Were you spanked as a child?

[eclectic_one]

I agree with you, xrodolfox...I stated many of the reasons on the page 9 of this thread (#172). I have students in my class often say, "well, my parents wore me out and told me how stupid I was, but I turned out great. So I'm going to do the same (or 'I do the same') with my kids." I guess these students didn't become violent mass murderers or anything, but that doesn't mean that physical and verbal violence are the best parenting method. Anyway, I know I'm about to repeat myself, so I'll stop there and let you read post #172 on this thread if you want to see my whole view on the subject.

[foxytina_69]

yes. but as i got older i would laugh at them when they tried to spank me so they stopped and my dad would call me a little bitch lol. my parents were too busy working so my oldest sister had to raise me basically. so she did a lot of crap to me that was bad. when i was a baby my sisters put me on the top bunk of a bunk bed and jumped around so i would bounce around and then i went flying off the top bunk and hit the floor. my sister also would put me in the deep freezer and sit on the top so i couldnt get out. she would dangle me by one arm and one leg over the railing and threaten to drop me. and the worst was when her and her friends used to strangle me against a wall with a rolled up towel until i blacked out and fell. they would do it over and over and over again. thats what happens when you have kids and are too busy to raise them yourself.

thinking about it now, since i was always almost dead from asthma, strangling me was pretty stupid. thank god i never told anyone or they would have taken me away.

my dad used to beat my sister. one time he was beating mom and cindy got involved and he pushed her into a corner and all i could see was this huge arm flying at her face punching punching punching. it was one of the most traumatic things ive ever had to see. then he verbally assaulted her while she was trying to cover up the bruises with makeup. and he once pushed my middle sister down the stairs. but he never did anything to me because he would beat mom and i would get involved and at 9 i picked him up in mid air and he never again hit her lol. i dont know how i did that but i did. it must have been the steroids i was on for asthma lol.

[sugarmouse]

One thing I do not understand is how my father nowadays is concerned for me bcause of the lack of chagre I have over myself, my self esteem and my depression. He wishes confidence and power over me.. how canhe feel that way when he spent my childhood beating any spark I had uot of me physically and mentally?

[Hemlock]

I was severely beaten as a child and was a shadow of my real self for many years, even now I don't think I am completely "normal". I did wonder on occasion if one day I would be killed.
I think it's important to look forward not back and cut toxic people out of your life in order to move on.

[xrodolfox]

I agree with you, xrodolfox...I stated many of the reasons on the page 9 of this thread (#172).

It was an interesting read. Thanks for pointing your statements out.

I'm glad to read that in most of this thread, the opinions have been against hurting or spanking children as punishment. I'm just saddened by all the stories of people who suffered as children and are dealing with the effects of it now.

[nee chee]

I'm glad to read that in most of this thread, the opinions have been against hurting or spanking children as punishment. I'm just saddened by all the stories of people who suffered as children and are dealing with the effects of it now.

i agree! and its still weired for me to read it! i grew up in such a cosy and comfortable environment, ive never been scared of anything! i never had to deal with any kind of abuse until i have met my best friend in 4th grade. her childhood was so different from mine and i think thats why we became best friends. she later confessed to me that she really loved being around my family and she admired the sunny attitudes we all had and the neverending freedom i was given to explore the world. i then confessed to her that i admired her strength in moving on and ALWAYS making the best out of her situation. and now? we still are the very best friends and she still is a fighter and deals with life in the most incredible way. and im still a sunny person but not half as strong as she is!

getting off topic here, sorry!

to answer the question: no, i have never been spanked. not even punished ... i dont want to have kids of my own, but i have my best friends kid once in a while and i would never raise my hand agains him! its just so wrong...

[emzy1985]

I was smacked as a child. The last time my dad tried to hit me I was 14 and pushed him away as he went to smack me. He hit the wall pretty hard and never attempted to hit me again. He recently apologised for hitting me as a child as he said alot of the time it was in anger and not as a punishment. I don't think it did me any harm or good to be smacked. I'm sitting on the fence with the smacking debate.

[hdmarie]

The last time I was beat with a belt I was 17 years old. I think back on when my dad used to beat us and I know I def. will not do it my kids. I don't think I'll smack them either. I really want to be as nonviolent as possible. I also want to work on raising my voice.

[Purple]

The last time I was beat with a belt I was 17 years old. I think back on when my dad used to beat us and I know I def. will not do it my kids. I don't think I'll smack them either. I really want to be as nonviolent as possible. I also want to work on raising my voice.

