't help you at all and I know nothing of adoption in the UK, but I felt sad seeing your lone post.

Good luck with it!

[harpy]

Have you looked at this site, catmogg:

http://www.baaf.org.uk/

There is a lot of information about UK adoption procedures on there. I used to get their newsletter because we were thinking about trying to adopt at one point but reading it made us realise we weren't really up to the job unfortunately - so that was useful in itself! Good luck, it's a great thing to do if you can.

[catmogg]

I'm not thinking of it right now but maybe in the future...

[Peas'nHominy]

I am fostering to adopt. So far, we have not had one turn adoption, but we're still hang'n in there. And in the meantime, we get to help kids that really need it for a while.

I was hoping we could adopt the little girl that is with us right now. The first court date came up last December for her bio-relatives, and it fell through for them. But there's a second-chance court date coming up in May (maybe June), and it's looking like the dad might be awarded custody of her. The little girl (and I) have mixed feelings about that, as he just got out of jail recently...for things I won't mention on forum...

...but I guess we'll see...

[Roxy]

I think adopting a child is one of the greatest ways we can honour humankind.

[ConsciousCuisine]

Yes, I agree and feel the same way about fostering

[Roxy]

Yes absolutely! Fostering is such a wonderful, selfless service to be able to offer to children (and animals) in need.

And there are so many things that they are in need of: safety, love, guidance, stability, strength and so much more as well as the material things.

[Peas'nHominy]

And there are so many things that they are in need of: safety, love, guidance, stability, strength and so much more as well as the material things.

Oooohhh, it is so true. So far, each child we've received has come to us with no clothes or shoes that fit, and with awful health problems. Fears and anxieties; they've just lost everything, even though what they had was horrid. Doctors, psychotherapy, hugs, kisses.....*sigh*...they are in such need. There are so many in need and not enough foster families.

The little girl we have right now tells me constantly "I love you" -- she is in so much need that she says it sooooo often, that it's like a tick. She can't hear me say "I love you, too" enough times.

One child we had could not sleep at night, and would go around to all the doors to make sure they were locked. (She also could not speak.) I had to lay beside her or she could not handle it. Eventually, she got to where I could just hold her hand until she fell asleep. She's with her grandma now -- oh-my-gosh I miss her so much, but I know she is in a safe place now and being loved and cared for.

Okay, I'll stop now --- I'm all watery-eyed now anyway! I dream that one day some of these little ones will grow up and call me so I can see them again...maybe even kiss their babies! Wouldn't that be awesome!!

[PercysLion]

Wow Peas, that's really amazing of you. That has to take a lot of strength.

My partner and I have discussed it at length and one day, when we're a little older, we certainly want to adopt and have a vegan family.

I do have a question to throw out there though. The ladies in my dance company have been discussing this lately and it's a rough topic. Can anyone give me any viewpoints on interracial adoptions? I personally see a lot of strength and positives in interraccial families, but I've been told that one race can not be sensitive to the issues of another.

Maybe I'm too much of an idealist or I just don't understand, but the race had never even occurred to me. I figure a child who needs a home is just that.

I'd love to hear from others on this. Thanks!

[Peas'nHominy]

It is an interesting topic. I feel completely comfortable with all ethnic groups. I love life's diversity.

But I'm finding that, like adults, not all children feel that way. Maybe one reason for that would be the child's previous experiences, like did she have any good relationships with people of a different race, were the people she was living with prejudice, etc.

I know a couple who adopted two children of a different race. They were all completely okay with that (including the children). In fact, as the kids became teens, and developed a very silly sense of humor, they enjoyed making jokes or hearing jokes about it. (One very young child commented -- hey, their babies came out Chinese! And they all thought it wonderfully funny! ) These two were adopted as infants, so maybe that helped (?).

Personally, I would adopt a child of a different race. I would even adopt a child with health problems or handicaps.

Something to think about, too is there are many many more children waiting to be adopted than there are adults wanting to adopt. Many grow up and never get adopted. I say why turn down a child to have to grow up as a Ward of the State, in a center or stuck in the foster care system, when he could have a real family for the rest of his days....because he's the wrong color? I should say not!

[ConsciousCuisine]

Peas I love you and wish someone like you had adopted me

You are doing such great things everyday, just by being who you are and caring for the children as you do

Someday I'll foster children

[PercysLion]

I say why turn down a child to have to grow up as a Ward of the State, in a center or stuck in the foster care system, when he could have a real family for the rest of his days....because he's the wrong color? I should say not!

I agree with you here. Though I may not be able to be completely aware of the subtlties of every race/culture, I don't know that the state would do a much beter job. Besides, no matter what my child is like, she will be exposed to the widest variety of people I can manage. I certainly can't provide everything for my child, but others can.

Thank you though, for the story about your friends, that was very sweet to hear.

[DancingWillow]

The little girl we have right now tells me constantly "I love you" -- she is in so much need that she says it sooooo often, that it's like a tick. She can't hear me say "I love you, too" enough times.

Aww, that just warms my heart so much!

