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Thread: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

  1. #301
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    for the "we're just part of the cycle of life/foodchain" argument:
    Yes, we fufil the role of scavengers and parasites, how nobel.
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  2. #302
    tombenarye1234
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    not mere parasite. an ultra-developed virus. something more devious than the Parasitoid wasp.

  3. #303
    patientia
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    When I told my doctor I was a vegetarian (just a vegetarian back then) and that I didn't eat fish:
    - But where do you get your protein?
    - From barley.
    She never asked me anything about vegetarianism again

    - If you were on a desert island with a pig and another human, who would you eat?
    - Whoever pisses me off first.

    When they find out I'm childfree and pro-choice:
    - How come you're a vegan and you would kill your baybee?
    - I'd kill a chicken, too, if it nested in my womb.

    A RL troll:
    - Cosmetics are tested on rats.
    - Rats are more intelligent than many humans, you know. (implying that they are more intelligent than him, of course)

    Typical discussion with an internet troll:
    - Plants don't have protein.
    I say look at the USDA database how much protein in in tofu for example.
    - Yes, but there are no amino acids.
    - How come, amino acids constitute proteins.
    - Yes, but only meat contains essential amino acids.
    - Which essential amino acid is not present in other food?
    - I don't know, but I know that not all are present.
    - No, really, which one of these amino acids is not present in other food: phenylalanine, valine, threonine, leucine, isoleucine, lysine, methionine, tryptofan, and two essential only during growth: arginine anad hystidine.
    - I don't know, but definitely not all are present.
    I give him link to nutritiondata.com where he can check the amount of aminoacids in most foods, he tries googling and triumphantly yells:
    - There's no taurine!!!11!!
    - Taurine can't be an essential amino acid, because it's not an amino acid, and besides, it's not essential for humans, but for cats.

  4. #304

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote Linxie View Post
    This is not exactly about veganism, but last weekend my boyfriend made a quip about placing a bet on the grand national (probably just to wind me up) so I said "Why don't we go to the bookies together and place a bet on how many horses will die this year, I wonder what odds they will give us on that!". That shut him up
    Reminds me about horse sense - that intelligence that tells them to never bet on humans.
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

  5. #305
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Probably been said before, but when I get asked "what about the lettuces dont they feel pain too?" which numpties always say as a joke, I just pretend to get upset and say I care passionately about lettuces too. It really unnerves folk... after 32 years listening to that, from classroom to workplace its the only thing Ive found that shuts them up.

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    Talking Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I have enjoyed myself immensely reading all of the witty vegan comebacks and one-liners. I especially like the one about us vegans getting our protein from eating sperm.

    I usually answer by saying: "Ponder this. Human animals are the only mammals that drink milk for the rest of their lives, and the milk they drink is from another species." I usually get silence after saying that. I continue by saying (I can't help myself) "You should be drinking milk from factory farms filled with pregnant human women, where they get milked 3 times a day. Then, after they give birth, their baby is taken away and if it is a girl, it will live, but if it is a boy, it most likely will be sent to slaughter. And to make matters worse, after a couple of months, they get pregnant again, but artificially, not by enjoyable sex".
    All about the animals, Lucia

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    witty vegan comebacks are the best, especially when you surprise yourself.
    for example; i was having a family meal where bread and butter was on the table, my uncle had "i can believe its not butter" and i had a sunflower spread, he turned his nose up at my sunflower spread saying it was pretending to be butter, I pointed out his was pretending to be butter- I had sunflower spread.
    He didn't say much after that.

  8. #308

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Another one is when non-vegans say "Plants are living things too". My response: "Plants do not have a nervous system". Duh!
    All about the animals, Lucia

  9. #309
    patientia
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    My answer is:
    "Plants can't feel pain by definition because they don't have:
    - nociceptors
    - peripheral nervous system
    - central nervous system"

    But what am I supposed to say when people claim that plants communicate telepathically because when a giraffe starts eating some bush, all other bushes start secreting poisoning chemicals? Or that plants feel because they react to stimuli? Or that a plant knows when a person is about to cut it. Why, oh why, do people buy into superstition and pseudoscience?

  10. #310
    Mahk
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    ^ Answer: anthropomorphism.

  11. #311
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    Thanks for all the ideas! I think I've decided to go with this approach!