You know that being beaten with a belt is totally unacceptable and is regarded as domestic violence? You okay?

[Frosty]

My dad never hit me once, but my mum used to smack me across the back of the legs and my ass. I remember getting one or two in the face as well, looking back now. She used to get blood blisters on her palm she'd hit me so hard. I was a pretty naughty child though, so prob did deserve it. I don't really see much wrong with smacking a child on the bum or on their hands when they've misbehaved.

[Purple]

Dude, nobody deserves to be hit especially like that no matter how naughty they are

Yes, I was watching Supernanny last night.

[Frosty]

Haha, maybe not. She was rather patient though, I really was a little sh*t She hates me bringing it up, especially telling people about it, now. She never hit my younger brother once, because of the guilt she felt from whacking me and the elder bro.

[puffin]

My dad never hit me once, but my mum used to smack me across the back of the legs and my ass. I remember getting one or two in the face as well, looking back now. She used to get blood blisters on her palm she'd hit me so hard. I was a pretty naughty child though, so prob did deserve it. I don't really see much wrong with smacking a child on the bum or on their hands when they've misbehaved.

Thats bad Frosty. My mum would hit the first part of your body she came to. I remember she slapped me across the face in from of a policeman once

[Windfall]

Yes, I was watching Supernanny last night.

Me too!

God wasnt it terrible - put me off having kids for life, I think!

[hdmarie]

I don't hang out with my dad much, mostly with my mom but we still talk. That was years ago and if he does anything I feel uncomfortable with I just go home (I live around the corner from my parents).

[Marrers]

She never hit my younger brother once, because of the guilt she felt from whacking me and the elder bro.

Strange that you think it was okay but she doesn't! She managed to raise your brother without any smacking so that proves it can be done.

[Vegmom]

I was spanked but do not believe in spanking my children.

[cherrywisp]

Someone mentions that there's a difference between spanking and abuse.

Here's a thought:

spanking = "humanely" killing animals.
abuse = "brutally" killing animals.
End result = the same.

Spanking is telling your child that hitting someone is okay, if they did something wrong, so what's to stop them from spanking/smacking one of their friends for doing something they dislike?
It's like when your child hits another child, and then to demonstrate that it's wrong, you hit your child! It doesn't make any sense whatsoever to me.

If I ever hit my child in any way I would explain that I was very sorry and had lost my temper just like they might do if/when they hit someone else.


Maybe my perspective is a bit different as I grew up in a home where the lines between physical punishment and abuse were admittedly a bit blurred, but I kind of feel like they're ALWAYS blurred. I don't know how hitting someone could ever be justified or a good teaching method.
In effect, you're hurting your own child.
If you feel okay with doing that, by all means, keep doing it.
Someday they might feel okay with hurting you back.

My mother used to hit all three of us, after raising us in a home where my father used to hit her - and eventually, we all hit her back.
I don't think any of us regretted it. We felt like she deserved it.

When I hit her, I told her she should know better. And I didn't regret it. I told her if she hit me again, I'd use a closed fist the next time. She never hit me again.

It's interesting how it's always okay to use this kind of punishment on someone who isn't "allowed" to fight back, but once they allow themselves to fight back, the punishment tends to either stop happening or escalate into full on attacks.

Anyway, time out or taking toys away is always more effective, in my opinion, because instead of the kid just thinking about the fact that you actually hurt them, they only have to think about the fact that if they hadn't done something wrong they could be playing.

Makes more sense to me.

[xrodolfox]

I think that hitting kids is unethical. I totally agree with you ^ on that one.

However, I think that using authoritarianism to control children or to try to get them to cowtow to our whims is analogous to keeping slaves. That's why I think that time outs -which are essentially tiny prison sentences for kids- are also totally innapropriate for children.

Sure, they work, just like beating kids works; in the short term. However, what is taught is that authoritarianism is what rules, not love nor reason nor order.

I think that kids should be LOVED, and supported and allowed to participate in their own lives and how they are raised and reared. I think that the absentee parent who doens't care what their kids do is also in the wrong: for a lack of real involvement and love... but I think that the mildly authoritarian parent that is louded in our society as "ideal" is also incorrect.

I stand against authoritarian parenting, even if it is cleaned up and looks as nice as our neighbor who give the kids "time outs" or other forms of withdrawl of love as punishment. It works short term, but long term and ethically is what is important to me.

[cherrywisp]

rodolfo - How would you teach your child not to do something wrong, out of curiosity?

[cherrywisp]

Oh, as I'm reading more of this thread I just remembered something.

