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Thread: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

  1. #1
    seviya's Avatar
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    Smile Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Hallo all! I'm very excited to have just joined the forum!

    After a big-time ephiphany (aided by Fast Food Nation), I've been a happy vegan for (all of) six months. I'm not preachy, but at family get-togethers and at school (I'm a law student), the fact that I don't eat meat, dairy, or eggs sometimes comes up. Now, I don't give a flying patootie about what other people think about me, or about my choices - but sometimes (and you all know what I mean) I want to totally slap someone silly with my response. The old "raising and slaughterhouse conditions, animals are our friends, health concerns, and general ickiness" just sometimes doesn't fly!! I know these are good reasons, but to someone who isn't vegan, such reasons rarely make any sense! Plus they usually raise the "vegan preacher" defenses, and the people refuse to listen to a word.

    So here's my question: do any of you have any fantastic, witty comebacks for the annoying dork who sometimes sneers, "You don't eat meat?" or the equivalent, "What are you, some kind of freak?"

    Happily, these situations only come across once in a blue moon, but boy would I love to be able to snap back when they do! Childish, I know, but we've all been there! So best wishes to all, and thank you for your thoughts!!!

    seviya

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    while most can appreciate my decision, i have lost a ton of weight and am back to my happy yet cynical self, i still get the question of calcium, protein, iron blah .... when people actually care, i give them a definition of what i eat (greens are so high in calcium) but usually i ask them if they know what their intake of calcium, protein, and iron is. that usually shuts them up. if it doesn't i go into the junk they eat that i don't, fast food is so easy to rip apart.

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    that wasn't witty at all
    let's here some

  4. #4
    Seaside
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I remember when a troll came here and asked for money to stop him from eating meat, and I told him on the contrary, I would hate to see the colostomy bag industry go bankrupt on account of lack of colon cancer patients, so keep on eating! He was a nasty troll though, and the whole thread got deleted.

  5. #5
    Seaside
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I can't remember the thread its on, but to those who claim that plants feel pain, I told someone to say "Let's make a deal. If you promise to watch a video of what goes on in a slaughterhouse, I'll watch a video of a strawberry harvest." I remember a few folks liking that one.

  6. #6
    treehugga's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I like those Seaside.

    I'm not very good at witty comebacks, I usually just say if you don't want me to lecture you on eating meat don't lecture me.

    I wish I could think of soemthing funny to say.

  7. #7
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I still love this answer I got off this forum or another (can't remember for sure):

    Idiot: So, then what DO you eat?!
    Me: Anything that doesn't take a dump.

    I LOVE that one about the strawberry harvest! I'm going to have to remember that one!

  8. #8
    Vote VBB veganbikerboy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I was at a works Christmas meal, when a guy at the other end of the table shouted over the top of everybody "are u sure you don't want some of my juicy steak rather than those veges"

    silence

    i replied "i hope you enjoy the heart disease that comes as a compulsory desert"

    I then raised a toast to the guy's heart disease

    fortunatley, everybody laughed with me at him
    I dont get crunchy people?

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    This one's not very witty, but I've used it a couple of times.

    Mr. Annoying: Why don't you eat meat?
    Me: Probably the same reasons you don't eat human.

    Caution! This usually leads to the infamous "but animals don't have feelings" or the "but animals are raised for food" comment

  10. #10
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    .... if you are healthy/young and a braggart: I don't eat meat 'cause I prefer a violent death; (choose one) I will be shot by a jealous husband at 80/ I am so healthy they will have to beat me to death with sticks/ I will drown racing my grandkids across the lake

    the rest of my comebacks would probably get censored. I have a domain name sandmonkey.info where (if and when) I will list and pliagerise all good responses!
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  11. #11
    Good sperm
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    How about 'get outta my sight you ignorant dickweed before I jam my fist in your eye'
    Always works for me

  12. #12
    tabitha
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote absentmindedfan
    How about 'get outta my sight you ignorant dickweed before I jam my fist in your eye'
    Always works for me
    I like it....subtle and eloquent

  13. #13
    feral
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    lololol love those pat sommer!

    I told my friend if anyone asked me why I was vegan with that narky tone to their voice I would simply fix them with the hard stare and reply "because I like to feel superior".. mind you it has to be done with the hard 'I'm not 100% pacifist' stare.