    Poo-head: "Why are you vegan?"
    Moi: "Why are you a meat eater?"
    Poo-head: "Coz it tastes good"
    Moi: "Oh, I've got like 50 reasons why I'm vegan, I guess I researched the issue more!"

    It really annoys me getting into arguments with meatheads, because you have spent a large amount of time like researching and thinking about your choice of lifestyle regarding veganism and they obviously haven't but still feel that they know whats best because its what the majority thinks is norm!

    That reminds me of an awesome tshirt I saw in a catalogue! "Whenever you find yourself on the side of majority, it is time to pause and reflect!"

  12. #312
    RubyDuby
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I like it ^
    Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote Tishy View Post
    That reminds me of an awesome tshirt I saw in a catalogue! "Whenever you find yourself on the side of majority, it is time to pause and reflect!"
    I LOVE that.

  14. #314

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Hi this is my first post

    I've only been vegan for a few months now...but ive already gotten a bunch of stupid sh*t from meat eaters. The most common so far is...

    "Most people eat meat, why dont you?"

    I usually respond with "Most people in America are overweight, hmmmm i wonder why?"

    Not very funny or clever but they usually stop the arguement/questions after that. Of course if they are actually interested I will share my many reasons for converting. I read every post in this thread while at work today....so many nice quotes i can use
    Last edited by brad3104; Jan 19th, 2010 at 10:35 AM.

  15. #315
    Fervent vegan DiaShel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    ^ Well welcome and congrates on the change. That's a good simple reply that most people can relate too. Nice!
    "To reduce suffering means to reduce the amount of ignorance, the basic affliction with us." -Thich Nhat Hanh

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Had this conversation with my dad the other day. We were flipping channels on the TV and we came to this weird show where this guy is showing you all the things you can do with eggs (and not just cooking either). "You can eat them, or use them for this, or this or this!"

    Me: "Or you could just let the hens keep them."
    Dad: " 'let the hens keep them'? Seriously?"
    Me: "Well yeah, you know what eggs are right?"
    Dad: "What?"
    Me: "Unfertilized eggs. You know, hen periods."
    Dad: "'Hen periods?!' I can't believe you just said that."


  17. #317
    Mahk
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    ^ For breakfast you could say,"Dad, would you like a glass of bovine teat secretion to go with your scrambled bird menstruation and pig intestine links?"

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    ^

  19. #319
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    mmmm, animal flesh stuffed into its own sewer pipes.

    And, Brad, how about I'm not everybody/most people? Oh, I guess that sounds like my mother....
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  20. #320
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I mentioned this to someone on another forum the other day, not sure how well it would work in real life.

    Someone says:

    'Oh, so what do you eat?'

    'Well there's this huge cookbook called the Veganomicon, it's a shame it's so heavy else I'd carry it around, so that when people asked me that question I could throw it in their face.'
    There’s a statue that the abattoir erected to remind us all of their contributions. To me it marks Potemkin City Limits, this Francis cast in bronze.

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote Tishy View Post
    That reminds me of an awesome tshirt I saw in a catalogue! "Whenever you find yourself on the side of majority, it is time to pause and reflect!"
    That's a great quote! Do you remember what catalog it was in?


  22. #322
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    recently i saw a very big bloke, he was very tall, over 6 foot and erm wasnt fat but not skinny lol very muscley, he had a tshirt on saying 'skinny pale vegan'

    wouldnt work for me as i am skinny and pale but thats just my natural form

  23. #323
    buttons's Avatar
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    Quote Hel View Post
    recently i saw a very big bloke, he was very tall, over 6 foot and erm wasnt fat but not skinny lol very muscley, he had a tshirt on saying 'skinny pale vegan'

    wouldnt work for me as i am skinny and pale but thats just my natural form
    Ooh, I might get one of those - but I'm not sure my lack of utter skinniness would be seen as a good thing!
    "Keep your friends close and your enemies so close... you're almost kissing."

  24. #324
    Metal Head emzy1985's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I love stuff like that! Hehe!
    The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life.

  25. #325

    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I got into a discussion about milk and calcium the other day... Said something like : yeah it's healthy and comes from an animal huh?! So if dog chit was really nutritious would you harvest it every time your dog popped a squat on the sidewalk and dip it in your coffee?!

  26. #326
    Fervent vegan DiaShel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    What do you eat?