I used to work as a grocery store cashier and one day a little boy, wandering around completely by himself, came up behind me and hit me very hard in the leg. It hurt a lot, and I stopped what I was doing and turned and looked at him and said 'Don't hit me!'

Then I kept watching him run around so I could wait until his parent/s got back from whereever they went, and when his mother returned I told her 'Your son hit me.' To which she replied "He did?" and just looked at him.

After I looked at her for a few seconds I remembered seeing her in the store earlier that week, and the only reason I recognized her was because when she had been in the store that time, she had hit the same boy who had just hit me! (And I can't stand it when people do this kind of crap especially in public like there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, so that's why I remembered her face.)

I wanted to say something like 'Maybe he hit me because you hit him the last time you were here,' but I didn't want to lose my job.


One of my coworkers thought it was funny that I had talked to the mother at all about it and I guess thought it was funny how I had said it, and he always said "Your son hit me." in a deadpan voice every time he saw me after that, which was actually really funny

Poor kid though.

[xrodolfox]

rodolfo - How would you teach your child not to do something wrong, out of curiosity?

I do have a son, and he does learn how to discern what is appropriate behavior socially, and he does have a strong ethical compass.

I don't do it "ten comandment" style: top down. I help him observe his actions and the reactions they cause in others, and himself. I help him build up his empathy and logic and reasoning. I let him figure out for himself what is "right" and what is "wrong" in situations. He doesn't always agree with me, but frankly, he is much better behaved in most situations than almost all the kids I know that are his age.

Basically, I trust that my kid can figure out ethics by himself (in a supportive, loving environment), if he is given the tools to do so. My son and daughter are no angels. We've all got work to do (I taught my son how to punch really well, and he like to punch my ass when I'm looking away and not paying him attention: need to work on that. He really punches hard at 3.9 years old). The thing is that my son and daughter have the tools to figure things out, and we have the tools to really focus on loving them and helping them make sense of the world.

They might make mistakes now, but I think as they live more, they'll be able to behave ethically by themselves, not just because of the fear of punishment or because it is "socially acceptable"; but because it is ethical. The last thing I'd want is for my kids to be the ones who didn't ask questions when the Nazi's starting taking people away. Most people raise their kids to follow orders and authority, not their own ethics nor to think for themselves. Most people say they want their kids to be independent, but most people raise their kids to relly on punishment to get motivation or ethical behavior. I want my kids to be ethical even if it means punishment, and to be independent especially when peer pressure pulls at them.

What is sad is that most adults I know tell their kids to refuse peer pressure, but those same adults cowtow to peer pressure themselves every day... so what those adults say when they say, "don't follow peer pressure" is in fact, "follow my pressure". What I want to arm my kids with is the ability to follow their own hearts and minds instead of anyone else's.

That's what I'm arming my kids to be able to do. It is messy, and far from perfect. But it is a lot better then the dominant alternative.

[cherrywisp]

That sounds like it makes a lot of sense

I like the idea of showing them that they shouldn't do something just because it's wrong, not just because something bad happens afterward.

[RubyDuby]

great post rodolfo. i wish u were my dad!

[ivandurago]

I think I can count the number of times I was counted on one hand.
Probably the last time I was spanked was when I was ~8, and for the most part my dad would just hold a belt in half in his two hands then pull the ends together quickly, making a loud cracking noise, and that was always enough for me :P

[sugarmouse]

my dad did that too!!!

[Essy Strudel]

Truth be told, I’m more worried about my kids being scared of me in general, than giving them a quick smack, not that I really agree with that. My point is my father rarely use to hit me, of course when he did it would be hard, and often across the face. My father, was so emotionally abusive and out of control, that I was much more afraid of him. One day I could be quite rude and he would just laugh, the next day I might fall over and hurt myself and BANG, he’d hit me for it. My mother, on the other hand use to hit me quite often, but it was consistent, and usually on the bottom. Though, I don’t agree with hitting kids at all, obviously what my mother did was not as bad. When I became a teenager, my mum would still try and hit me though, and I made it perfectly clear if she did so I would hit her back. That’s why I think hitting a kid is bad, it doesn’t teach them right from wrong; it teaches them if you’re bigger and stronger than someone else, you can tell them what to do.

[BlackCats]

great post rodolfo. i wish u were my dad!

I agree, you sound like an amazing father.

