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Thread: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

  1. #151

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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote seviya View Post
    Hallo all! I'm very excited to have just joined the forum!

    After a big-time ephiphany (aided by Fast Food Nation), I've been a happy vegan for (all of) six months. I'm not preachy, but at family get-togethers and at school (I'm a law student), the fact that I don't eat meat, dairy, or eggs sometimes comes up. Now, I don't give a flying patootie about what other people think about me, or about my choices - but sometimes (and you all know what I mean) I want to totally slap someone silly with my response. The old "raising and slaughterhouse conditions, animals are our friends, health concerns, and general ickiness" just sometimes doesn't fly!! I know these are good reasons, but to someone who isn't vegan, such reasons rarely make any sense! Plus they usually raise the "vegan preacher" defenses, and the people refuse to listen to a word.

    So here's my question: do any of you have any fantastic, witty comebacks for the annoying dork who sometimes sneers, "You don't eat meat?" or the equivalent, "What are you, some kind of freak?"

    Happily, these situations only come across once in a blue moon, but boy would I love to be able to snap back when they do! Childish, I know, but we've all been there! So best wishes to all, and thank you for your thoughts!!!

    seviya
    The one I normally save for these situations is, 'you seem to be assuming that I actually give a s##t what you think' you can replace 'give a s##t' with 'care' in polite circles. Said in a light friendly tone to friends or in any tome you fancy to the fat t##ts who seem to ask me.

    My all time favourite is 'they say eating meat takes ten years off your life, can I get you another beefburger??'

  2. #152
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Also: "...don't eat meat?!" No, I bury dead meat not eat it.

    "...some kind of freak?" Ya, I'ma freak and your really ordinary.
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  3. #153
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    That's right! And who wants to be ordinary ??? Not me!

  4. #154
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    Quote puca View Post
    Somebody said to me that veganism is a lifestyle choice and if I make it a moral one then it makes me a zealot, makes me superior and alienates people. If I subscribe to veganism because I believe that it is moral to do so then that means I am criminalising him as a meat eater and am putting myself on a pedestool.

    I didn't really know how to reply to that because I've never preached at anybody or claimed myself to be superior nor do I understand that I am acting like omnis are below me.

    How can I come back to that because I really don't see the logic in that as an intelligent argument?

    I didn't even talk about morals... I put up a link about famous veg*ns and said who were my favourites. Somebody mentioned the environment and I said that maybe environmentalism would be a better way to promote it as a lot of people don't really want to hear about animal welfare or animal rights. Which to be fair is true in my experience.

    It actually hurt me a it because he said that something I wrote on facebook had alienated a lot of people I know (who actually discusses what other people put on Facebook? And I couldn't see how it was offensive, I have even had friends saying it wasn't)... Now I wonder if some of my mates hate me, or if he's been stirring trouble.
    tell the twat to stop preaching anti-veganism to you.

    If he's saying things like that he'd putting himself on a pedestal by telling YOU what YOU think like he's so clever he can suss you out.

    Tell him if he's an omni for moral reasons, then it's exactly the same. But no one would be an omni for moral reasons, as it's WRONG.

  5. #155
    littlewinker
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    "open your ignorant mind and shut your ignorant gob"

  6. #156
    Karma Junkie vava's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote littlewinker View Post
    "open your ignorant mind and shut your ignorant gob"
    i love it!

  7. #157
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Haha! Me too!

  8. #158
    littlewinker
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    yay I'm glad people likes it

    I've thought some more since reading this thread it's been so helpful

    I think I'll say when someone nexts scoffs "why are you a vegan?"

    "Why are you a meat eater? As keeping livestock is a bigger cause of global warming than all of the worlds transport including flying, and dozens of billions of animals are killed a year for no other reason than peoples greed, you need to justify your contributing to it, not me."

    Look long written down but only a couple of second if you say it. Or you can put 2 other fact in instead of them, but include a "green" reason as it's taken more seriously than animal rights.