    Everything you do minus the bits of animals.

    Not witty, just to the point.
    "To reduce suffering means to reduce the amount of ignorance, the basic affliction with us." -Thich Nhat Hanh

  27. #327
    pat sommer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    "...I say a prayer of thanks for the animal/meat"

    And if a heroin addict robbed me but said a prayer of thanks for his hit, that would be okay then? Is it a gift from God if it's not freely given?

    "That's how they make their living" (ie animal raising)

    My grandfather was a fuller-Brush man. He evolved. (Or less charitably: they should have stayed in school and learned to read)
    the only animal ingredient in my food is cat hair

  28. #328
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    "...but I love animals" (from a meat eater)

    To which I replied: "Yeah, peodophiles say that about children".

    It may be considered irational, I was pleased with it as comebacks go!
    There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those that understand binary and those that don't.

  29. #329
    leedsveg
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    I first want to improve my running abilities before I come out with that comeback, Bunny!

    lv

  30. #330
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    Quote Bunny View Post
    "...but I love animals" (from a meat eater)

    To which I replied: "Yeah, peodophiles say that about children".

    It may be considered irational, I was pleased with it as comebacks go!
    Like like like!!!That response!sooo true!
    The greatest mistake is to do nothing because you can only do a little.

  31. #331
    Vegan Delight Essy Strudel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote Bunny View Post
    "...but I love animals" (from a meat eater)

    To which I replied: "Yeah, peodophiles say that about children".

    It may be considered irational, I was pleased with it as comebacks go!
    Oh, that's so awesome!
    Live honourably by becoming what you pretend to be. - Socrates

  32. #332
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    Quote leedsveg View Post
    I first want to improve my running abilities before I come out with that comeback, Bunny!

    lv
    haha! True.... depends who you say it to and how big they are!

    Quote Festered View Post
    Like like like!!!That response!sooo true!
    Quote Essy Strudel View Post
    Oh, that's so awesome!
    Thanks! I was pleased with it! I find it one of the most annoying arguments. Especially when people tell me they like naimals just as much as I do... ERm... no!!
    There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those that understand binary and those that don't.

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    haha... i usually just say they don't have a nervous system... but that's better.
    ~Katie
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  34. #334
    rxseeeyse
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    Quote Seaside View Post
    I can't remember the thread its on, but to those who claim that plants feel pain, I told someone to say "Let's make a deal. If you promise to watch a video of what goes on in a slaughterhouse, I'll watch a video of a strawberry harvest." I remember a few folks liking that one.
    plants do, in a different way than human or animals though. supposely they have chemical reations changing drastically with a cut...but honestly, what's the point talking about plants when we can save animals? So if plants really feel pain, then the meat eaters would have a point of eating meat? Honestly I see no logic in this. I think being a vegan is the best a person can do, so why not try instead of not trying...

  35. #335
    patientia
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    If plants could feel pain (which they can't by definition) being a fruitarian would be even better.

  36. #336
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    Quote Hel View Post
    recently i saw a very big bloke, he was very tall, over 6 foot and erm wasnt fat but not skinny lol very muscley, he had a tshirt on saying 'skinny pale vegan'


    Worcestershire's fastest veteran vegan mountain bike endurance racer with a beard.

  37. #337
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    Quote baby_vicuña View Post
    Had this conversation with my dad the other day. We were flipping channels on the TV and we came to this weird show where this guy is showing you all the things you can do with eggs (and not just cooking either). "You can eat them, or use them for this, or this or this!"

    Me: "Or you could just let the hens keep them."
    Dad: " 'let the hens keep them'? Seriously?"
    Me: "Well yeah, you know what eggs are right?"
    Dad: "What?"
    Me: "Unfertilized eggs. You know, hen periods."
    Dad: "'Hen periods?!' I can't believe you just said that."

    to be honest i can't really believe you said it either baby vicuna i am SHOCKED!

    edit: sorry i couldn't leave this post, i am also quite intrigued as to what else you can do with an egg apart from eat it :/ sounds a bit morbid to me (too much spare time on his hands perhaps)

  38. #338
    Kimberlily1983
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    Talking Re: Witty Vegan Comebacks!

