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Thread: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

  1. #1
    Yoggy's Avatar
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    Default Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I've been thinking a lot lately about why so many people (including me) seem to have a generally bad relationship with their father. Is this as common as it seems, or am I only seeing one side of the question because I, like most people I know, don't have a good relationship with my father?

    My parents were divorced when I was a baby, but I grew up in the same town as my father. But even as I young child I realised that he really didn't know how to treat my sister and me. He always favoured his new common-law girlfriend's daughter over us, because she was 4 years younger than me. So everytime my sister and I wanted something but our step-sister wanted something else, he always gave into her, because my sister and I were "older". I don't know what age has to do with anything . Over time he started spending less and less time with us. Whenever we went over to his house for dinner he would make us play with our step-sister in her room until supper was ready, then drive us straight home after. These days, the only thing we talk about is where he's flying to next for his job. We never talk about anything important. When I called him on Christmas day from a payphone in Thailand, he talked to me for about 15 seconds before putting me on the phone with my step-sister .

    Anyway, I guess the reason I'm bringing this up is that my boyfriend and I are definitely planning on having kids someday. He can't wait to be a father, and I don't want to see the same unfortunate outcome as I've seen with many children and their fathers. So I'd appreciate others' stories about their relationships with their fathers, if you'd like to share
    "Man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills" - Arthur Schopenhauer

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I have a pretty good relationship with my dad. Growing up, I was quite the daddy's girl and I went everywhere with him. I would also wake him up at 5am to make me breakfast and he would and stay up with me.

    I think it's sad that so many people don't have good relationships with their fathers. My parents are not divorced or seperated, so maybe that could be a reason?
    Peace, love, and happiness.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I think that if you and your partner plan on having children, it is more important how he got on with his father than how you did with yours.
    Because if any "fathering patterns" are going to show up, they will come through him as he would be the father, not you.
    Also it would be equally important how you and your partner get on!
    If that' s what you want, just trust yourselves both and things will work out for the best.
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    i have a brilliant relationship with my father, but no relationship with my mother. she was very pushy (in a really damaging way) until i was 10, and then she walked out. i have next to nothing to do with her now. my father was a hero during all that time, and has always been there for me since, through extreme illness, upset, everything. i think my relationship is good with him because he acted as both parents for me (although i didn't get the motherly influence, obviously) and i have a lot more respect for him sticking by us kids.
    maybe it's due to a parent leaving - that you can't have as much trust for them again. i'm still really stung that my mother left in the way she did and demanded so much from my father, and still won't accept she did nothing wrong.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Yoggy, I think it's great that you and your partner are reflecting on this now. I feel that even the worst relationships we have had can teach us a lot about the way we decide to do things in our own life. It's not always easy..but it is possible.

    I feel closer to my dad these days than in the past. He is a professor in electrical engineering and while he was working, doing research and teaching he had his head in the clouds..!! We would be talking to him but his eyes would be looking out in to the distance, thinking about higher things :-(
    He escaped in to this world because he himself had a very abusive father..Luckily for us my mum comes from a very strong cheery bunch who managed to help my dad break the cycle..It is possible. My dad always had trouble with showing us his emotions but these would break through in scary bursts when he listened to beautiful music etc..It was a bit frightening for us.

    Now, that he has retired he is still powering forward with various interests of his but he has mellowed soo much with age. He is much more affectionate with his grandchildren than he was with us and there is no pressure on them to suceed in the way we used to feel there was for us.

    I wish you all the best as you set out!!

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    perfect RedWellies's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    No, I didn't. He was always working, we had nothing in common and I really think he didn't know how to behave towards me. He was 40 when I was born, maybe that had something to do with it, although he seemed to be OK with my older sister.

    I felt my life started when he died. Sad but true.
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    It's probably a good sign in itself if your partner can't wait to be a father!

    I know several people who had poor or non-existent relationships with their own parents and who seem to be doing a great job of bringing up their own children. History doesn't have to repeat itself.

    Edited to add that I didn't get on that well with my own father, who was rather authoritarian, but he died when I was in my early 20s so I feel if he'd lived a bit longer we might have found more things in common.

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    Beagle Hugger scarlett's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I didn't really have a realtionship with my father, he walked out when I was 2 and I never saw him again. He left me with my deranged mother (that's a whole other story, she pretty much ruined my life) and I never forgave him for that.
    He was a pretty troubled man, and made the same mistake several times over. He married, or sometimes lived with someone, had kids and then walked out on them. He did this 6 times that I know of, so I have lots of half-brothers and sisters.