    This one's good:

    "why are you a meat eater? you justify contributing to an industry that feeds livestock enough grain to feed 250 million people in the UK alone while 30 million people starve. I don't need to justify myself."

    here's a whole load of facts:

    http://www.energygrid.com/animals/veg101.html

  9. #159
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I think it was AMF who first mentioned the one about the strawberry harvest a long time ago. I've actually used it and it's shut some people right up!

    So when someone says "Well, you eat plants and plants have feelings too".

    Then you can say "Well, let's watch a video of a strawberry harvest and then lets watch a video of some cows being slaughtered, and THEN we can talk about that".

  10. #160
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    up on a pedestal, eh?
    Tell him you climbed up there for safety from the flesh-eating zombies all around you. We taste just like pork after all......
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  11. #161

    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote pat sommer View Post
    up on a pedestal, eh?
    Tell him you climbed up there for safety from the flesh-eating zombies all around you. We taste just like pork after all......

  12. #162
    Metal Head emzy1985's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I got a comment about being self riteous the other day. I kindly explained that there was nothing self riteous about being in a world where all you are trying to do is save lives and where there are people like him who bash vegans on a daily basis.

    Also not really a comeback but my housemate goes to me:

    Nikki: Emz can you cook me dinner cuz I can't be bothered?
    Emz: Yeh ok I'm having steamed brocolli and a few twigs, that ok for you?

    She recently commented that I don't eat anything, although she always seems interested in what I eat. Also I ain't cooking her omni ass shit. She brought MacDonalds home the other day and stunk the house out with the stench of murder.
    The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life.

  13. #163
    Queen of Beans dreamqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote pat sommer View Post
    up on a pedestal, eh?
    Tell him you climbed up there for safety from the flesh-eating zombies all around you. We taste just like pork after all......
    Haha, perfect.
    Check out the Toronto Vegetarian Podcast at veg.ca/tvp !

  14. #164
    littlewinker
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    if someone says you're being self righteous without you actually doing anything to suggest you think that, they must know deep down you're doing the right thing and are looking out for you being smug about it!

  15. #165
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I haven't used this before but I think it might shut someone up.

    Idiot: Eating meat is my right blah blah animals don't know/care/understand they're being killed blah blah

    Me: If a pig said to you, "Please don't eat me - I would like to live out my life naturally", would you still kill and eat it?

    [at this point it relies on the idiot saying no, or at least looking uncomfortable. If they did neither I'd probably give up on them as a completely inhumane moron and walk off]

    Me: So, what do you think they pig's screaming means as it begins the slaughtering process?

    OR

    Me: So, I presume you don't understand [insert name of language they don't know] - does that mean you'd kill and eat someone from that culture?

    OR

    Me: Does that mean you'd kill and eat a baby? It couldn't tell you it doesn't want to die.

    OR

    Me: So, you're so arrogant that you believe that anything that not expressed in a language YOU understand isn't valid. Let's hope that a predator that doesn't understand YOUR language is more open minded.


  16. #166
    littlewinker
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    I hate the stupid "rights and responsibilities" argument it's sooo pointless

    (for those who haven't heard it yet some thick omnis say for animals to have rights they need to have responsibilities ie food and fur)

    "so you believe in baby-killing then? they don't have any responsibilities"

  17. #167
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    Why be so elaborate... a simple "Because I don't want to" is enough for me.

    That usually will end it. Unless the other individual insists on bordering on the grotesque. To which I simply smile and reply, "I have no moral objections to your desire to eat meat. I'm pro-choice, Baby, why aren't you?"

    I guess people are conditioned to think that being omnivorous is the answer to a fulfilling and healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, I'm not here to cause controversy, nor am I interested in humoring someone's attempt to be provocative.

