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Thread: Were you spanked as a child?

  1. #51
    kriz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    We were 4 kids, none of us were ever spanked.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  2. #52

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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Puffin wrote: "Yes reds violence breads violence and i cant see how you can teach your children not to hit out and hit them yourself."

    I totally agree with you, parents however unwittingly, lead by example. They are role models to their children. I only have to look at the way my son copies the inflections in my voice to realise that! (it's hilarious lol!)

    Feral, I also totally agree with you. As I said before, spanking shouldn't be confused with abuse and I can see how confusing the two isn't helpful to our understanding of child abuse. It is an emotive subject: To spank or not to spank? For me although distinct, the line that runs between occasional spanking, over-spanking in place of more creative, positive discipline, and hitting that begins to cross the mark of what is "socially acceptable", is very fine. Parents would in my opinion, do better to avoid spanking where at all possible. From my own parents experiences I know how easy it is to slip into regular use of spanking. Once that line has been crossed, it becomes easier to do, and easier to do too often.

    Grail, I'm aware that I may come across in my posts as a woolly liberal, but I don't allow my son to do just whatever he chooses, although I'm sure he'd love it if I did lol! The absence of spanking as a so called form of
    discipline does not equal total anarchism and lack of parental guidance. I feel at this stage in our son's life my partner and I are laying down the foundations of preventative parenting. By this I mean we hope that by being loving, respectful and teaching Oz to understand his and others feelings that we'll prevent the need for an Authoritarian approach to discipline. Children are not born naughty, and don't need to be controlled by whatever means available. They have the ability to be loving, respectful and to make good choices within them. I see gentle parenting as a means to help them do this. There's a lot to be said for children living up to their elders' expectations of them. Call a child naughty enough and he'll start to believe you. This lack of self-esteem will show in his behaviour soon enough. That's just how I see things though. This way works for us at the moment and that's all any family can hope to do really: just do what works best for you, your family and your situation.

  3. #53
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    ...

  4. #54
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I was promised a lot of spanking but never actually got it. We laugh about it today!

    Mostly my parents just had to look at me and I knew I'd better slow down or stop what I was doing wrong.
    Let thy food be thy medecine

  5. #55
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote Bunny

    A really big part of discipline is never to threaten anything you won't carry out. I have seem many people threaten a child with "if you do that again then we will leave" when they're at a party or something. The child may repeat the behaviour again and again and the parent doesn't leave. The child then loses respect for that punishment, as it has been proven to be pointless - it never gets carried out. With my children, I threatened that once, they carried on being naughty so we left. Now they know I mean what I say and so anything I warn them about gets listened to. On the offchance they continue - I follow through with my threat!
    I really, really agree with this, Bunny.
    "Do what you can with what you have where you are."
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  6. #56
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Yep, I've seen that scenario many many times. It's also frustrating to watch - I feel like carrying out the threat myself. LOL.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  7. #57
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    The mother of two of my nieces is one of those who always do what she says she's going to do - no matter what. She's kind and encouraging, but also belives in structure and discipline. She's my biggest mother role model. If I ever will have kids, she'll be my mentor.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  8. #58
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    As long as children know thier boundries there's usually no problem.

  9. #59
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I was hit quite a bit. Mostly on the bum and legs, with hands, a wooden spoon, back of a hairbrush and even my Dad's belt.

    I would get smacked accross the face (mostly backhanded) and once when I was 12 I was hit so hard it knocked the braces off my teeth. I remember having to go to the orthadontist for repairs to the braces and I wasn't allowed to tell him how it happened. He never asked anyway.

    Now I think about it, it's odd that I wasn't allowed to tell the orthadontist - my parents didn't seem to care about belting me infront of other people. All the way up until I was 14. I remember being really humiliated twice, when my I was bashed infront of other people.

  10. #60
    FR
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    Up until about 3rd grade, the school adminstrators were allowed to paddle students they had considered as bad. Let's just say they used to spank my ass weekly. The vice principal and the wood shop teacher had wooden paddles and they whacked the crap out of you with them. The principal used a rolled up newspaper which didn't hurt at all. When you knew you were to be paddled by him, it was quite the sigh of relief.