    I did contact him when I was in my early 20's and we had a rather strained relationship via the internet/phone. Sadly he died just a couple of years after I made contact.

    Although my relationship with my father and my mother was pretty terrible it hasn't affected the way that my daughter's relationship is with either myself or my husband. She adores her father (even more than me ) so don't worry too much.
    I think that because of my relationship with my parents I'm even more concious of making sure that none of their mistakes with me happen with her.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I have a fairly good relationship with my dad, the only downside is because he had a terrible upbringing, he made it his goal that his kids would have the perfect upbringing. So this makes him very critical of me and my brother but moreso me because I'm the oldest. He thinks me doing things like dyeing hair, piercings, veganism and a lot of my views in general are my way of pissing him off, it's not intended that way. Other than that we get on fairly well, better than we did during the mid to late teenage years anyways. What I do know is that he's someone who has been and is always there for me and it's something I appreciate a great deal.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I live with my dad and we get on well. We're not particularly close. I only got the chance to see him on weekends while I was a teenager, so maybe that's how we came to grow apart.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote scarlett View Post
    I didn't really have a realtionship with my father, he walked out when I was 2 and I never saw him again. He left me with my deranged mother (that's a whole other story, she pretty much ruined my life) and I never forgave him for that.
    He was a pretty troubled man, and made the same mistake several times over. He married, or sometimes lived with someone, had kids and then walked out on them. He did this 6 times that I know of, so I have lots of half-brothers and sisters.

    I did contact him when I was in my early 20's and we had a rather strained relationship via the internet/phone. Sadly he died just a couple of years after I made contact.

    Although my relationship with my father and my mother was pretty terrible it hasn't affected the way that my daughter's relationship is with either myself or my husband. She adores her father (even more than me ) so don't worry too much.
    I think that because of my relationship with my parents I'm even more concious of making sure that none of their mistakes with me happen with her.
    Sounds a lot like my experience, scarlet! My father had serious drug and emotional problems. He left when I was a baby. I was raised by my screwball mother (I had a stepfather during a brief period of stability. I adored him, but their relationship only lasted 4 years).
    I saw my dad occasionally from age 7 to age 20. The last time I saw him, I was walking down the street and walked right past him. He didn't recognize me.
    It certainly has affected my ability to have a good marriage. I am a very cold and remote person (except with my children), so I have to pretend a lot that I enjoy being with my husband. I am really trying not to pass that on to my children. They love their father, and he adores them.
    If my daughter chooses to marry when she grows up, I want very much for her to have a happy marriage. I don't want her to grow up with any "daddy issues" and end up marrying someone who treats her like a child. I want her to be able to support herself. I am encouraging her to pursue her education (she's only 7, but it's never too soon) as far as she wants to take it, so that she has the option of having a career. She wants to be an architect.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    My father left before I was even born and never got in touch (didn't leave a forwarding address either).
    Silent but deadly :p

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    On a smalltalk level yes, otherwise no.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote nervine View Post
    On a smalltalk level yes, otherwise no.
    Yep, that about sums it up for me too.
    "Man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills" - Arthur Schopenhauer

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    my dad is dead..but when alive when i was younger, highly erratic with contact, as he resented my mum for all sorts of stuff that were not her fault. (complicated and long winded). he was a chronic alcoholic and incredibly unhappy living in the U.K...he died when i was 18.

    my stepdad (who married my mum a year or so after her and my dad parted company..when i was about 4 years old) has been amazing. they're some kind of soul partners or something

    even though now i realise this, and how fabulous he's been over the last 30 years or so, it's taken time to come to this point..and for the longest time i resented him and her for being with him and not my dad and believed that he hated me also.

    girls relationships with their dads are paramount to developing healthy relationships with adult partners..it's shite that so many kids don't have this.

    (boys too, i know..i'm just going from my own all female perspective )
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I should mention that I have a generally good relationship with my step-dad. At least I don't find his company awkward like I do with my small-talking dad. We still don't talk about "personal" stuff, but then I don't talk about personal stuff with my mom either and I feel that we have a very good relationship. I supposed I'm more comfortable around my step-dad because I grew up living in the same house as him, so we're used to seeing each other with ugly messy hair in the morning, or folding our underwear in plain view, whereas with my dad I wouldn't want him to see any of that!