    "Don't you wish you could eat something else instead of just those vegetables?"
    "I would LOVE to eat something else. A large bbq's portabello mushroom with tahini sauce on a hamburger bun, couscous with diced spring veggies and fresh parsely, kale salad with shredded beets and carrots, gnocchi with a lemon garlic sauce or heck even a meager veggie dog would be awesome. However, you only are currently offering boiled veggies and undressed lettuce as your vegetarian options. Just because you don't know how to cook, doesn't mean that I don't. Trust me, I like the bland over cooked vegetables as much as you do. But, any port in a storm, right? Bon Appetit!"


  18. #168
    RubyDuby
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote karmacake View Post
    "I have no moral objections to your desire to eat meat. I'm pro-choice, Baby, why aren't you?"
    I morally object to meat eating, but mostly feel sad for their ignorance cuz mostly these are good ppl...

    Quote karmacake View Post
    "I would LOVE to eat something else. A large bbq's portabello mushroom with tahini sauce on a hamburger bun, couscous with diced spring veggies and fresh parsely, kale salad with shredded beets and carrots, gnocchi with a lemon garlic sauce or heck even a meager veggie dog would be awesome.
    ur making me hungry... I love it. I'm going to use this tactic on anyone asking that silly question, or anytime they say, "I could never go without ___. I would starve."
    Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

  19. #169
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Re: "could never go without..."

    Retort: Ya, I used to think I could never go without my [binkie/blanket/cuddly toy] but I outgrew that too...

    All purpose responses to vegan criticism:

    I am exercising my right as a citizen of a free country to [live as I choose/express my opinion]; got a problem with that?

    or

    Just following my moral compass

    When that won't do, I have been known to resort to:

    You don't get an arse like that from tofu and broccoli!
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  20. #170
    Metal Head emzy1985's Avatar
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    Quote pat sommer View Post

    You don't get an arse like that from tofu and broccoli!
    The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life.

  21. #171
    enderbean
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote karmacake View Post
    Why be so elaborate... a simple "Because I don't want to" is enough for me.

    That usually will end it. Unless the other individual insists on bordering on the grotesque. To which I simply smile and reply, "I have no moral objections to your desire to eat meat. I'm pro-choice, Baby, why aren't you?"

    I guess people are conditioned to think that being omnivorous is the answer to a fulfilling and healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, I'm not here to cause controversy, nor am I interested in humoring someone's attempt to be provocative.

    "Don't you wish you could eat something else instead of just those vegetables?"
    "I would LOVE to eat something else. A large bbq's portabello mushroom with tahini sauce on a hamburger bun, couscous with diced spring veggies and fresh parsely, kale salad with shredded beets and carrots, gnocchi with a lemon garlic sauce or heck even a meager veggie dog would be awesome. However, you only are currently offering boiled veggies and undressed lettuce as your vegetarian options. Just because you don't know how to cook, doesn't mean that I don't. Trust me, I like the bland over cooked vegetables as much as you do. But, any port in a storm, right? Bon Appetit!"


    I love the "any port in a storm" bit!

    I'm newly vegan so for now I'm going to stick with "because I wanna" or for questions about not eating meat "because I prefer not to." It doesn't kill them whether or not I eat meat/animal products, and frankly, it doesn't kill the animals either. Though if they're truly interested and not just trying to invoke an argument (as when I asked vegans before I turned) I'll have no problem explaining, because that shows an open mind and I can only deal with people who can listen.

    Though I'll probably use the "because I hate plants" argument if I'm feeling silly. Or one of my other favorites from early in the thread "I don't eat meat because I prefer a violent death."

  22. #172
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote enderbean View Post
    I'm newly vegan so for now I'm going to stick with "because I wanna" or for questions about not eating meat "because I prefer not to."
    I have been vegan for a little bit more than 4 years, and I still sometimes use those comebacks. There are times when I really just can't be bothered with the smart-arses who are looking for me to take their bait.

  23. #173
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    When asked just what do I eat, my favorite answer by far is, "I eat anything that doesn't poop." I love the looks on people's faces as they process that!