I dream that one day some of these little ones will grow up and call me so I can see them again...maybe even kiss their babies! Wouldn't that be awesome!!

I hope that they do call you and that you get to see what a profound difference you made in their lives by loving them and showing them such wonderful generosity and kindness

I would definitely like to adopt children in the future. I would like to adopt siblings (either two or three siblings) because I love my sister so much and have such a special connection with her, and I don't know what I would do without her...it breaks my heart to see siblings split apart, especially when they have already been split from their parents. I would love to give the opportunity to at least one set of siblings to be together!

Also, Peas, I know an American couple who adopted a Chinese girl. The girl is doing very well; she adjusted beautifully. She was adopted when she was only a year old and is 2 (maybe 3) years old now, so I can't tell you much about how she'll feel in the future when she understands that she's from a different culture. Adjustments in interracial adoptions would of course be easier and smoother if the child is adopted when very young.

Good luck with the adoption of the little girl you're fostering now

[harpy]

That's great of you Peas. I'm sure some of them will stay in touch when they're grown up. I have a friend who fosters and she hears from quite a lot of hers (and one came to stay recently after the people who had adopted him kicked him out )

Re interracial adoption, some of the agencies here in the UK tend to be rather cautious about it, I think because, rightly or wrongly, they are worried that the children can grow up to feel isolated if they aren't in touch with their (birth) family's culture. I think they will often let people go ahead if they are able to provide the cultural connection - for example a white person with close Afro-Carribean friends may be allowed to adopt an Afro-Carribean child.

[Peas'nHominy]

Peas I love you and wish someone like you had adopted me

I love you too!!!

(Is your PM working yet? My replies wouldn't go through. )

[ConsciousCuisine]

It should be working now...who knows though? I don't receive email notifications of any sort anymore either (even for regular posts)...I wonder why???

[Ara]

I'm only 19 and far too young to be thinking about children in my opinion! But i've always felt that should i want children i would rather adopt, as i would feel guilty bringing another life onto this earth when i could make life a lot better for a child that is already here.

[DancingWillow]

Ara, I feel the exact same way, and I definitely would like to adopt (siblings) in the future too! I'm too young right now as well...

[Purity]

I keep thinking that maybe I'd like to adopt one day. I certainly don't have any burning need to create a mini-me, and would much rather give a loving home to a child in need. Unfortunately, I'm single and therefore the chances of being able to adopt are about 1 in a thousand.

I think I'd rather adopt a 5ish year old than a baby too, I'm certainly not the type to coo over babies - yet when someone brought their dog into the office yesterday I was cooing over him for the whole time (he had the most gorgeous big brown eyes and floppy ears)

[PercysLion]

I keep thinking that maybe I'd like to adopt one day. I certainly don't have any burning need to create a mini-me, and would much rather give a loving home to a child in need. Unfortunately, I'm single and therefore the chances of being able to adopt are about 1 in a thousand.

I think I'd rather adopt a 5ish year old than a baby too, I'm certainly not the type to coo over babies - yet when someone brought their dog into the office yesterday I was cooing over him for the whole time (he had the most gorgeous big brown eyes and floppy ears)

This sounds just like me. Babies bore me, but animals melt me. Honestly, the biggest drive for me to have a family is to educate and to help create awareness. I need to spawn (in the figurative sense) more vegans who are educated and activist.

[Thur]

My husband and I plan to adopt, but I cant till I am 21 and they dont make an exception that I have been emancipated since I was 16... bleh. Thats ok I will wait. We have so much room in our hearts it hurts not to be able to spread it more. Indiana sent me a big folder of all the children we can adopt and I sat on my couch for a hour balling reading their stories. Indiana is trying to make the laws for adoption much more strict. Which to me is strange seeing that they will let anyone be a foster parent and there are a lot of Abuse scandels here with these poor children. I would love to be a foster parent but not until I can buy a home with a backyard. We thought of Fostering handicap children but that will have to wait until after my father passes. I know that sounds bad but he has a large house he will leave me and plenty of money. I know there are classes you have to take and I have taken a few but I want to try to get a degree.
Does anyone know what happens when orphans turn 18? Someone told me usually they let them go with $20 in thier pockets. Is that true?

[yorbo]

as i would feel guilty bringing another life onto this earth when i could make life a lot better for a child that is already here.

I totally agree.

It really is a shame that the whole process of adopting is so complicating (from what I have gathered) .

[laurin]

When I'am older, more mature and can support someone else I will be adopting a child from another country. I met some people over the summer who adopted a little girl from a small town in Japan. They said that with the cost of flying there and back, social worker fees, adoption fees staying in hotels etc it cost them almost 20,000.

I know that doesn't answer your question entirely, but I know it costs alot even if it's from your own country. But for anyone else who wants to adopt a child from a foreign country, that's a rough estimate of what it could cost. At least, that is what I was told.

[auntierozzi]

I have seen a few posts where people thought they might like to adopt children one day. I wondered if anybody has adopted or is thinking about it.

We have two little daughters both adopted from China. They are the light of my life and the drainers of my energy!