  14. #14
    DancingWillow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Seaside, I really like the strawberry harvest comeback

    I remember someone on this forum sharing this one: they asked if the food had dairy in it, and the waiter/waitress said, "Are you lactose intolerant?" and the VF member said, "No, I'm cruelty intolerant!" I love that one
    You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
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  15. #15
    sugarmouse
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    love them all! i havent ever lost an argument.or had one come to think of that.only idiots tend to argue.
    meat ad dairy eating is just lunacy to me.and i can rip ppl to bits abotu it easily .cos i know it is right.

    i

  16. #16
    seviya's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    These are absolutely wonderful!!!!! I can't wait to use them!! heehee I especially love the one about not eating things that take poos and also the one about not eating humans. People can be so unbelievably blind!!!!!! But we already know that.

    Please keep them coming, I love this!!!!!!

  17. #17
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Got this one from someone when I told him the strawberry harvest one.

    Idiot: Don't you think that plants have feelings, too...that they feel pain?
    Someone: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?

  18. #18
    treehugga's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I like that. I will memorise it every day cuase unfortunatly I know I'll get a chance to use it.

    This thread is really helpful, I feel so disempowered by others negativity sometimes. It's nice to have a comeback.

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Klutz
    Got this one from my boyfriend when I told him the strawberry harvest one.

    Idiot: Don't you think that plants have feelings, too...that they feel pain?
    Mr. Wonderful: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?
    I get asked that alot too, I usually say "Because they don't have a heart!"
    ▼Laurin▼

  20. #20
    Russ
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I usually go with "gee, I thought the Holocaust was a bad thing."

  21. #21
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegans

    When asked about being vegan I sometimes invoke family: "because my great-great-grandmother was vegan, Eve; she was also a nudist, mind if I take my clothes off?" for the holier-than-thou types, you know them!
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  22. #22
    Ex-admin Korn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Klutz
    Mr. Wonderful: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?


    I wonder what people who equal killing of plants with other killing prefer: imprison everybody who has killed a plant, or release everybody with a murder sentence...

  23. #23
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Oooh, that's a good one, too, Korn!

  24. #24

    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    said in another thread, when accused of an "extreme diet"

    "yes, extremely healthy and extremely considerate of other sentient beings."

  25. #25
    Enchantress's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.

  26. #26
    Russ
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Swindon, hahahahahahahahahha. I'm not surprised. It's like redneck capital of England. I knew a couple of Muse fans from there, I wonder if it was the same people.

  27. #27
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Hehe. Hm, probably not the same people, but it was a couple of long haired teenagers called Danny (not Daniel) and Haze (or David NOT Dave).

  28. #28
    Russ
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Hmmm, no, not same people. What is it with people from Swindon having long hair and liking crappy indie rock bands.

  29. #29
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I have no idea, but I like crappy indie rock bands and have long hair, so I'm not really in any position to judge on this one .

  30. #30
    sugarmouse
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Enchantress
    I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.

    nice one enchantress
    i know i am plagerising from someones siggy here..but i rememebr often saying
    'if compassion is extreme,then quote me an extremist

  31. #31
    ph63228
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    lol some of these comebacks are great, i usually just stare at them so long they get uncomfortable and then slowly shaking my head look away, it does unsettle my freinds but i have told so many people in my 17 years of life that it gets very boring.
    keep em coming!!

    Cheers
    Bunny Hugger

  32. #32
    Moonflower tsunami's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Even if plants also feel pain, at least you cause less suffering to many less lives if you dont eat animals. Otherwise omni's hurt way more plants and animals too. Since to eat meat, a lot of plants have to be killed to feed the animals, then the animals have to be killed. So they aren't really in any position to say they dont hurt plants much. =P

    And nice comebacks!
    "None so blind as those who do not see, none so deaf as those who do not hear."

  33. #33
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    This is one I wish I'd known at the weekend when I got a grilling from a lady working at a psychic fair.
    Lady: 'But you have to eat animals to get vitamin B12'
    Me (what I'd wish I'd known in order to say then): 'As it's present in semen, and I swallow... I'm fine!'.

    http://www.jackinworld.com/library/science/semcomp.html

  34. #34
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    A few witty some rude but it works:-

    The Insult:-
    Don't be stupid your supposed to eat meat it's normal for humans, you are built for it, we are top of the food chain.

    The Witty Return:-
    Is that your breath I can smell or are you cultavating a bit of rotting flesh between your teeth.