  24. #174
    RubyDuby
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    hehe, funny. "or comes from something that poops"
    Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

  25. #175
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Yeah, I add that if necessary. Generally, people are too busy mentally organizing that day's meals into what does and doesn't poop and getting grossed out to say, "But eggs don't poop."

  26. #176
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    ....eggs are poop. Or that far from it (hand gesturing 1/4 inch).
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  27. #177

    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    It always amuses me when someone asks me what i eat, especially as they know the definition of Veganism. I usually just say 'food'.

  28. #178
    Tin-Tin
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    the problem i get with saying that
    is that people usually then go all "plant" attack on me and say things along the lines of
    "but plants excrete"
    and then yeah, its obvious theyre just being idiots
    but somehow they seem really serious and act as if they truely believe that plants excretion is anything similar to an animals

    ahwell i guess you could then talk about how some plants excrete glucose, but then its not very witty and turning into a science lesson

    hmmm . . . ahwell, its still a good comeback if your not talking to a COMPLETE idiot =D

  29. #179
    Oklahoma!!! Klutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote pat sommer View Post
    ....eggs are poop. Or that far from it (hand gesturing 1/4 inch).
    Hahahhahahaha~! I'll have to remember that one. If I ever get into it with someone over eggs, I sometimes tell them that I'm not into eating my own menstruation products, so why would I eat the chicken's?

  30. #180
    sugarmouse
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    Quote Klutz View Post
    Hahahhahahaha~! I'll have to remember that one. If I ever get into it with someone over eggs, I sometimes tell them that I'm not into eating my own menstruation products, so why would I eat the chicken's?
    I say that too klutz,or somethin similar like 'Theyre a chickens period. I want to know who saw a chikcnn popping one out and thought 'Yum!dinner!'

  31. #181
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    from another thread:

    ...but vegetables have lives too

    Tasty lives. After your massive meat-induced stroke, when you become a vegetable, I think I would serve you with Merlot and some fava beans.... (hannibal Lector sucking noises).
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  32. #182
    Queen of Beans dreamqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote pat sommer View Post
    ....eggs are poop. Or that far from it (hand gesturing 1/4 inch).
    Eggs = your daily serving of delicious menstrual product!
    Check out the Toronto Vegetarian Podcast at veg.ca/tvp !

  33. #183
    sugarmouse
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    Quote pat sommer View Post
    from another thread:

    ...but vegetables have lives too

    Tasty lives. After your massive meat-induced stroke, when you become a vegetable, I think I would serve you with Merlot and some fava beans.... (hannibal Lector sucking noises).
    that one, my friend, is now my new comeback

  34. #184
    Haniska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    "Because I don't have to."
    it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble

  35. #185
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    another multi-use comeback:

    Is that why you wear glasses (contacts)? You have limited vision.
    Last edited by pat sommer; May 8th, 2008 at 03:31 PM. Reason: spelling
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  36. #186
    AR Activist Roxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    My girlfriend and I were talking about making vegan TV ads. Here's one of the ideas we came up with:

    Girl wakes up bright and early and a sunny morning on the farm, takes her little wicker basket, and heads out to the barn to collect the morning eggs.

    Barn is actually an outhouse.

    Girl opens up the door, and instead of a hen sitting on her eggs, there's a woman sitting on the outhouse toilet.

    Girl goes in to grab the "eggs" and instead retrieves a used tampon and pops it in her basket.

    Gross! But would really make some people think!!

  37. #187
    Mmmbop cruelkitti's Avatar
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    Fantastic!! I love it.

    I often wish that there were commercials advertising veganism, it seems as though some of these animal rights groups would have enough money to make one or two (especially PETA)...

    I think it'd be a very effective and worthy expense. I realize there are commercials, but you have to hunt them on youtube...I want to see them on television daily...
    ...take it to the bridge...

  38. #188

    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I like to use "f*ck off". Not very witty, but effective.
    ..but what would they do with all the cows?..

  39. #189
    Metal Head emzy1985's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Roxy View Post
    My girlfriend and I were talking about making vegan TV ads. Here's one of the ideas we came up with:

    Girl wakes up bright and early and a sunny morning on the farm, takes her little wicker basket, and heads out to the barn to collect the morning eggs.