[Essy Strudel]

Oh, I actually have a perfect example of something… On one of my father’s sane days:
I was in the yard, and I had found a Philips-head screwdriver, I decided to stab a tree with it several times (not because I hated the tree, because I liked the feel of it, and the marks it left in the tree).
My father came out and said “Stop that! Why are you doing that? What did the tree do to you?”
I instantly stopped, and my eyes actually welled up with tears, I felt so bad for what I had done. Every time was in the yard after that, and saw the scar I had left on the tree, it would remind me of how careless I had been, and I would secretly apologise to the tree.
If my father had come out and hit me, that’s all I would have remembered, and have not seen the problem in doing so again, I would just work harder at not getting caught.

[Mettesaurusrex]

No. I don't think I was that naughty as a child. And hitting your children has been illegal here since 1997.

I think it's gross to build an upbringing on fear.

[Andy]

My dad used to hit me with a slipper and i saw him hold up a knife to my mum on more than one occasion. Even though i could be scared of my dad i behaved better for my mum, but even saying that it wasn't like a was ever really naughty, i was a very shy and quiet as a child.

[Janet]

My stepdad hit me a few times in anger but he was too scared of my mum to do it too often. I think the main thing that hurt was knowing how much he disliked me. I was one of the keep quiet and out of the way types, occasionally they would notice me and then I would get an ear bashing over somthing so I'm pleased that my daughter (6) is loud and boisterous at home even if she is shy at school. We have a complete ban on smacking, and have had to deal with some of the biting, hitting, scratching and pinching behaviours from my boy. He is only three at the end of April but he is strong. I only use the step for if he attacks sombody and always explain what he has done and the effect it has had. He then has to appologise to whoever he has hurt. He seems to understand what appologising is about because if he feels that he was justified he refuses. We then have to establish what his objection is about and if necessary ask his sister to appologise for teasing him(usually the cause!) and suggest alternative ways to behave. They've always ended up friends again. I seem to be the one who gets the most of these behaviours from him, little monkey. It can be sooooo frustrating when he is having a major tantrum with me and daddy walks in and he changes even though I've been doing/saying exactly the same things!!Fortunatly his behaviour is improving, I was cursing my ethical stance the other day as he kicked struggled and screamed with the pooiest bottom flying all over the floor lol.

[RubyDuby]

i wish everybody thought about parenting as much as you do. ^

[absentmindedfan]

My stepdad hit me a few times in anger but he was too scared of my mum to do it too often. I think the main thing that hurt was knowing how much he disliked me. I was one of the keep quiet and out of the way types, occasionally they would notice me and then I would get an ear bashing over somthing so I'm pleased that my daughter (6) is loud and boisterous at home even if she is shy at school. We have a complete ban on smacking, and have had to deal with some of the biting, hitting, scratching and pinching behaviours from my boy. He is only three at the end of April but he is strong. I only use the step for if he attacks sombody and always explain what he has done and the effect it has had. He then has to appologise to whoever he has hurt. He seems to understand what appologising is about because if he feels that he was justified he refuses. We then have to establish what his objection is about and if necessary ask his sister to appologise for teasing him(usually the cause!) and suggest alternative ways to behave. They've always ended up friends again. I seem to be the one who gets the most of these behaviours from him, little monkey. It can be sooooo frustrating when he is having a major tantrum with me and daddy walks in and he changes even though I've been doing/saying exactly the same things!!Fortunatly his behaviour is improving, I was cursing my ethical stance the other day as he kicked struggled and screamed with the pooiest bottom flying all over the floor lol.

This is why I couldn't have kids. I'd kill them.

[Marrers]

Me too.

[Janet]

That is partly why I have a total ban. I don't believe that it is a good teaching method plus I know it would be because I was tired, stressed, under pressure, PMT,etc.etc,etc.
I'm quite pleased my lad has made it to 3 (nearly!) without a sound beating lol. He is actually an (almost) complete darling who throws his arms around me and says "I love you mummy" and then "you have a fat tummy", well ! he wouldn't want me getting big headed.

[Aurore]

i've been spanked a few times as a kid. as a kid i was very shy and quiet, actually the adjective people were so quick to pin on my back was "serious". but i also did mistakes, as every kid does. after a while my parents figured with my character it was best to leave me alone in my room thinking about my actions rather than just spank me. they also have encouraged me to ask questions, and think by myself.
i believe if you don't teach a child how to behave he/she cannot learn it by him/herself, so that's a good method. although i'm not sure i'd have the patience to do it with my kids.