    Oh, and also my boyfriend has a very good relationship with his father, so I shouldn't doubt that he'll have a good relationship with his children.
    "Man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills" - Arthur Schopenhauer

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I have a very good relationship with my father. But out of the four kids in my family, I am the only one. My brothers and sister are always uncomfortable around my Dad, but get along really well with my Mom. My parents split up when I was five and the reason I got along with my Dad was because we had a lot in common. I think what's important is to have a good relationship at the very beginning, when kids are young. My Dad worked at home after my parents split up so he was always there for us and when we grew up he understood that we needed our space and was never bossy or overbearing.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I am pretty close to my dad although we argue, he's still the one that I would go to when I need a parent.My mum left when I was 5 and although I saw her regularly, our relationship has been very up and down because her leaving in effect severed our relationship as it had been up to that time. My mum had been main childcarer and my dad was a bricklayer and I probably saw a lot less of him up until that time. Of course he wasn't perfect either but I always know he'd there for me.
    I have two children who have different fathers. The older one's is a (functioning) alchoholic who doesn't come to see her and when he does contact us it's really about him wanting to see me. I find this very hard as I'm so close to my dad. Luckily my elder daughter has a strong relationship with my dad so at least has some positive male input.
    My younger daughter's dad and me split up while I was pregnant with her. But we'd been friends for years before and shared childcare between us from when she was born. She is very close to him, probably closer than to me as she gets him to herself!
    We still assume that women will be main childcarers and there is not much in the way of paternity leave in this country. If men are more often absent parents, I think it has more to do with the way that society is set up than their ability to love and nuture a child.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Not when I was a child, no, for various reasons.

    But as an adult we have a much better relationship. He's such a different person now, much more mellow and understanding. I wish it had been like this when I was growing up.

    As for letting the past affect us throughout our adult lives, I refuse to let this happen to me. My past remains firmly in the past. Bad memories are of no use to me now, so I discard them. Maybe it's denial or repression or whatever, but it works for me You can't control the past but you can make your own future.
    "Born on the same planet, Covered by the same skies..."

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    How I view my Dad, and to an extent how I treat him, has changed over the past year or so since realising that my Mum was the first bully in my life and has continued to be. Now I've realised just how toxic she is my Dad doesn't seem so bad.

    When I was growing up my Dad worked 6 or even 7 days a week to pay the bills. When he was home he was never interested in me and at the age of about 5 I realised I was smarter than him. He was never an authority figure in my life and I viewed him with a fair amount of comtempt when he tried to be. He has never told me that he loves me or that he is proud of me, and the fact that other people used to say 'your Dad's so proud of you' used to really irritate me; if he felt that way why couldn't he express it? I never had a relationship with him and I cut myself off from him emotionally because of that.

    However; since discovering my brother is a cheating lying bastard and my mother a selfish, spiteful, hurtful cow I view my Dad a lot better. He's crushed by my Mum's personality and his job (bus driver - dull and mundane) has sapped most of his brainpower day-to-day. So now I think he's not too bad, a little irritating at times but I think my view of him now is closer to the truth.

    And as for my Mother...don't get me started

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote absentmindedfan View Post
    ...and the fact that other people used to say 'your Dad's so proud of you' used to really irritate me; if he felt that way why couldn't he express it?
    This describes my relationship with my Dad very well.

    He's been dedicated to keeping the house running throughout the finantial pains we went through as a family in the late 80s and early 90s and I'm grateful for that.

    He does however have no emotional connection with anyone, and refuses to be criticized because he thinks that because his heart is in the right place he can't ever have done anything wrong. Which isn't true. He should be more critical of the way he relates to people instead of judging his personal success on less important factors.

  22. #22

    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I never got on with my father as a child as he used to scare the hell out of me with all his drinking and shouting. I hated his macho attitude; the 'you will sit at the table and eat' game at xmas (even though we never did that at any other time of the year), with the (drunken) father carves the meat. Aaargh!! .

    I used to think my mum was the hard done by one in the relationship and blameless. It's a few years since she has died and I now realise she took out her depression, her crap abusive childhood, and the frustration of having two young kids when she was only so young herself on me and my sis.