    Quote Seaside View Post
    I can't remember the thread its on, but to those who claim that plants feel pain, I told someone to say "Let's make a deal. If you promise to watch a video of what goes on in a slaughterhouse, I'll watch a video of a strawberry harvest." I remember a few folks liking that one.
    I looove it, and I'm so going to use that one!

  39. #339
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Meat eater:"What do you eat?"
    Vegan:
    ~Things that don't scream as they slowly bleed to death on the slaughterhouse floor.
    ~Things that don't mourn the loss of their children when they're taken away right after being born.
    ~Things that don't come out of the nipple of another species.
    ~Things that don't come from anyone's nipple, now that I'm not a baby anymore.
    ~Things that weren't treated in a way that would merit a life sentence if done to a human.
    ~Things that don't give me heart attacks and cancer.
    ~Things I could catch and prepare with my own hands (and wouldn't mind doing so in the presence of children).
    ~Things I wouldn't mind mind being harvested in/near my backyard.
    ~Things I wouldn't mind taking kids on a field trip to see "where our food comes from."
    ~Things that weren't grown in such a way as to promote world hunger, deforestation, and pollution.
    ~Protein.
    ~Calcium.
    ~Fiber.
    ~FOOD.

    (Possibly my favorite)
    ~ANYTHING I WANT.


    I just wrote down things as I thought of them, so they're not exactly perfect and they're often generalizations. But you can edit them to suit your needs.
    "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." ~A. Whitney Brown

  40. #340
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    Quote twinkle toes View Post
    to be honest i can't really believe you said it either baby vicuna i am SHOCKED!

    edit: sorry i couldn't leave this post, i am also quite intrigued as to what else you can do with an egg apart from eat it :/ sounds a bit morbid to me (too much spare time on his hands perhaps)
    I think the hens eat them if you don't take them away? I'm not sure though.
    Ninja hug! You never saw it coming!

  41. #341

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I know this thread is about witty comebacks. I already posted my favorites.

    baby_vicuña - About chickens and their eggs. I have some rescued chickens, and they don't eat their eggs unless the egg has fallen and breaks open. Chickens have a need for calcium too, so they get it from the shells. I have 3 chickens that are determined to be mommies and I do not want to reproduce more chickens, I rather adopt or rescue. So I have to steal the eggs from under them, and they cry when I do it, and I cry inside because I am doing it, but it is for the best. The winter is coming soon and they don't need a baby to keep warm, as well as themselves.

    About eggs being fertilized. Don't be grossed out, but some eggs are already fertilized before they end up on someone's plate. I have 4 roosters that are having a ball with my hens, so believe me, lots of eggs that I steel from the wanna be mothers, and the eggs I don't have to steal but just take away, most likely are fertilized. Some chickens are sitters, and some are not. As of today, I am getting almost a carton of eggs every 2 days (15 hens). Every year the same 4 hens try to become mommies. We give our eggs away to friends and neighbors and they all say that the eggs are so much more delicious than the ones they get from the supermarket, free range or factory farmed. Duh! My eggs come from happy chickens plus their eggs taste good because they are being eaten much earlier than the eggs in the supermarket.

    Farm sanctuaries actually boil the eggs and give them back to the chickens to eat. Chickens will eat almost any kind of food. They are not vegans, like cows and goats are. I don't know about horses, but I would guess that they are vegan too. I read the pigs are not vegetarians either.
    All about the animals, Lucia

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I heard that when you feed them back the shells you have to mash them up so they don't look like their eggs. Otherwise they can and do start pecking at each others eggs?

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Hi xpecting:

    I never heard of breaking up the shells, however, it makes sense. My chickens very rarely eat the eggs, but then I collect them everyday. When is your baby due?

    By the way baby_vicuña, I wrote something in my last posting that I think was incorrect. About a chicken's egg being fertilized and eventually ending up on someone's plate - because a hen does not need a rooster to lay an egg, I would imagine most eggs would not be fertilized if they come from factory farms, but free-ranged hens could very well lay fertilzed eggs. I also read that in an egg factory farm, they do have other hens in a different area where they are used for reproducing more hens. I believe most of them are artificially inseminated, and some lucky hens do have sex with a rooster as well. If they have a baby rooster, we all know what happens to them. It is so horrible to think about. I have a pain in my chest (happens when I get sad) just typing this.
    All about the animals, Lucia

  44. #344
    ♥♥♥ Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I'm not trying to start anything, VeganLu, but why are you encouraging the eating of eggs to other people?
    Peace, love, and happiness.