[XxsarahxX]

i cant remember my parents been together my mum was emotionally unstable so brought weirdos to live with us (she called it love) they thought they could run the house hit me and my sister alot, i remember one day i came home and one of them had my sister on the ground with his knee on her chest ready to hit her and my mum was on his side so i went and pushed him of and got pushed across the room.
one thing Ive promised myself when i have children i never want them to be in bad environment and if it starts to look that way ill try my hardest to get them out.

[Huddy]

Sarah-Im so sorry to hear that you had such an awful experience. What a horrid man BIG hugs

[mjnewbould]

Well yes - of course I was thumped a lot as a child - but by my parents - not by the school or anything. My husband was beaten at school. He thinks it is a very good thing and that using psychological methods to terrorise cchildren is far more damaging

[cobweb]

sarah that is awful

[XxsarahxX]

Sarah-Im so sorry to hear that you had such an awful experience. What a horrid man BIG hugs

thank you but all that made me who i am today and its always a learning experience

[veggiemaya]

my dad never spanked or hit..but then again he was only in the house until i was 4, when my parents got divorced.

my mom...thats another story. she did a lot of the back hand slap in the face. those sucked. she also did the wooden spoon, and i am pretty sure i had soap in the mouth at least one time. i was always the type to speak up for myself..unfortunately as a child, you can get in trouble for that.

then there was my brother. i dont remember a lot of details from when i was very young. when i was older i remember a good deal of punches and shoves..and a LOT of name calling. (i was quite chunky as a child)but i have heard from other family members that he liked to just give me good beatings for no reason back when i was fairly young. he didnt like me very much back then. looking back i think he had some problems. very depressed probably. he later turned to drugs. right now my relationship with him is fine..but not terribly close. i dont resent him, which i have heard is not healthy for my own sake..but he's my brother. and i think deep down he regrets it all.

honestly, i have always resented my mother the most. i would assume probably for not "rescuing" me from my brother, but who knows. so yeah, i guess if i ever did have children, which i dont plan on, i would never hit them.

[tizer]

Perhaps none of you are old enough to remember the days when corporal punishment was the norm in schools, both primary and secondary. Teachers would cane you for any simple reason. My father was a teacher, so not only was I caned at school but also at home by both parents. My mum would use a wooden spoon. It stopped at home when I was about 12 but continued at school until I was about 15.
Those were the bad old days, kinda took the fun out of being a child.
As a father I only hit my son once, and for good reason... he always use to pee with the toilet seat down and despite several admonitions did not stop peeing on the seat until I gave him a jolly good spanking! He was about 7 or 8 at the time. He's 23 now and I occasionally reminisce about this with him.

[cobweb]

we used to get the cane, slipper and blackboard rubber (thrown at head) when i was at school.

[xErasedCitizenx]

I was never hit as a kid, and if I ever have kids there's no way I'd physically punish them. IMO using violence against children teaches a dangerous lesson that it's ok to use violence to get your own way/punish someone/get someone to stop doing something. It also in many situations is administered in anger, again showing that it's okay to hurt somebody if you're angry.

[veggiemaya]

I was never hit as a kid, and if I ever have kids there's no way I'd physically punish them. IMO using violence against children teaches a dangerous lesson that it's ok to use violence to get your own way/punish someone/get someone to stop doing something. It also in many situations is administered in anger, again showing that it's okay to hurt somebody if you're angry.

i completely, completely agree!!! children learn what they live...its such a true statement.

[august]

I was never spanked nor was my sister. My mom was very adamant about positive reinforcement and teaching through example. I don't have kids but if I did I'm sure I would use my mom's techniques in raising them. My sister has young kids and they are always asking to stay at 'Grandma's fun house'. She is a cool mom and a cool grandma.

I'm very saddened to hear about some of the abuse I've read on this thread and that's what it is- abuse. I had a cousin that was abused by his dad- he would beat him with a belt on a regular basis. My husband was also hit with a belt on several occasions. My husband rarely talks about it but when he does he gets sad and it upsets me so much. Fortunately, my husband turned out to be a well rounded person who is fantabulous with kids.

[Korn]

Hi all,

the member who pretended to be a vegan and wrote stuff like "If you have children - beat the mess out of them - it's good for them."

The removed posts are here (at least for now).

We rarely ban members, and have never put the word 'banned' next to the few members that have been banned before, but will make en exception this time - in case some occasional visitors have read what he wrote assumes that what he wrote has anything to do with veganism.

Using violence against children is the exact opposite of what veganism is about.

[horselesspaul]

Good job Korn.
I am sorry I rose, however politely, to the rather obvious trolling.

Peas.