    Barn is actually an outhouse.

    Girl opens up the door, and instead of a hen sitting on her eggs, there's a woman sitting on the outhouse toilet.

    Girl goes in to grab the "eggs" and instead retrieves a used tampon and pops it in her basket.

    Gross! But would really make some people think!!


    Maybe you should draw up a cartoon strip! That would be great! (Btw on a side note Roxy I thought you were with a guy? Do you mean your mate who is a girl? CONFUSED OR maybe just wishful thinking that you have returned to the dark side hehe )
    The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life.

  40. #190
    Fictional mogthecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I just stumbled across this: http://www.vegsource.com/how_to_win.htm. If factually correct (I'm no expert) it's a good source of useful facts.

    Edit: Ah - I've just seen at the bottom that the source is 'Diet for a New America' which I haven't read yet but is obviously trustworthy & most vegans seem to have read

  41. #191
    scotch&dry
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    I told this story in another thread, and it's not really all that witty, but I had a friend say "I don't understand vayguns", to which I replied with "that's because you're not literate. It's VEGAN" she just laughed, so no harm done :P

  42. #192
    Metal Head emzy1985's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Hehe that is quite funny and very witty imo! Well done!!!
    The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life.

  43. #193
    His Sinfulness Linus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote emzy1985 View Post
    Maybe you should draw up a cartoon strip!
    It just so happens that my housemate and I have a webcomic that plays with vegetarian and vegan issues from time to time...

    This one...
    And this one...

    And this one is for the Vegan/Big Lebowski fans...

  44. #194
    Pale & skinny Big Good Wolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    "How did you get to be so big, being a vegan ?"

    "How did you get to be a manager, being so stupid ?"

  45. #195
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    Quote Linus View Post
    It just so happens that my housemate and I have a webcomic that plays with vegetarian and vegan issues from time to time...

    This one...
    And this one...

    And this one is for the Vegan/Big Lebowski fans...
    Hehe, one that appeals to me as a vegan, and fan of The Dude? Awesome!
    Czujesz się wolny i robisz co chcesz. Jesteś piratem!

  46. #196
    puca
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    My favourite comesbacks include:

    "And your point is?"

    "So?"

    "Why should I care what you think? This is MY life."

    "At what point did I ask your opinion?"

    And did I mention...

    "And your point is?"

  47. #197
    puca
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    Quote littlewinker View Post
    if someone says you're being self righteous without you actually doing anything to suggest you think that, they must know deep down you're doing the right thing and are looking out for you being smug about it!
    Hahahahaha

    I get this A LOT.

    I couldn't care less what people think, I don't shout out about being vegan, I don't ask people's opinions, or validations for my beliefs and lifestyle...

  48. #198
    Zorillo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    meat eater: " Vegans seem to have no energy, so it can't be healthy"

    vegan:" I've known various people with heart disease, so it must be the meat"

    :P

  49. #199
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    OMG!! I love these, they're BRILLIANT.

    I'm sooo using these <3.

    Oh, I guess I should add one:

    Omni: How could you survive without meat?
    Me: Gee, you must be right! If I don't eat meat I'll die! Since I've not eaten any in three years, I guess that makes me a zombie. Braaaaaaiiiins!!! -make scary gestures and gnash teeth-

    Omni: Oh, I could never be vegan!
    Me: Hmm.. wanna know a secret?
    Omni: Whut?
    Me: Virtually every vegan, at some point in their lives, said to themselves 'I could never be vegan'.

  50. #200
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    Default Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    I don't even know what to say to my co-workers, etc., who simply roll their eyes and call me a hippy. They've clearly made up their minds about my choice. No changing that.

    But when someone does ask me: "You've given up so much stuff that's sooo good, isn't that hard? What a sacrifice."

    I say: "Yeah, well, it isn't about me."

    That usually shuts 'em up.

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