    Finally, they were no longer allowed to do that and "detention" became the norm.

    My Mom didn't spank me often, I think maybe twice, but she took it really easy.

  11. #61
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Oh, Roxy, that's terrible. Poor you.
    "Do what you can with what you have where you are."
    - Theodore Roosevelt

  12. #62
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Thanks Red. Similar things happened to my brother. He didn't really handle it as well as I and received councilling as an adult to deal with the hurt of it all.

  13. #63
    FR
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    ((((((Roxy))))))

  14. #64
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    Oh, that's terrible, Roxy. Do you think living such a long distance from your family now is a way to deal with it, to be away from it all?...I think I sub-consciously choose to go as far as I could to run away from my past. A soon as I visit my hometown it hits me all over again....old memories and people who judged or hurt me in some way.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  15. #65
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    No wonder why some of us choose not to have kids - we have to experience yet another childhood and re-live old bad memories.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  16. #66
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I have thought about that Kriz. Whilst it's not the reason I moved overseas, I think it does help for us to be apart. I've never had a close relationship with my parents because I never felt that I could trust them and I think the physical punishments I received as a child have a lot to do with that.

    My parents are a lot genteler in their older age now. They have also become Christians which seems to have mellowed them quite a bit.

    Last year, when I was visiting them, I tried to bring this subject up with my father who said he couldn't remember the incidences I was talking about and then asked me "why don't you love me"? What a stupid question. I do love him - but I felt like he felt guilty and was in turn trying to make me feel guilty for asking about it.

  17. #67
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    Oh God Roxy, that's exactly the same as my old man... he sits and tells people in front of me that he never had to lift a hand to us kids... seriously, they must make themselves forget!

  18. #68
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Yes, I think my Dad probably felt that guilty about some of those things, that he pushed them into that dark area right at the back of his mind.

  19. #69
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Also, I'm not saying I was an angel or anything. There were times, when I must admit, I probably deserved to be punished. But no child (as far as I am concerned) deserves to punished with beatings. There are other ways to deal with insubordination or just plain naughtyness.

  20. #70
    feral
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    My Dad really doesn't feel any guilt at all, he's convinced himself that he was a wonderful Father and that it isn't his fault his kids are all bastards (his words & he didn't notice the irony lol). But then there is a psychotic tendency in that side of the family.

    I'm glad you went for counselling, I hope your brother is able to find peace with the situation.

  21. #71
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    All normal mischievieous children deserve to be punished from time to time, but hitting or psychologically abuse a child is inexcusable. Either the parents are completely ignorant or they have deep psychologial issues that need to be dealt with. Any parent with violent tendencies should seek counselling promptly.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  22. #72
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote feral
    My Dad really doesn't feel any guilt at all, he's convinced himself that he was a wonderful Father and that it isn't his fault his kids are all bastards (his words & he didn't notice the irony lol). But then there is a psychotic tendency in that side of the family.

    I'm glad you went for counselling, I hope your brother is able to find peace with the situation.
    Oh, I didn't go for conselling. My brother did. He was quite affected by it.

    Thanks for the kind words.

  23. #73
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote feral
    My Dad really doesn't feel any guilt at all, he's convinced himself that he was a wonderful Father and that it isn't his fault his kids are all bastards (his words & he didn't notice the irony lol). But then there is a psychotic tendency in that side of the family.

    I'm glad you went for counselling, I hope your brother is able to find peace with the situation.
    This is either ignorance, arrogance or denial.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  24. #74
    kriz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I believe denial is most likely.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  25. #75
    feral
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I reckon it's a combination, he's a very ignorant & arrogant man too.

    For those who choose to beat their children it's worth remembering that the child will grow up and will then be an adult who knows what you did.