    I still hate my father and rarely communicate with him but then again he rarely communicates with me; when he does call (he now lives in the US and has remarried) he will ask Mrs vegcurry "Is he in?" As she pointed out he has never asked for me by name. I think that reflects on how he thinks of me. I was never good enough for him, never did sports, never the tough guy. The only time I ever received any praise from him was the day I got married and he actually said how proud he was of me (for the first and only time). I never even got any praise from him when I completed my degree.

    He still drinks, although less so these days. The only time I've managed to keep him in my house for longer than 30 mins, when he has come to visit...even when over from the US, is when I opened a bottle of wine or two for him.

    Do I love him or care for him? No
    Will I miss him when he's dead? No.
    Will I grieve? No.

  23. #23
    frugivorous aubergine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

    Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I'm not particularly close to either my mum or dad, for various reasons.My dad just wasn't around very much at all when I was a child, I dont think I had an actual conversation with him until I was 16. I still completely disagree with most of his view of the world, and the fact that I'm nearly 22 and he stil feels the need to belittle my views, makes it harder for me to get on with him a lot of the time as he can be really irritating and overly opinionated and predictable. But most of the time we get by, I'm really glad I don't live at home though.
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    nomad Orange-powered's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote aubergine View Post
    It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

    Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?
    yea I dont want kids at all and part of that is definitely because I don't want to be like my parents!
    "On the dance-floor I am a world class freak... Its the beat"

  26. #26
    Beagle Hugger scarlett's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote aubergine View Post
    It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

    Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?
    No, I realised when I was very young that my dad was a waste of space and my mother was an evil bitch and that I'm nothing like them.
    On the whole I have a great relationship with my daughter (apart from when she throws her teenage tantrums )

    I think that what RachelJune said is very true

    Quote RachelJune View Post
    You can't control the past but you can make your own future.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote aubergine View Post

    Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?
    No, that isn't why I don't want kids. I think I'm a very different person to my parents so I wouldn't treat my kids the same way.
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I'm terrified of turning into my mother

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote absentmindedfan View Post
    I'm terrified of turning into my mother
    Ditto although thinking about it no two people could be that mad
    Silent but deadly :p

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    Rentaghost Marrers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I know I have a lot of the bad traits my mother has and I think I would be too much like her as a parent, but that is only one of many reasons why I don't want kids.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Looking at this thread on my mac at work, the header says: "Do you have a good relationship with your fat..."

    As far as the question is concerned, Hemlock knows what my father's like... keeps disappearing off the face of the earth. (not seen for 9 months) - I suppose I miss him in a way, but he's always been a funny beggar!
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  32. #32
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    my dad i and i get along well these days, but we didnt use to. I wanted to be daddys girl as a kid, but he always favoured my older sister, took her with him to work, encouraged her to do things, and i was stuck with mum, who i never have gotten along with *winks at absentmindedfan* Dad used to coach the kids footie team, and i played so obsessivly that i broke my knee to get some attention, but no. since i moved to another country we have been getting along famously whenever we meet and have alot of fun. He is jsut very funny but listens to impostant stuff, and always keeps helping me ut of various financial panics lol i dont know, i left home aged 15, i have an odd relation to my parents, i guess

  33. #33
    Not Giving Up Pisces's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote Orange-powered View Post
    yea I dont want kids at all and part of that is definitely because I don't want to be like my parents!
    Ditto! That's one of the many reasons I choose to be childfree--despite the fact I'm the black sheep and very different from both parents, neither of which I get along with.

  34. #34
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote absentmindedfan View Post
    I'm terrified of turning into my mother
    Me too. I hope I don't slap my kids and go loose my temper every day.
    Peace, love, and happiness.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote Tigerlily View Post
    Me too. I hope I don't slap my kids and go loose my temper every day.
    My mother smacked me around on a daily basis, but I haven't once smacked my daughter in 13 years. My husband gave her a smack on the bum once and I went mad.

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote aubergine View Post
    It seems only a handful of people have really great relationships with their parents.

    Does it put anyone off having kids themselves?
    Sure did, that's why I got the snip.