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    WHAT tigerlilly? I do not encourage the eating of eggs to no one. I was just clarifying to baby_vicuña that some eggs are fertilized when purchased. I might have spoken too much about my happy chickens, but in no way am I for people eating eggs. I am vegan. Sorry you misunderstood my postings. Yes, I do give my eggs away to friends and neighbors. It is better than just throwing them out. They are going to eat eggs whether I give them free ones or they purchase them in grocery stores. They all know that I am vegan and I wish that they would follow in my foot steps, but they never will.
    All about the animals, Lucia

  46. #346

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    I might have posted this one-liner somewhere on this thread - "Human animals are the only animals that drink milk their entire life, and that milk is from another species." I don't tell them (don't want to start a war) that if human animals want to drink milk, they should have human factory farms consisting of thousands and thousands of human females who are made pregnant by artificial insemination, get pregnant again, and after they give birth to THEIR baby, the baby is taken away from them, and they are made to get pregnant again. I actually believe in everything that I wrote in this post. You might called me crazy or weird, but I really mean it about have human animal dairy farms. I also mean the same for the pregnant female horses who are used to have their urine collected for human animals' use. How about using female human animals?
    Last edited by VeganLu; Aug 6th, 2010 at 02:34 PM. Reason: typed animals twice, but I can't correct it.
    All about the animals, Lucia

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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote VeganLu View Post
    Hi xpecting:
    When is your baby due?
    Did i give the impression i was due a baby?

  48. #348
    baffled harpy's Avatar
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    Quote xpecting View Post
    Did i give the impression i was due a baby?
    Am guessing that it was an inference from your user name. Just as well it's not a reference to pregnancy otherwise you'd have had to change it when you'd had the baby, heheh.
    Last edited by harpy; Aug 6th, 2010 at 06:43 PM. Reason: syntax

  49. #349

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    I too thought you were "xpecting" a baby.
    All about the animals, Lucia

  50. #350
    Kimberlily1983
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    Default Re: Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

    Quote VeganLu View Post
    WHAT tigerlilly? I do not encourage the eating of eggs to no one. I was just clarifying to baby_vicuña that some eggs are fertilized when purchased. I might have spoken too much about my happy chickens, but in no way am I for people eating eggs. I am vegan. Sorry you misunderstood my postings. Yes, I do give my eggs away to friends and neighbors. It is better than just throwing them out. They are going to eat eggs whether I give them free ones or they purchase them in grocery stores. They all know that I am vegan and I wish that they would follow in my foot steps, but they never will.
    Do your neighbors and friends know your ethical stance regarding the eggs you're giving them? That's the only thing I'm worried about: if they don't know, they could conceivably be thinking that what the world needs is more free-range, hands-on kinds of animal exploitation, rather than supermarket stuff. In that way you could be helping to prevent them from making a switch to veganism.

    However, you say they are unlikely to make that switch anytime soon anyway - that describes most people I know as well. If they do know your ethical position, and are refusing to make such a switch, then I would say that you're conceivably doing a lot of good: every time they gets eggs from you, they don't buy factory farm eggs, etc. You're taking support away from the egg industry.

    I would find it incredibly difficult to knowingly harm the hens by taking their eggs away. However, I'm not sure there's any viable alternative, as you say. The last thing you need is more chickens to look after, and I don't suppose there's any good way to "fix" them, is there? I don't know... I know that poses an ethical dilemma as well, but I don't regret having fixed my house bunnies years ago (before I even thought of it as an ethical problem): they're much happier now, or so it seems to me anyway. Perhaps they would be happier, unfixed, in a more natural (but protected - they are domestic) setting with regular access to rabbit loving. What they have, though, is access to three rooms in a house, with only us and each other - they're both males - for company. Not being obsessed with territory marking, sex, etc. has worked to their - and our - benefit.

    Anyway, I guess those are the main points I would make to you: if your friends, etc. know where you stand, you're doing good by keeping them from supporting animal exploitation to the extent they otherwise would, and if fixing your hens is not possible (too expensive, too dangerous a procedure for hens, etc.) then you're probably doing the best thing, even though it does clearly harm them. Life is like that, we try to do the least harm we can, help out the most we can, but that doesn't always mean we can eliminate all harms, etc.

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