  26. #76
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Well said, feral.
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  27. #77
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    There have been so many good and heartfelt responses on this thread. I think most of us should have a big hug together ((((((((the lovely vegan people))))))) lol

  28. #78
    feral
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    Aaahh lovely *joins in the group hug*

  29. #79
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote Roxy
    Oh, I didn't go for conselling. My brother did. He was quite affected by it.
    My brother never went to conselling but he could have done with it. My brother has always had me to talk to about the past and i think it helped us both get over it. He had it pretty bad, me second then my little brother got away with everything. Its sad to think back but i have learnt how not to be a parent.
    I still feel sad today about how he was treated, but we dont speak to my mum so thats all in the past now.

    Hugs to you Roxy

  30. #80
    sugarmouse
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    youve got my sympathy Roxy...and ican empathise lol unfortunatly


    my dad was the reason i moved out of home when i ws 15...ever since i was little i was frightened of hsi temper..i am no longer afraid of him but i am guilty of never havina relationship with him.i do not like violent men.and as from being very little i knew what my dad was doing wasnt right.
    hed hit me, in front of friends for daft reasons such as he couldnt find the dog.or that i had gotten out of bed at nite....i know someone mentioned being embarressed but i never was, it just caused me to get bullied at school and ppl jokin behind my back that my mother was a battered wife...
    i was a pathetic lil git anyways i never fought back.
    the final thing that made me vow to never speak tohim was when he threw me down the stairs as i had returend home late and (alledgedly) there was a rapist in town and he was worried.he chucked me out the doer in my nighty and i had to go to a friends house....and then i knew i had to leave home...
    it was 2 black eyes and 2 years later whne i escaped lol
    dnt get me incorreclty it wasnt something htat happened every day.but i couldnt ever hold a relationship with my father even tho i loved the way he thought as it ws very similar to mine in many ways..and he was very intelligent...my mother winds me up as she totaly doesnt ever think -so i related more to him in this way.but i wish now that i had nt cut myself off somuch..because he isnt goin to last much longer...and i cant even bring myself to go visit him!

  31. #81
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote tabitha
    Theres lots of different ways to have a shit childhood isnt there.
    You said it Tabitha. So true.

    Diana
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    If I didn't say it, don't assume it.

  32. #82
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote absentmindedfan
    I do agree though, sometimes a smack, not a hard wallop across the face or anything like that, is the only way to stop some kids.
    I've observed friends and relatives of mine trying to reason with their kids, offering them bribes, doing the 'naughty step' and all sorts of things, but the kid has decided it's going to act like a brat and misbehave until it gets what it wants so none of this works. Until the Nan comes along, gives them a smack on the lower arm or thigh-NOT hard just enough to shock them-and says 'Stop it!'
    Job done, kid behaves. Once they calm down Nan gives them a cuddle and talks to the kid about why they needed a smack, because they were being naughty, and gives them a kiss and a cuddle. Kid toddles off to play completely fine.
    I think a combination of love, encouragement and disclipline is the best way. Smacks are a last resort and often other tactics will work, but every now and again they go into Brat Mode and it's the only way. And it must ALWAYS ALWAYS be followed up by an explanation and a kiss and a cuddle.
    My boyfriend's nephews get smacked a bit by their dad (boyfriend's brother inlaw). I don't think it does anything except make them scared of their dad (and resentful).
    Occasionally while caring for them I will just keep telling them 'no' (this often causes a meltdown in the 3 year old). Sometimes I do have to tap them on the arm/hand or give them a tap on the shoulder to let them know that I saw what they did/are doing & that's 'it's not acceptable behaviour' (thank the SuperNanny for that one). 6 year old is rude & attention-seeking (because he gets so little attention at home). Behaviour transfers over to our house too though. He shoves other kids just for the heck of it.

    Personally I would never spank a child though. I was never spanked - then again I didn't do much that was classified as 'naughty' in my house.

    Diana
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  33. #83
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I deserved it every time I got hit. I always got ample warnings and I was never hit severely. Usually I'd be pulled by the hair and have my feet whacked with a brush. Sometimes I would be flipping out and that would be the only thing that would calm me down.

  34. #84
    tabitha
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Jesus! that sounds pretty extreme to me.

  35. #85
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    It wasn't that bad. I never even got a bruise.