  37. #37
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I had a psych evaluation a few months ago for a job, and one of the questions on the written questionaire was "My father is generally a good man". I thought about it for a second, and almost chose no! I was thinking about how racist he is (you wouldn't believe the things he says about any people from third-world countries, and about black people. We have to avoid any talk of things outside of Canada or he ends up making broad racist statements about other cultures and it really sets me off), and I was thinking about how well he treats everyone except the people in his own family, who he treats like crap. His wife is overweight and has diabetes, and once he refused to pay for her medication because he said if she would just lose 200 lbs her diabetes would disappear . So his 19 yr old daughter (my step-sister) had to buy the medication out of her rent money! He travels on the road a lot for work (he's self-employed), and ends up spending most of the money he makes on hotels and steak dinners, and sends whatever's left, which is never enough, to his wife who sits at home all day because he doesn't want her to get a "degrading" job in town like at a restaurant or something. He had a good job at the nuclear plant in town, but quit when his daughter was only 7 years old so he could start his own business. Now I'm all for people pursuing their dreams, but he had a wife and child to support, and he was still paying child support to my mom, and yet he still chose to quit his secure job and live paycheque to paycheque. And then, I still can't believe this, his wife tried to commit suicide with pills a couple years ago while he was out of town working. He visited her in the hospital a couple times, then while she was still in hospital recovering, he decided to go to the UK for 3 months for work!!! He left her there! I should also mention that she can't drive, so she had to take the bus home from the hospital in the city, 3 hours away .

    So I almost answered "No" to the question of whether he was a good man, but I decided to answer yes because I knew the psychologist would want me to describe why I answered No.
    "Man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills" - Arthur Schopenhauer

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I was definitely a daddy's girl when I was a teen. I lived with him and my brothers when my parents divorced (I was twelve). And when I had to move to my mother because of dad's work, I was so devastated, my father represented security and stability. He cooked, cleaned, baked, and made superb nutritious food as a single dad for 4 kids. Looking back, it must have been a nightmare situation for him. I guess that's why he always tells me "At least you don't have kids to worry about... you have only yourself" when I'm going through difficult finacial times or other hardships. I guess anything seems easier in comparison to being single with 4 kids and a job where you have to travel. I can't blame him.

    My childhood was far from perfect (it was actually a mess) and I've gotten very little help from them over the years , but I have a great relationship with both of my parents today (by the choice of my own).
    "Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends". ~ George Bernhard Shaw.

  39. #39
    DancingWillow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote Yoggy View Post
    I had a psych evaluation a few months ago for a job, and one of the questions on the written questionaire was "My father is generally a good man".
    Yoggy, your post made me laugh (I'm sorry, since it's not funny that you don't get along with your dad)...the reason is that two weeks ago, I had to take the same test. We're learning how to administer it as part of our training, and we all had to take it for practice and to get familiar with it. And I actually did answer "no" to that specific question, as well as several others that I was afraid my professor would approach me about...thankfully, she didn't look at our answers and scores.

    So, needless to say, I don't get along with my father at all. He is sexist, arrogant, selfish, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate...the list goes on and on and on, but I won't bother you with all the things that I could say and all the incidents I could share. He never said that he loved me or that he was proud of me, so I feel exactly like AMF in that regard.

    The reason, I hate him the most, however, is that he crushed my mother's spirit and now she is very depressed and helpless, and completely breaks my heart to see her in so much pain and isolation. He basically ripped our family apart. I love my mom, but we're not very close, in many ways because of my father. On the other hand, I'm extremely close with my sister, who was the only one who understood what it was to be growing up in that environment. I don't know how we would have made it without each other.

    The one thing I'm grateful for is that now I know exactly what I don't want in a guy. I can't describe it, but I can detect how a guy really is or would become like, sometimes even from an innonecent-seeming comment, so I know to stay away.

    I am afraid sometimes of becoming like my parents, but on the other hand, I know that if you realize their mistakes and process them, you can break the cycle. If I ever feel like I'm becoming like them, I'd realize it, process it, and change it.
    You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
    ~John Wooden

  40. #40

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote vegcurry View Post
    Do I love him or care for him? No
    Will I miss him when he's dead? No.
    Will I grieve? No.
    Ditto. I realized a few years ago that my father probably IS dead (he used to get in touch every 10 years or so, when he needed money). It was literally: "Oh, I guess he's dead. Now what will I make for lunch?"

  41. #41
    Rentaghost Marrers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I haven't spoken to my parents for over two and a half years now. People keep telling me I will regret not speaking to my parents when they are gone - I may be proved wrong but I really don't think I will. I'll regret that we didn't get on, regret not having a better relationship with them, regret the negative impact they have had on me, wish they had been nicer people . . . but I don't think I'll regret not seeing them.