[Mystic]

That is beautiful

[auntierozzi]

Oh Thanks StickyDate!!! I see you are a kindergarten teacher so you know all about toddlerdom.
I'm also a big fan of sticky dates by the way.

[greeniebean]

Hi,

To those of you who have or are fostering, can you tell me if you ran into any trouble being approved to foster because of your diet? Additionaly, do you give the foster children a strict vegan diet?

I would like to foster some day soon, and I wonder about how I would handle feeding a foster child. I know the child will have already been through countless changes and struggles. I don't know how I would handle switching them from whatever they are used to, to my collard greens and beans.

Any ideas?

[auntierozzi]

Hi Greeniebean,
I wish you all the best in fostering a child. I haven't fostered and don't know if I could but we adopted our two little girls and maybe our experience could be useful for you.
The best advice I could give you is to put yourself in the shoes of a little stranger arriving in your home. At first he will need to have around him as much as you can give him that is familiar. It's tough at first. If he sees you eating delicious new things which you don't give him but you tell him are really just for grown ups I am about 99% sure that he will be begging to try 'grown-up' food...This does work with our two!!
Toddlers especially like to have little things that look nice on their plate like cherry tomatoes and tiny pieces of brightly coloured veg and fruit etc..I'm sure you will tempt him or her!!
Also, I would just tell social workers that you are interested in nutrition and would be able to provide a vegetarian diet if there was a child with allergies etc.. Anyway, that's just my take on this. Probably a child that has been used to eating a lot meat would go for meat substitutes that you might not like. Personally I think that if a child was used to meat then I would provide some in moderation. This is probably what the social worker would be wanting to hear..
Good luck with this. Fostering is a very generous thing to do.

[Peas'nHominy]

Hi Greeniebean, I did not have any trouble at all getting licensed. The only time it even came up was with a child that I cared for who was obese. With foster children being Wards of the State, I have to do whatever the CPS doctors tell me.

The way it turned out was good, though, imo -- I had to keep a journal of everything the child ate and drank. The nutritionist was very pleased, and the child's health greatly improved. The only problem was that I did not get to have too much of a say about what she ate at school because the school's lunch program was "approved" - but in my house I served healthy vegan and the doctors didn't seem to mind at all (or even notice, really). I think they were just mostly pleased to see that the child was not being fed junk and candy.

(Well, there were a few stupid things they said but I didn't do it; for example, they told me to give her diet soda...whatever. The doctor was assuming that I even buy soda, which I don't, so it was a mute point....but it did anger me at the time... I was pretty hot and called her on it -- I told her something like I don't serve children soda and I'm not about to start serving them Aspartame )

It can depend on who you get for a case worker, or doctor. Once in a while there's a case worker who's just outright obnoxious, but even then they're usually so over-cased that they don't have time to be as obnoxious as they want to be.

It is very important to keep in mind that the child has experiened a loss of everything known to him/her. That's why I'm ALWAYS on the look-out to find the best recipes that are vegan but taste like (or are very similar to) the nonvegan version. Some people incorrectly assume that I'm looking for such recipes because vegan food doesn't taste as good, but as we all know that's not true -- it's just to help ease some of the anxiety for the foster children in my home.

I'd like to add, though, that as you go through the PRIDE class training, keep this in mind -- you don't have to make your being a vegan even an issue. You live a healthy lifestyle. Period. There are a lot of people getting liscensed who have all kinds of different diets (kosher, vegetarians, me the vegan ). My advice is don't even worry about it at all; don't think about yourself as being abnormal and as though it is even a question that you should not be considered for liscensing.

[auntierozzi]

Hi Peas'nHominy,
Your message is really encouraging. That's great to know that you improved the health of little girl. I agree with you that the important thing to stress is an interest in health and nutrition. Hopefully those involved in choosing foster parents will become more aware of the benefits of our diet in time.

[RachelJune]

Speaking from the another perspective (adult adoptee) I was wondering if anyone has been adopted and wants to share their story?

I was adopted as a baby and love my adoptive parents to bits. They've always been open with me about being adopted, and offered to support me in looking for my birth family if I ever decided to. And they'll always be important to me

Well, after years of wondering and not really knowing where to start, I placed a message on an random adoption forum (following prompts from a friend) and little over a month later received an email I will never forget It turns out that my birth-mother has been looking for me all this time and has been waiting for me to get in touch. What a wonderful start to the new year

So anyone who has been or intends to search, don't lose hope and don't hesitate to try any avenues, no matter how unlikely it may seem at the time....

[horselesspaul]

Speaking from the another perspective (adult adoptee) I was wondering if anyone has been adopted and wants to share their story?

I was adopted as a baby and love my adoptive parents to bits. They've always been open with me about being adopted, and offered to support me in looking for my birth family if I ever decided to. And they'll always be important to me

Well, after years of wondering and not really knowing where to start, I placed a message on an random adoption forum (following prompts from a friend) and little over a month later received an email I will never forget It turns out that my birth-mother has been looking for me all this time and has been waiting for me to get in touch. What a wonderful start to the new year

That's great RachelJune.