  36. #86
    tabitha
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    Well as long as you werent mentally scarred John then there wasnt a problem. Its not the same thing, but I have been particularly mentally scarred by my grandfather telling me my mum and dad loved my brother more than me. He would tell me that he was the only person in the world who loved me. Classic abuser really. It has stayed with me for my entire life.

  37. #87
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote tabitha
    Jesus! that sounds pretty extreme to me.
    sounds like a run of the mill childhood to me, when john said "i deserved it everytime i got hit" he did have a point lol because if it wasnt for my dad keeping a tab on me, i think i would of been a crazy kid! it was only the thought of what my dad would do if i got caught! that stopped me from doing things.

  38. #88
    tabitha
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    Im wondering what age group John is. Different age groups have different views about smacking. Im just trying to imagine myself grabbing one of my beautiful sons by the hair and wallopping their feet with a brush and im struggling with the image, and believe me my children are no angels and I am often tearing my hair out with them.

  39. #89
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I'm 27. If anything, I was treated quite leniently in general. I got in trouble all the time but I was never hit as a punishment. Only when I would really be flipping out and I didn't care about anything.

    Other that that I was a generally good kid.

  40. #90
    tabitha
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    I was a good kid too John.

  41. #91

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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    My mom chased me with a wooden spoon, although I was to fast for her so she gave up.
    ▼Laurin▼

  42. #92
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    ...

  43. #93
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Yes but there doesn't have to be bruises for it to be assault.

  44. #94
    tabitha
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    My dad would tease me til I got in a temper, then send me to my room when I was quite young. Later however, when my mum and I would clash, she also threw things at me - a rolling pin being one. I know which episode I would class as abuse though.

  45. #95
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    wow, i have to pinch myself, i can't beleive so many in one place stand for non violence to children....I started a thread on this topic on another forum the replys were over a thousand and 3 posters were (myself included) against harm based parenting... we provided studys etc. etc. I was flamed and trolled repeatedly for not, hitting my kids......I was in the wrong place....lol
    Mother nature doesn't except excuses only man does.....

  46. #96
    Pilaf
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    I was spanked too much as a child..

    but sadly, not enough as an adult.

  47. #97
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Haha, get yourself over to the spanking thread, Pilaf!
    "Do what you can with what you have where you are."
    - Theodore Roosevelt

  48. #98

    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    Quote sheri beri
    wow, i have to pinch myself, i can't beleive so many in one place stand for non violence to children....I started a thread on this topic on another forum the replys were over a thousand and 3 posters were (myself included) against harm based parenting... we provided studys etc. etc. I was flamed and trolled repeatedly for not, hitting my kids......I was in the wrong place....lol
    I know what you mean. I teach at a small community college in a very rural Southern area and when I discuss the studies (and behaviorist views on punishment), you should hear all the groans and vocal disagreement...like "I was 'wore-out' all the time and I turned out fine" People in my area seem to think that not spanking leads to brats, but I think it has more to do with many of the things you guys have already discussed: affection, consistency in use of non-physical punishment, using positive reinforcement appropriately, etc. I've noticed that a lot of parents I've seen who use spanking as their main form of punishment are "lazy" about praising their kids for good things--often they don't even notice. I was spanked, but not very often, and being "talked to" (i.e., "we're very disappointed because you __________") worked much more long-term on me than being spanked in changing my behavior in the ways they intended.
    When you are guided by compassion and loving-kindness, you are able to look deeply into the heart of reality and see the truth.--Thich Nhat Hanh

  49. #99

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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    it really is a sad discovery to make that so many people believe in hitting children. i remeber in my speech class in college someone gave a survey about corporal punishment, and it was disgusting how many people said they PLANNED on hitting their kids
    Peace Love Surf.

  50. #100
    vegan1969
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    Default Re: Were you spanked as a child?

    My Mom has a master's in psychology and didn't believe in any form of physical punishment so I was never spanked. She did believe in positive reinforcement which meant I got lots of cool stuff when I acted cool. I decided not to have kids but if I did I would use the same method my Mom used, it worked. I was a pretty well behaved kid.

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