    People are usually very judgemental when they find out I haven't seen them for so long - as expected I got a few comments today with it being mothers day (people with kids seem to find it the hardest - I think it scares them, makes them consider that maybe one day their kids will not talk to them!)

  42. #42
    gorillagorilla Gorilla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    i've never been close to either of my parents and they've never been any good at expressing their feelings, so as i result i find it really hard to open up to people. neither of my parents ever told me they love me. they've never understood me or how i feel about anything. i visited them yesterday and my dad said to me "we never know what to say to you, because we don't understand any of the things you like". they tolerate me at best these days. i don't speak to them very often.

    so while my father wasn't anywhere near as bad as some other people's (except for one major incident when i was very young, which i don't want to go into here), i don't have a particularly good relationship with my father.
    'The word gorilla was derived from the Greek word Gorillai (a "tribe of hairy women")'

  43. #43
    frugivorous aubergine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote Gorilla View Post
    "we never know what to say to you, because we don't understand any of the things you like"
    This is eerily familiar to when I was a teenager. I could never understand it, particularly when other kid's parents took an interest in their lives.

  44. #44
    Rentaghost Marrers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I am reminded of that comment by the mother in Torchsong Trilogy:- "You shut me out of your life and then blame me for not being there."

    I don't think it relates to me (or many of us on this thread) but it has deeply affected several of my friends who had disconnected from family because they thought they would not approve of or accept them and their lifestyle if they knew the full truth. A gang of us were re-watching this film at a weekend away last year and it encouraged several of them to try rebuilding links with their families - with surprisingly good results on the whole.
    Last edited by Marrers; Mar 19th, 2007 at 05:05 PM. Reason: to clarify

  45. #45

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I don't have a relationship with my father. Apparently he spent a lot of time with me when I was very small and adored me. However after that he was at work all the time, never took holidays. What we didn't know at the time was that a lot of the time he was working he was actually having affairs. He mentally abused my mother and us - he actually called us little b**tards. I can't even begin to imagine doing that to a child. He used to make my mum cry a lot. He left when I was 13 which was the best thing that could have happened (although I didn't think so at the time - I wasn't devastated but it was really weird and a lot less common than it is now - I only knew one other girl whose parents weren't together).

    We used to go and stay for weekends but he never let us keep any stuff at his and he never had any food in, we always had to go to the shops on the way to his house. After a while I refused to go anymore. He never made an effort.

    We moved down south and he just made less and less effort to contact us. My brother has Downs Syndrome - he absolutely adored his dad and the worst thing he ever did was to my brother. He was coming to take him on holiday. My brother was so excited and got up really early to wait for his dad to come. His dad didn't arrive and he was devastated. My dad's reason - he forgot. He stopped bothering after that and my brother would get upset and ask why his dad didn't love him anymore.

    My dad has let me down in so many ways - he left my mum to live on benefits while she brought us up. He didn't help financially (even though he is very well off) or emotionally. He knew my mother was very unbalanced when he left and he never once asked if I was OK. At the time I had to deal with a mother who regularly blew up about nothing much, was suicidal and very difficult. Not to mention my younger brother and sister. I had to look after them while my mum worked. It was not a lot of fun - I did not get to be a normal teenager.

    My mum and I are close and love each other but she is a damaged individual and has 2 sides to her. She can be great and supportive and wonderful. She can also be very difficult and hurtful. But it is impossible to talk to her about this as she turns it around so that i am in the wrong and she is a good person. She can do my head in.

    My dad is still having affairs - my only knowledge of him is through his mother who I write to and visit when i can - she is very old and ill and in a nursing home. He is an only child and he does not contact her regularly. her main wish was not to have house clearance people in her house and it is in her will but she didn't die, she went into a nursing home and so my dad got the house clearance people in. He also left her neighbour to do a lot of the work and told her that he had asked us if we wanted to be involved and that we had said no. This is an out and out lie and is made worse by the fact that at that time he was actually in touch with my sister. We have only recently found this out from the neighbour when she was talking to my mum. The neighbour obviously had thought less of us due to this lie as well which upsets me. She also feels bad as she would have kept things like photos for us if she had known we were interested.

    My dad is a liar and has many problems, I don't believe he is a fully functioning human being with the ability to feel emotions.

    I used to be angry but am OK now. He does not arouse bad feelings in me anymore and when his mother dies we will have no more ties (this is the way he knows where I live).

    My relationship with my mother is rather more complex but I'm glad she is there.