    -----

    The Insult:-
    I bet you get fed up eating veg all the time don't you miss meat.

    The Witty Return:-
    It's a thankless job, but I've got a long healty life to look forward to and all the time in the world to enjoy eating them in various ways.

    -----

    The Insult:-
    Ye but you look the type to be vegan.

    The Witty Return:-
    Hold it just their (look at the persons mouth) I'm visualizing duct tape over your mouth.

    -----

    The Insult:-

    Any insult about your diet just say:-

    The Witty Return:-
    You are validating my inherent mistrust of meat eaters.

    -----

    A few others that can be used in various circumstances

    *If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
    *I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
    *Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams

  35. #35
    Kiran's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I love those Jaydog!! Nice ones.
    Life is like a boomerang: What goes around comes around - "Karma"rocks!

  36. #36
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote jaydog
    *Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
    That made me laugh! Wonder if I ever dare say that...not that anyone gives me grief about my choices.
    "Do what you can with what you have where you are."
    - Theodore Roosevelt

  37. #37
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Enchantress
    I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.
    My 21 year old sister always uses this argument (always says something like: "You only live once so you might as well not limit yourself to vegetables?") but I point out that animals only live once as well and besides, I *like* eating vegetables (actually, it's more that I like that I don't eat meat). Sorry, that's not witty but it's a good response.

    When someone asks if you're vegan because you love animals just say "No, I'm vegan because I hate plants (kill them ALLL)."

  38. #38

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Has anybody heard about a fruitarian? My friend told me that there's people who believe that fruit is alive just like animals so they will only eat food when it has fallen from the plant or tree.
    ▼Laurin▼

  39. #39
    DancingWillow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote laurin
    Has anybody heard about a fruitarian? My friend told me that there's people who believe that fruit is alive just like animals so they will only eat food when it has fallen from the plant or tree.
    Yes, there is such a thing as a fruitarian. There's a thread discussing fruitarianism here:
    http://veganforum.com/forums/showthr...ght=fruitarian
    You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
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  40. #40

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Thanks!
    ▼Laurin▼

  41. #41
    SaveTheAnimals
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    i usually slip them a copy of "meet your meat" that will shut them up.

  42. #42

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote applecrumble
    said in another thread, when accused of an "extreme diet"

    "yes, extremely healthy and extremely considerate of other sentient beings."
    Love it!!!

  43. #43
    Pilaf
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Lately, I've taken to being very silly and not at all serious about arguing. I often tell them I've vegan because the leprechauns tell me to be, or that it makes me gifted in the areas of lovemaking.

  44. #44
    veganja
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Anyone see the t-shirt that says this...

    VEGANS MAKE GREAT LOVERS

    Pity you aren't one!

  45. #45

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    My Mother asked me about drinking milk... so I asked her if she would drink another woman's breast milk. Of course when she said no, I asked her why she would be willing to drink from a cow then.

    Perhaps this isn't witty, but it still made her think about what she was actually doing.

  46. #46
    Sheila's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    kristymae,

    I always love the milk argument!

    Them: Why don’t you drink milk, it’s so good for you?
    Me: (With the you are stupid look on my face and very flat, matter of fact tone) No it’s not. It’s filled with pus, hormones, fat and is completely unnatural to ingest. Why would anyone drink something that gross?
    Them: Everybody drinks it.
    Me: Would you drink the milk from a rat?
    Them: (Stupid look on face and speechless)
    "Take the path of least harm"

  47. #47
    Blueshark
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Lol thats funny. I love those remarks which show the ritual as the farce and absurdity that it really is

  48. #48
    Sheila's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Blueshark,
    The ritual as the farce is wonderful. That reminds me of Thanksgiving. I do love that holiday and I really enjoy my Tofurky!

    Last Thanksgiving everyone could not believe that I would not eat turkey. It's tradition, blah, blah, blah....

    So I in my mature adult way would tell them that I refused to eat the mascot. Then asked them were they going to grill Santa for Xmas or roast the Easter Bunny? They didn't find humor in that.

    Sheila
    "Take the path of least harm"

  49. #49
    Blueshark
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I got you now.

    Also your signature cracks me up - not sure if it supposed to

  50. #50

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I honestly don't even bother most of the time when people question/challenge me about my eating habits. They don't really care anyway, so why should I explain myself.

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