    Due to my fther's behaviour I make sure that my husband maintains a good relationship with his kids (My step-kids) despite his nasty ex-wife's best efforts as I know it is important.

    Monday xx

  46. #46
    stumbleine stumbleine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    i donīt have a good relationship with my father either. but i know he loves me and i love him too. itīs just that we are very different in some aspects, but very similar in others, so we donīt really get along.
    i think the main reason why we have some problems now comes from a long time ago when my mom died, and he relied too many things on me, when i was a little girl. he expected too much from me and i wasnīt able to do as much as he wanted.
    so i left home, and feel much better now that i know heīs fine and so am i.

    i do not like to advice, but sometimes some relationships could go better if we took the time to put ourselves in the shoes of the other

  47. #47
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    Quote emmy View Post
    i have a brilliant relationship with my father, but no relationship with my mother. she was very pushy (in a really damaging way) until i was 10, and then she walked out. i have next to nothing to do with her now. my father was a hero during all that time, and has always been there for me since, through extreme illness, upset, everything. i think my relationship is good with him because he acted as both parents for me (although i didn't get the motherly influence, obviously) and i have a lot more respect for him sticking by us kids.
    maybe it's due to a parent leaving - that you can't have as much trust for them again. i'm still really stung that my mother left in the way she did and demanded so much from my father, and still won't accept she did nothing wrong.
    I get on well with my dad even though i feel like the parent to him. My mum walked out when i was 14 and left me to pick up my broken dad and brothers. I have tried to be friends with her for many years now but i have said my goodbyes to her a few months ago as i cant put up with her tantrums. Anyhow, my dad is always there for me, he might be a few sandwiches short of a picnic but he tries his best and thats good enough for me.

  48. #48
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I don't know how to explain my relationship with my dad. he left my mum for another woman when i was 16, and i've always found that hard to deal with. i idolised him when i was a kid, and felt very betrayed, but at the same time i'm still a daddy's girl. i know he'll always be there for me, and he's always very supportive, but sometimes i feel that he's that way because he's trying to 'make up' for his past behaviour.

    i love my dad, but i guess we dont' have a very close relationship. i'll tell him things, and we'll go out for dinner and things, but he lives 3000 miles away, so i don't see him that often. perhaps this is anormal relationship, but it's hard to tell, because i'm very close to my mum, as a result of us spending a lot of time together after dad walked out. because with her, she's more like a friend, perhaps i have a twisted idea of what my relationhsip with my dad should be like....

    amanda

  49. #49

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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I appreciate your reply was not necessarily aimed at me but coming straight after my post I felt it was necessary to just say that I spend my life excusing other people's bad behaviour by putting myself in their shoes. However my father has been awful forever and there is absolutely no xcuse for the way he has behaved - he has been given a number of second chances by myself, my sister, my brother and my mother and each time he has hurt us more. So that is that and now his mother is dead (my sister and I attended the funeral this week - where once again he showed how much of a lying, uncaring person he really is) we can fully end any connection with him.

    I have tried putting myself in his shoes and can't see at any point how I could EVER call a child a little ba*tard to its face. Or many of the things he has done. There is no excuse.

    I don't know how many times I have heard people suggesting that my dad can't be that bad and that it is me who is the cruel one for not maintaining contact and it really upsets me. Do they think that little of me that I would really stop contact with my dad just because he is uncommunicative or a little hopeless or whatever? Yet people keep behaving this way towards me (it happened again at the funeral). Why do they assume he is a kind, bumbling, uncommunicative person and I am misunderstanding him and am mean?

    Monday x

  50. #50
    CunningPlans Poison Ivy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you have a good relationship with your father?

    I don't have any relationship with my father and haven't seen him since I was a teenager. He was a very violent man and my abiding memories of my childhood are of listening to him beat my mother up, of being forced to visit him in the pyschiatric ward after he'd tried to commit suicide by throwing himself in front of a train....I really didn't want to go but he wanted to see me and apparently what I wanted didn't really count...., I remember him taking an overdose whilst we were on one of our weekly visits to see him and my granddad was sticking his fingers down his throat to try and get him to bring the tablets back up. He was violent also towards other family members - his mum, dad, twin sister, brother in law....there weren't many really that he didn't try to kill.

    I needed to remove myself from the relationship in order to learn how to deal with everything that happened....and after many years I think I finally have some peace with it...but I have no desire to ever see him again.
    Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
    Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

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